ICK  ABED 


PHEL  WATTS  MUMFORD 


IVEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  St,  New  Voi8> 


POLLYANNA 

"The  glad   play,"   in   3    acts.     By   Catherine   Chisholm 
dish  in  jr.     Based   on  the  novel  by   Eleanor   H.   Porter.     5 
,   (.!  females.     2  interiors.     Costumes,  modern.     Plays 
ii'i   hours. 

The   story   has  to  do  with  the   experiences  of  an   orphan   girl 

•who   is  tin-  ;nto   the   home  of  a  maiden  aunt.      In 

Dilations   that    beset    her   lift-    she   manages   to   find 

•  ..ITS    light    into    sunless   lives. 

J'injilly,    Pollyan-'  i!    the    love    rtff:iirs    of    her    elders, 

and   last,   but   not   least,    timls    li;  •  elf    in    the    heart 

of  Jimmy.      "Pollyanna"   is  a  plad  play  and  one  which  is  hound 

•'•   one   a    b.  .-iiition    of    people   and   the   world.      It 

humor,   tenderness   and   humanity  that  gave   the   story 

Buch  wonderful  popularity  :i  •  •-'  and  old. 

Produced  at  t!  •  \v  York,  and  for  two   sea- 

n  tour,   h;  Tyler,  with  Helen  Hayes  in  the  part 

of  "Pollyanua."      (Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)     Price,  75  Cents. 


THE   CHARM   SCHOOL 

A   ei'irifdy  in  3  n<  Mice  Duer  Miller  and  Iv 

M.     6  males,  10  foi.  -y  5  males 

s  females).     Any  number  of  school  girls  may  be  used 
in  11  ;i's.     Scenes,   2   interiors.     Modern  costumes. 

L'V2  hours. 

The  story  of  "The  Charm  School"  is  familiar  to  Mrs.  Miller's 
?.   relates   the   adventures   of  a    handsome    young 
man,  scarcely  cut  of  his   'teens,  who,  upon  inheriting 
<  1  from  a  maiden  aunt,  insists  on  running  it 
•  g   to    his    own    ideas,    chief    of   which    is,    hy    the 
ihat    the    doinin;:  in    the    education    of    the    young 

<.f  to-day  should  be  CHARM.      The  situation 
ig   \vitli    tiumor — clean,    wholesome    humor.      In    (' 
young  man   gives   up   the   school,   and   prom. 

of   his   pii]  a   marriageable   age.      The 

nness  of  youth,   the   inspiration  of  an  • 
•i'-a,  the  charm  of  originr.lity,  and 
anely   amusing 

ommend  it  for   high  scl  .  .1   at 

the    Bijou    Theatre,    New    York,    th-.-n    loured    th. 
companies  are  now  playing  it  in  England.      (Ro\  :y  five 

dollars.)  Price,   75  Cents. 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York  City 
New  and  Explicit  Descriptive  Catalogue  Mailed  Free  on  Bequest 


SICK  ABED 


A  FARCICAL  COMEDY  IN 
THREE  ACTS 


BY 
ETHEL  WATTS  MUMFORD 


COPYRIGHT,  1914,  BY  ETHEL  WATTS  MUMFORD 
COPYRIGHT,  1919,  BY   SAMUEL  FRENCH 


All  Rights  Reserved 

CAUTION :  Professionals  and  amateurs  are  hereby  warned 
that  "SICK  ABED,"  being  fully  protected  under  the 
copyright  laws  of  the  United  States  of  America,  is  sub- 
ject to  a  royalty,  and  anyone  presenting  the  play  without 
the  consent  of  the  owners  or  their  authorized  agents  will 
be  liable  to  the  penalties  by  law  provided.  Application 
for  the  acting  rights  must  be  made  to  Samuel  French,  25 
West  45th  Street,  New  York,  N.  Y. 


NEW  YORK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 
25  WEST  45TH  STREET 


LONDON 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 

26  SOUTHAMPTON  STREET 

STRAND 


Especial  notice  should  be  taken  that  the  possession  of  this 
book  without  a  valid  contract  for  production  first  having 
been  obtained  from  the  publisher,  confers  no  right  or  license 
to  professionals  or  amateurs  to  produce  the  play  publicly  or 
in  private  for  gain  or  cnarity. 

In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,  and  no  performance,  representation,  production, 
recitation,  public  reading  or  radio  broadcasting  may  be  given 
except  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel  French,  25  West 
45th  Street,  New  York. 

This  play  may  be  presented  by  amateurs  upon  payment  of 
a  royalty  of  Twenty-Five  Dollars  for  each  performance, 
payable  to  Samuel  French,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York, 
one  week  before  the  date  when  the  play  is  given. 

V,  iiciiever  the  play  is  produced  the  following  notice  must 
appear    on    all    programs,    printing    and    advertising    for    the 
'Produced  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel  French 
of  New  York." 

.\tkcnt"  •   the  penalty  provided  by  law   for  any 

infriiu  author's  rights,  as   follows: 

"Si  person  publicly  performing  or  repre- 

senting any  dramatic  or  musical  composition  for  which  copy- 
right has  I,  y/hhout  the  consent  of  the  proprie- 
tor of  said  dramatic  or  musical  composition,  or  his  heirs  and 
assigns,  shall  be  liable  for  damages  thereof,  such  damages, 
in  all  cases  to  be  assessed  at  such  sum,  not  less  than  one 
hundred  dollars  for  thv  first  and  fifty  dollars  for  even7  sub- 
sequent performance,  as  to  the  court  shall  appear  to  be  just. 
If  the  unlawful  performance  and  representation  be  wilful 
and  for  profit,  such  person  or  persons  shall  be  guilty  of  a 
misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction  shall  be  imprisoned  for 
a  period  not  exceeding  one  year." — U.  S.  Revised  Statutes  : 
Title  60.  Chap.  3. 


FIRST  PERFORMANCE  MONDAY  EVENING 
APRIL  22,  1918,  AT 

GAIETY  THEATRE,  NEW  YORK  CITY 

KLAW  &  ERLANGER 

Present 
THE  NE\V  FARCICAL  COMEDY 

SICK     ABED 

BY 

ETHEL  WATTS  MUMFORD 

Produced  Under  Stage  Direction  of  Edgar 
MacGregor 

CAST 
(In  Order  of  Their  Appearance) 

OFFICER   (Specially  engaged)   Thomas  Allyn 

DR.  ROBERT  MACKLYN George  Parsons 

MISS  HEPWORTH  Julia  Ralph 

MISS  DURANT _ Mary  Boland 

DR.  WIDNER  Dallas  Welford 

DR.  FLEXNER Charles  E.  Evans 

REGINALD  JAY  +...  Edwin  Nicander 

MR.  CHALMERS  Curtis  Benton 

JOHN  WEEMS John  Flood 

SAJI  .. David  Burton 

PATRICK Edward  O'Connor 

CONSTANCE  WEEMS  Mary  Newcombe 

SYNOPSIS  OF  SCENES 

ACT       I — REGINALD  JAY'S  LIBRARY.    (Intermission 

twelve  minutes). 
ACT    II — REGINALD  JAY'S  SLEEPING  APARTMENT. 

(A  week  later). 
ACT  III — SAME  AS  ACT  II.   (Ten  minutes  later). 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS 
(In  order  of  their  appearance) 

THE  IRISHMAN The  Janitor 

SAJI The  Jap  Valet 

CONSTANCE  WEEMS Weems*  wife 

WEEMS 
CHALMERS 
DOCTOR  FLEXNER 
DOCTOR  WIDNER 

REGINALD  JAY A  young  explorer 

Miss  DURANT A  nurse 

Miss  HEPWORTH The  night  nurse 

DOCTOR  ROBERT  MACKLYN A  specialist 


SICK  ABED 


ACT  I 

SCENE  :  Reginald  Jay's  den,  door  to  hall  up  c.  Large 
fireplace  L.  Door  to  kitchen  down  L.  door  up 
L.  Door  to  bedroom  R.  Large  low  divan  couch 
with  cushions  L.  c.  writing  table  and  chairs 
R.  c.  Large  armchair  down  R.  Book  shelves 
up  L.  and  R.  On  shelve  up  R.  are  a  large  stuffed 
monkey,  stuffed  owl,  collection  of  various  skins, 
on  small  table  front  of  bookcase  is  stuffed 
ostrich.  Packing  case  R.  of  writing  table.  Two 
cases  back  of  writing  table.  One  case  front  of 
Ostrich.  Front  of  couch  is  large  wicker  hamper 
with  lid  raised,  facing  front.  Littered  on  the 
floor  around  hamper  a  pile  of  tissue  packing 
paper.  Chair  up  L.  c. 

As  the  curtain  rises,  Saji  is  in  hamper,  hunt- 
ing amongst  paper.  Constance  enters  up  c. 
looks  through  door  R.  and  mysteriously  looks 
around  her.  Pat's  voice  is  heard  off  stage 
singing,  as  he  approaches.  Constance  imme- 
diately runs  to  door  up  L.  and  exits,  as  Pat 
enters  up  c.  He  is  wheeling  a  hand-truck. 
Comes  c.  and  drops  truck. 

PAT.  Howly  St.  Patrick!  I  do  be  havin'  the 
devil's  own  time  in  this  house,  with  thim  boxes  and 
crates  and  things.  Shure  Mr.  Jay's  fair  bruke  the 
heart  o'  me. 

SAJI.     Stop  grouch.    You  get  plenty  tip. 

PAT.  (Crosses  to  R.  and  gets  case  and  places  it 
5 


6  SICK  ABED 

on  truck)  Look  at  that  now!  Throwin'  that 
paper  over  the  lioor,  as  if  the  place  wasn't  littered 
up  enough  as  it  is.  Shure,  if  Mr.  Jay  had  to  kill  all 
thim  things  (Indicating  the  stuffed  animals}  why 
didn't  he  lave  them  where  they  fell?  It's  surprised 
I  am  he  ain't  sent  home  a  stuffed  nayger.  Him  and 
his  explorin'. 

SAJI.  Talk,  talk,  do  no  work.  (Gets  out  of 
hamper.  Exit  L.  carrying  skin  which  hung  over 
basket}. 

PAT.  (Looks  gloomily  at  the  cases  R.  Look  at 
that  now !  Handle  with  care.  Handle  wid  care  is 
it?  Sure  it's  sick  an'  tired  I  am  of  the  signs  on 
all  these  boxes — (Picks  up  packing  case  during  this 
speech.  Carries  it  to  the  truck}  Handle  wid  care! 
(Slams  box  violently  onto  the  truck — SAJI  enters 
ly  L.  i.) 

SAJI.    Wa  you  break  no 

PAT.  (Center)  Nothin'  you  blank  an'  tan  hay- 
then.  It's  tired  I  am  v/id  this  zoo.  Shure  for  a 
year  past  they've  been  landin'  boxes  here  from  ivery 
steamer  till  me  store  room  is  full  an'  me  furnace 
's  full  and  this  room  full  and  the  hallways,  an' 
me  <\  his  -\vork.  It's  no  Janitor  I  am,  it's  a 

superintendent. 

SAJI.    Superintendent. 

if  it  --vasn't  for  Mr.  Jay  tellin' 
me  not  to  let  a  livin'  soul  handle  these  specimens  but 
meself,  shure  I'd  be  afther  dischargin'  meself  this 
blessed  minute.  (Puts  third  case  on  truck  during 
latter  part  of  this  speech.  Turns  and  looks  at  SAJI, 
who  has  got  into  the  hamper  and  is  bending  down 
scattering  paper  out  recklessly}  What  the  devil 
are  ye  doin'  in  that  basket  anyway.  Hey !  you  look 
like  a  jack  in  the  box,  bobbing  up  and  down. 

SAJI.  I  lose  quarter  dolla'  change,  from  vest 
pocket  when  I  pick  out  ostlich.  An'  I  find  'im. 


SICK  ABED  7 

(Picks  up  quarter  from  inside  hamper). 

PAT.  Well,  for  two  bits  I'd  throw  you  over  the 
top  for  making  me  all  this  muss.  (Starts  to  gather 
up  paper,  and  puts  it  into  hamper.) 

SAJI.  More  better  you  clean.  Mr.  Jay  he  get 
here  pretty  soon  now.  I  get  wireless  yesterday.  He 
come  by  ship  today.  Me  fix  aplartment.  (Crosses  to 
table  R.  L.  and  arranges  writing  materials.) 

PAT.  Aw  shure  now — it's  goin'  to  begin  again, 
afternoon  teas  and  suppers  and  ladies  all  over  the 
place.  (Closes  itamper.  Picks  up  truck  and  starts 
to  turn  and  go) 

SAJI.  You  stop  make  talk.  And  come  back  take 
out  Jay's  ladies  no  business 

for  you. 

PAT.  Begorry  here's  one  of  thim  now. 
(CONSTANCE  appears  through  door  up  L.)  The 
mil  ra  i/e  open.  Thim  bachelors,  oh 

thim  bachelors!    (Exits  wheeling  truck  grumbling.) 

CONSTANCE.     (Crosses  to  chair  L.  of  table.) 

SAJI.    Oh  Mrs.  Weems ! 

CONSTANCE.  Where  is  he?  Mr.  Jay!  Hasn't 
he  come? 

SAJI.     (Crosses  to  L.  of  table)  No  come  yet! 

one  been  here  asking  for 
him? 

;  i.    Nobody  come  Mrs.  Weems. 

ANTCE.     (Moving  to  R.  of  table,  sits  chair) 
'iank  goodness  !   But  what's  keeping  him  t  The 
steamer  docked  hours  ago. 

SAJI.    I  no  know. 

CONSTANCE.  Saji,  take  this  five  dollars.  (Hands 
him  bill)  Do  you  know  any  more  now? 

SAJI.    For  truth  to  God  I  no  know. 

CONSTANCE.  Oh  dear,  I  must  see  him.  (Tele- 
phone rings.  Cross  front  of  sofa.  SAJI  crosses  to 
back  of  table,  and  picks  up  receiver.) 


8  SICK  ABED 

SAJI.  Excuse  please.  'Ello.  No,  Mr.  Jay  not 
here.  Who  comin'  up?  Mr.  Weems — ? 

CONSTANCE.     (Alarmed)     My  husband! 

SAJI.    Yes — honorable  husband. 

CONSTANCE.  (Rises')  He  mustn't  catch  me 
here.  Saji,  quick,  where  shall  I  go? 

SAJI.     (Goes  up  c.  CONSTANCE  runs  to  door  R.) 
When  he  here  you  go  kitchen.    That  Mr.  Jay's  bed- 
room, no  good.    Go  wait  kitchen. 
{Exit  CONSTANCE  L.  i.    Enter  WEEMS  followed  by 

CHALMERS.    WEEMS  looks  anxiously  about,  comes 

to  c.    CHALMERS  to  back  of  table.} 

WEEMS.    Hello  Saji,  where's  your  Master? 

SAJI.     (R.  of  table}     He  no  come  yet. 

CHALMERS.  Has  anyone  been  here  asking  for 
him? 

SAJI.    No  sir,  no  sir. 

WEEMS.     (Down  L.  c.)     Has  a  lady  been  here? 

SAJI.  (Crosses  to  c.)  No,  sir.  No  woman  lady 
been  here. 

CHALMERS.  (R.  of  table.  Moves  to  c.)  Saji 
when  did  you  get  word  to  expect  Mr.  Jay  ? 

SAJI.     (R.  of  WEEMS)     Wireless  yesterday. 

WEEMS.  (Paces  anxiously  to  L.)  Oh  why 
couldn't  he  stay  in  Timbuctoo  ? 

CHALMERS.    That'll  do  Saji,  you  can  go. 

SAJI.     Yes,  Mr.  Honorable  Lawyer.     (Exit  up 

c.) 

WEEMS.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  sofa)  If  this  scandal 
breaks  it  will  ruin  me. 

CHALMERS.    Well,  why  did  you  get  into  it? 

WEEMS.  That's  my  business.  It's  your  business 
to  get  me  out  of  it. 

CHALMERS.  (R.  of  table)  Well  it's  nip  and  tuck 
if  we  can.  Or  it's  going  to  be  the  most  sensational 
divorce  in  years. 


SICK  ABED  9 

WEEMS.  (L.  of  table}  Well,  if  you  can't  put  it 
over,  you're  not  much  of  a  lawyer.  My,  what  is  the 
younger  generation  coming  to !  (Sits  L.  of  table) 

CHALMERS.  It  isn't  what  the  younger  genera- 
tion's coming  to,  it's  where  the  older  generation 
went.  (Standing  back  of  table,  digs  WEEMS  on  the 
arm. ) 

WEEMS.  Bosh!  I  tell  you  this  is  the  result  of 
calculation  on  my  wife's  part.  She  wants  to  dis- 
grace me. 

CHALMERS.    So  she  said. 

WEEMS.  She  married  me  in  order  to  divorce  me. 
She  held  off  to  spring  it  until  the  alimony  was  good. 

CHALMERS.  (Goes  up  and  down  c.)  Well, 
couldn't  you  see  what  was  coming  to  you,  when  you 
married  that  innocent  young  thing? 

WEEMS.  Well !  (Rises}  It's  got  to  be  stopped. 
The  rest  of  her  case  won't  hold.  If  she  gets 
Reggie's  testimony  it's  all  up  with  me,  that's  what. 
(Crosses  R.  of  table} 

CHALMERS.    I  must  confess — 

WEEMS.  Well,  you  can,  but  I  won't  and  Reggie 
shan't. 

CHALMERS.  (L.  of  table}  Mrs.  Weems'  lawyers 
will  have  Reginald  Jay  subpoenaed  as  a  witness  the 
minute  they  learn  he's  arrived.  And  since  he 
couldn't  locate  him  at  the  steamer,  the  only  thing 
to  do  was  to  catch  him  here,  and  try  to  get  him 
out  of  the  state. 

WEEMS.  Yes,  at  any  cost,  get  him  out  of  the 
state. 

CHALMERS.  Well,  it's  up  to  you — what  in  the 
world  did  you  want  to  have  anything  to  do  with 
that  little  Spanish  «irl,  Letice  Montjoy  for?  How 
did  you  come  to  pick  her  up. 

WEEMS.  (Sits  R.  of  table)  I  didn't,  she  picked 
me  up. 

CHALMERS.    Where  ? 


io  SICK  ABED 

WEEMS.    Spain. 

CHALMERS.  And  not  content  with  making  a  fool 
of  yourself  you  let  Reginald  Jay  know  all  about  it. 

WEEMS.  How  could  I  help  it?  He  turned  up  in 
Madrid,  when  he  expressly  told  me  he  was  going 
to  Africa  for  big  game. 

CHALMERS.  Well  he  was,  and  he  went.  You 
can't  blame  him  for  your  escapade.  (Moves  to  c.) 

WEEMS.  Well  the  fact  remains,  that  if  Con- 
stance ca  ;!e's  ^estimony,  her  case  falls 
flat.  And  I'll  p '•_.  anything  to  stop  it.  (Rises  and 
crosses  to  L.  c.  to  R.  of  CHALMERS.) 

CHALMERS.  I  can't  see  why  you're  so  utterly 
scared.  After  all,  one  divorce  more  or  less — 

WEEMS.  In  the  first  place  I  don't  want  to  lose 
Mrs.  Weems (Crosses  to  L.  of  CHALMERS.) 

CHALMERS.    Oh,  you  still  love  her. 

WEEMS.  Damn  fine  woman  my  wife.  And 
besides  I  won't  have  this  affair  aired,  that's  all. 

CHALMERS.  Why  this  affair?  You  haven't  made 
a  clean  breast  of  it  and  I'm  your  lawyer. 

WEEMS.    Well,  the  fact  is 

bat  is  it 

WEEMS.    Why,  it'll  all  come  out. 

CHALMERS.    What'll  come  out  ? 

.  that  damn  little   Spanish  girl  I 
met  i  'sh  I'd  never  se.  eyes  on  her. 

CHALMERS.  (R.  of  WEEMS)  Well,  you've  set 
eyes  before  and  it  didn't  trouble  you. 

WEEMS.    The  eyes  are  different  in  Spain. 

CHALMERS.    What's  the  matter  with  this  one? 

WEEMS.     The  hussy.    Nothing  too  good  for  her. 

to  have  the  King's  box  at  the  Opera.     The 

bridal  suite  at  the  hotel,  and  I  let  her  have  'em  too, 

•usand.     Then 
she  goes  and 

CHALMERS.    And  what? 

1  MS.     Shakes  me,  that's  what. 


SICK  ABED  ii 

CHALMERS.  Oh,  so  that's  it?  She  left  you  flat 
when  she  saw  something  younger. 

WEEMS.    Just  put  yourself  in  my  place. 

CHALMERS.  Not  on  your  life!  (Crosses  to  R. 
of  table)  I've  some  self  respect  left. 

WEEMS.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  table)  Oh  indeed! 
Permit  me  to  say  you've  more  self-respect  than 
intelligence.  Look  how  you  bungled  this  thing. 

CHALMERS.  (R.  of  table)  Now  see  here,  Weems, 
if  I  bungled  this  it's  because  I'm  doing  my  best  with 
a  case  I  wouldn't  touch  with  a  ten  foot  pole.  But 
for  my  fool  friendship  for  you.  Now,  I've  got  this 
get-away  all  planned  and  if  that  fails  I've  arranged 
the  other  thing.  And  the  chances  are  that  Mrs. 
Weems  doesn't  know  he's  coming  anyway.  But  the 
thing  that's  worrying  me  is — will  Jay  go  thru  with 
it  for  you? 

WEEMS.  (L.  of  table)  Of  course  he  will.  Am 
I  not  his  guardian?  Didn't  I  treble  his  inheritance 
for  him?  And  I'm  leaving  him  a  portion  of  my 
estate.  Wasn't  his  father  my  best  friend? 

CHALMERS.  I  know,  but  this  is  serious.  (Crosses 
down  R.) 

WEEMS.  Nonsense,  I've  only  to  ask  him  and 
he'll  jump  through. 

JAY.     (Off  stage)     Hello,  hello,  hello,  hello! 

CHALMERS.    There  he  comes ! 

PAT.     (Off  stage)     Welcome  home,  Mr.  Jay! 
(SAji  enters  L.  i.  smiling  and  running  to  door  up  c.) 

SAJI.    He  come  — he  come — (Exit  up  c.) 
WEEMS.     (Crosses  to  R.  of  hamper)     Now  you 
keep  off.    I'll  handle  this. 

JAY.  (Off  stage)  Well,  well,  Saji,  old  reprobate 
—how  goes  it !  (Enters  up  c.  carrying  two  grips,  a 
steamer  rug  over  his  shoulder,  followed  by  SAJI 
carrying  grip,  and  PAT,  also  carrying  a  grip.  JAY 


12  SICK  ABED 

puts  grips  down  up  c.  crosses  to  WEEMS)  Why, 
guardy,  this  is  decent  of  you.  Honest,  I  do  appre- 
ciate it.  And  Mr.  Chalmers  too.  (Crosses  to 
CHALMERS,  shakes  hands.} 

CHALMERS.    Glad  to  see  you. 

JAY.    This  does  make  a  real  home-coming. 
(SAji  picks  up  grips,  takes  them  down  R.) 

WEEMS.  So  you  got  here  at  last.  It's  about  time. 
(Moves  to  c.) 

(PAT  picks  up   remaining   grip   and   carries   them 

Off  up   L.) 

JAY.  It  sure  is !  I'm  glad  I'm  back  in  little  old 
New  York.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  hamper,  L.  of  WEEMS) 
Here,  tell  Pat  to  take  that  hamper  down  to  the 
cellar,  and  Saji,  take  my  grip  to  my  room. 

SAJI.  Yes,  sir.  Yes,  sir.  (Picks  up  suit-case, 
it  flies  open  and  spills  contents.  Among  contents  is 
framed  photograph  of  girl.} 

JAY.    Lord,  you're  just  as  careless  as  ever. 

SAJI.  So  sorry.  Oh,  I  break  glass,  on  pretty 
lady's  picture.  (He  picks  up  picture  and  shows  it 
to  JAY.) 

JAY.  Sh — sh — -Go  on,  get  out  of  here,  never 
mind  pretty  lady.  (Takes  picture  from  SAJI,  slips 
it  -under  cushion,  R.  end  of  sofa} 

'es   sir,  yes  sir.      (Gathers  up  grip  and 
articles  and  exits  L.  i.) 

WEEMS.  See  here,  Reginald,  why  didn't  you  let 
me  know  you  were  on  your  way  home?  I'd  have 
met  you  down  !he  Bay. 

JAY.    You  would?    Say,  I'd  never  have  thought 

you'd  fro  out  of  your  way  like  that,  for  me.    Honest ! 

C.)    I've  been  half  out  of  my  mind, 

hanging  around  here  waiting.    I'm  a  nervous  wreck. 


SICK  ABED  13 

JAY.  (L.  of  WEEMS)  You  weren't  a  nervous 
wreck  in  Spain.  Say,  I  haven't  seen  you  since — 
since— we  met  in  Madrid. 

WEEMS.    Oh,  Madrid! 

JAY.  Glad  to  see  you  back  safe  and  sound. 
The  way  you  were  hitting  the  high  spots  there,  you 
had  me  sort  of  worried,  naughty,  naughty ! 

CHALMERS.    (R.  of  WEEMS)    Eh? 

WEEMS.  That's  just  what  I've  got  to  talk  to  you 
about. 

JAY.    Well? 

WEEMS.     Reginald 

JAY.    Why  the  bassoon  voice?    Gout? 

WEEMS.  Well,  the  fact  is — you  see  I  want  to  tell 
you — er — er • 

JAY.    Yes? 

WEEMS.  (To  CHALMERS)  You  tell  him. 
(Crosses  up  back  of  table  and  down  R.) 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  JAY  c.)  The  fact 
is,  Mr.  Jay,  in  your  absence  there  has  been  an  un- 
fortunate family  complication. 

JAY.    Family  complication? 

WEEMS.     It's  Constance. 

JAY.     (Crosses  to  L.  of  table)     Constance? 

WEEMS.     She  wants  to  divorce  me. 

JAY.    Not  a  divorce! 

CHALMERS.    And  we  need  your  co-operation. 

JAY.    Why  mine  ? 

''. VJ-.KMS.  (Sits  R.  of  table)  She  had  a  detective 
follow  me.  Oh  my — er — business  trip,  through 
Spain. 

JAY.  Business  trip !  You  mean  pleasure  trip, 
Guardy,  well ? 

WEEMS.  Well,  in  short,  she's  learned  from  her 
detective's  report — that  you  could  give  her  all  the 
testimony  she  needs 

JAY.    I? 

WEEMS.    Yes. 


14  SICK  ABED 

CHALMERS.    You ! 

JAY.    Oh  say  now — (Rises') 

WEEMS.  (Rises,  crosses  to  R.  of  JAY)  My  boy, 
she  must  not  have  your  evidence. 

JAY.  But  if  the  detective  got  the  evidence,  why 
does  she  need  me? 

CHALMERS.  She  can't  use  his  evidence.  The 
detective  suddenly  died. 

JAY.  (To  CHALMERS)  Oh,  not  murder!  (To 
Y\'EEMS)  I  didn't  think  you  had  the  nerve. 

WEEMS.    No no — (Moves  to  R.)    Nothing  of 

the    sort.      But    listen —  (Steps   to    R.    of   JAY)      I 
•want  a  few  weeks  leeway 

JAY.  What  are  you  going  to  do,  murder 
Constance  ? 

\\EEMS.     No,  you  damn  fool! 

Ci  are  letters. 

JAY.    Letters  ? 

CHALMERS.    Yes. 

WEEMS.    Constance  has  had  an  affair. 

JAY.    I  won't  believe  it,  I  know  Constance. 

CHALMERS.  We  have  seen  copies  of  letters. 
Compromising,  very ! 

JAY.  Oh — foolishness!  She's  just  a  sentimental, 
little  romancer,  that's  all. 

WEEMS.  And  I'm  negotiating  for  the  originals, 
and  then  a  countersuit.  (Crosses  to  down  R.) 

JAY.  Oh  I  say  I  wouldn't  do  that.  Constance 
is  as  good  as  gold.  Don't  go  dragging  her  in.  It's 
so  darned  easy  to  queer  a  woman's  reputation. 

WKKMS.    How  about  my  reputation? 

JAY.  You  haven't  got  any.  Just  let  the  case  go 
on  trial  and  I'll  go  on  the  stand  and  lie  out  of  it  for 
you.  You  can  blame  it  all  on  me  if  you  want  to. 
Letice  and  I  were  seen  together. 

WEEMS.    Letice ! 

(CHALMERS  crosses  to  R.  of  sofa,  lifts  cushion  and 
looks  at  picture) 


SICK  ABED  15 

JAY.    Yes! 

WEEMS.    You're  darned  familiar. 

JAY.    Well,  we  became  good  friends. 

WEEMS.    Why  you  sneered  at  her. 

JAY.    Oh  no,  I  didn't.     (Sits  front  of  table) 

WEEMS.    Besides,  no,  it  won't  do. 

JAY.  Now,  let  me  go  on  the  stand  and  testify. 
I'll  lie  you  out  of  it. 

CHALMERS.  (Steps  to  L.  of  JAY)  You  wouldn't 
last  through  the  first  round.  (Crosses  to  sofa  and 
unnoticed  gets  the  picture  from  underneath  the 
cushions} 

JAY.  How  do  you  suppose  I've  lived  to  be  thirty- 
two  if  1  couldn't  lie  like  a  gentleman? 

WEEMS.  You  mustn't  lie  like  a  gentleman.  You 
must  lie  like  a  liar.  (Sits  R.  of  table) 

CHALMERS.  (Advancing  towards  c.  holding 
picture  behind  back)  All  right,  you  think  you  can 
lie  in  court.  Very  well,  I'll  cross-examine  you. 

JAY.    Oh,  give  me  a  little  rehearsal,  eh  ? 

CHALMERS.  Just  take  the  oath,  please.  QAY 
raises  his  left  hand)  Shift  hands.  Whole  truth, 
nothing  but  the  truth,  so  help  me  God. 

JAY.  (Sits  L.  of  table  raising  R.  hand)  So  help 
me  God. 

CHALMERS.  Now  if  they  ask  you  where  you 
were,  where  were  you  in  October,  1916? 

JAY.  October,  let's  see.  (Looks  uneasily  at 
WEEMS)  I'll  have  to  say  I  was  in  Spain. 

CHALMERS.    Why  ? 

JAY.    Because  such  a  lot  of  people  knew  about  it. 

WEEMS.    But— er — 

JAY.  I've  got  to  say  Spain  because  I  sent  back 
such  a  lot  of  post  cards.  Everybody  knows. 

CHALMERS.    Answer.    Where? 

JAY.  Oh — everywhere.  Ronda,  Madrid,  Barce- 
lona, Seville,  the  regular  thing. 

CHALMERS.    Did  you  see  Mr.  Weems,  the  defen- 


1 6  SICK  ABED 

dant,  in  Madrid?    (Points  to  WEEMS) 

JAY.    No  I  did  not. 

CHALMERS.    You  didn't? 

JAY.  I  didn't.  (Looks  around  for  congratula- 
tion on  his  lie)  How's  that? 

CHALMERS.  Be  careful.  You  were  both  regis- 
tered at  the  Hotel  Casa  Grande  on  October  the  I4th. 

JAY.  Oh  very  well  then.  I'll  make  it  a  glimpse, 
a  glimpse. 

CHALMERS.    He  was  alone? 

JAY.    Regular  Robinson  Crusoe. 

CHALMERS.  Then  why  did  he  have  the  bridal 
suite  ? 

JAY.    Do  I  have  to  answer  that? 

CHALMERS.    Yes. 

JAY.  Oh — um — she — (WEEMS  excidedly  inter- 
rupts and  JAY  corrects  himself)  he — asked  me  to 
stop  with  him  for  a  few  days.  (Winks  at  WEEMS. 
CHALMERS  looks  at  JAY) 

CHALMERS.    You  said  you  only  glimpsed — 

JAY.     You're  so  persistent. 

CHALMERS.  Now,  one  more  question.  Do  you 
know  a  lady  named  Letice  Montjoy? 

JAY.    Never  heard  of  her. 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  to  get  picture  from  sofa) 
Indeed!  Then  why  was  her  picture  in  your  grip 
with  this  written  on  it.  "From  Letice  to  Reggie." 
(Hands  picture  to  JAY) 

WEEMS.  (Rises)  What!  What  does  she  mean 
by  giving  you  that  picture?  (Steps  to  R.  of  JAY  and 
snatches  photo) 

JAY.  Well,  why  shouldn't  she  give  me  her 
picture?  (Rises) 

WEEMS.    Well,  why  should  she  ? 

JAY.  If  you  can  give  me  one  reason  why  she 
shouldn't 

WEEMS.  Look  here — are  you  the  man  she  shook 
me  for. 


SICK  ABED  17 

JAY.    No! 

WEEMS.    Did  she  follow  you  to  Barcelona? 

JAY.  No,  she  did  not.  (Crosses  to  L.  to  R.  of 
hamper) 

WEEMS.    I  think  it's  a  mighty  curious  thing. 

JAY.  Oh  I  knew  you  would,  that's  why  I  tried 
to  hide  it.  (Crosses  to  L.  c.) 

WEEMS.  (Follows  JAY)  Ha,  so  you  tried  to 
hide  it. 

JAY.  Of  course  I  did,  I  knew  you'd  think  the 
worst. 

WEEMS.    And  I'm  always  right. 

CHALMERS.  (Steps  between  WEEMS  and  JAY) 
Most  unfortunately  I'm  convinced — of  Mr.  Jay's 
innocence. 

WEEMS.    Innocence ! 

CHALMERS.  And  this  is  no  time  to  drag  in  the 
co-respondent. 

JAY.     (To  CHALMERS)    You  did  that! 

CHALMERS.  The  fact  remains,  you  can't  testify 
without  ruining  the  case 

(JAY  moves  to  hamper} 

WEEMS.  Oh  hang  Letice.  Reginald,  you've  got 
to  see  me  through.  Listen,  I  suspect  something. 
But  I've  got  a  plan.  All  I  ask  of  you  is  three 
weeks.  (Steps  to  R.  of  JAY) 

JAY.  (Sits  on  hamper)  Three  weeks?  That 
sounds  awful.  Say,  why  can't  I  just  beat  it  out 
of  the  state? 

CHALMERS.  (Crossing  down  R.)  Don't  worry, 
you're  going. 

WEEMS.  Immediately,  before  they  get  to  you  to 
subpoena  you  as  a  witness.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  table} 

JAY.    Gee,  this  is  a  happy  home-coming. 

(Enter  PROCESS  SERVER.) 


18  SICK  ABED 

PROCESS  SERVER.  (Looks  around  and  picks  out 
WEEMS;  crosses  to  him)  Beg  pardon,  you  are  Mr. 
Reginald  Jay  ? 

WEEMS.  (Haughtily;  points  to  JAY)  Certainly 
not.  There  is  Mr.  Jay. 

PROCESS  SERVER.  (Crosses  to  JAY,  hands  him  a 
document)  Here's  a  subpoena.  Weems  versus 
Weems,  Sorry.  Good  day.  (Exits  up  c.  Dead 
silence  till  exit  of  PROCESS  SERVER) 

JAY.     He's  sorry  it's  a  good  day. 

WEEMS.     It's  come! 

CHALMERS.    That  settles  it. 

WEEMS.    You  must  leave  the  state  and  stay  out. 

CHALMERS.  But  when  he  returns  they'll  put  him 
in  jail. 

WEEMS.  Jail!  Oh  Lord,  he  wouldn't  be  safe 
there ! 

JAY.  (Down  R.  c.  to  front  of  table'}  Now, 
Guardy  I'd  like  to  help  you  but  I  won't  go  to  Jail. 

CHALMERS.  (To  R.  of  table)  Well,  then, 
(Rises)  you've  got  to  go  to  bed ! 

JAY.    Go  to  bed !    Who,  me  ? 

CHA-.MERS.  (L.  of  table)  Yes!  I've  gone  over 
the  whole  matter.  It's  the  only  other  way.  We 
were  going  to  try  to  get  you  out  of  the  state — but 
I  was  sure  we'd  have  to  do  the  sick  thing,  and  I 
arranged  it.  You've  got  to  be  sick  abed. 

JAY.     Like  hell !     I'll  do  nothing  of  the  kind. 
(Crosses  to  R.) 
,  WEEMS.     (Toe.)    Oh  Lord. 

CHALMERS.  (Back  of  table)  Well,  it's  happen- 
ed. There  wasn't  a  chance  in  a  million — we'd  get 
by.  (Moves  to  c.) 

JAY.    What  is  all  this  ? 

WEEMS.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  JAY)  They  can't 
make  you  testify  if  you're  too  ill. 

JAY.    But  I'm  not  ill. 


SICK  ABED  19 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  to  c.)  But  you've  got 
to  be. 

WEEMS.  For  God's  sake,  Reginald  don't  you 
understand,  you've  got  to  be  taken  so  desperately 
ill,  that  you  can't  even  make  a  deposition. 

(  JAY  front  of  armchair  R.  ) 

JAY.  (R.)  Hah!  I  suppose  I  caught  the  jungle 
fever  from  a  baby  elephant. 

(WEEMS  crosses  to  c.) 

CHALMERS.  The  attack  must  take  place  now,  at 
once,  immediately.  (Crosses  back  of  table,  picks 
up  phone)  I'll  phone  the  doctors.  They're  wait- 
ing. I  told  them  to  hold  themselves  in  readiness 
for  an  immediate  call  and  communicate  with  their 
nurses.  Hello — give  me  Plaza  1341. 

WEEMS.  (Crosses  to  sofa  and  picks  up  hat) 
Chalmers,  are  you  able  to  trust  those  doctors?  Do 
they  thoroughly  understand? 

(JAY  sits  armchair  down  R.) 

CHALMERS.  I  only  had  time  to  barely  outline 
the  case,  but  you  told  me  to  go  as  far  as  I  liked 
with  the  fees.  I  explained  that  thoroughly. 

JAY.    You  would. 

WEEMS.  (R.  of  sofa)  I  told  you  it  was  worth 
$10,000  to  me  to  stop  this  thing.  Make  it  twenty 
and  split  it  any  way  you  please. 

CHALMERS.  Hello hello (Glancing  at  his 

watch) 

WEEMS.  This  will  have  to  be  cash,  of  course. 
(Puts  cap  on  and  prepares  to  leave) 

CHALMERS.     Certainly Oh — hello,  is  this  you, 


20  SICK  ABED 

Dr.  Flexner?  This  is  Chalmers.  Will  you  have 
Dr.  Widner  at  your  office  in  ten  minutes?  Yes, 
the  patient,  the  one  I  mentioned.  (Looks  uncan- 
ingly  at  JAY)  Thank  you.  (Goes  up  c.  gets  hat 
from  chair  in  hallway  and  returns  to  c.) 

JAY.  (Rises)  Oh  say !  I'm  not  going  to  come 
home  and  go  right  to  bed.  I've  got  a  poker  party 
tonight. 

WEEMS.  Listen !  It's  vitally  important  to  me — 
it's  only  a  matter  of  gaining  time. 

JAY.    Oh  but — how  about  me  ? 

WEEMS.  How  about  me?  Reginald,  you  owe 
me  some  return  for  my  devotion,  haven't  I  been 
a  father  to  you? 

JAY.  (Front  of  table  R.  c.)  Oh,  go  to  it.  I 
suppose  I've  got  to. 

WEEMS.  (Cross  to  L.  of  JAY.  Puts  arm  about 
JAY)  My  boy,  I  knew  I  could  depend  on  you. 
Pull  this  off  for  me  and  it  means  another  trip 
round  the  world  for  you.  (Crosses  to  c.) 

CHALMERS.  We  must  go  at  once.  We  haven't 
a  moment  to  lose.  (Goes  up  c.  Both  WEEMS  and 
CHALMERS  move  up  towards  the  door) 

WEEMS.  (Goes  up  c.)  Don't  you  dare  leave  this 
house. 

JAY.  (Crosses  quickly  up  c.  to  R.  of  door)  Can't 
I  even  go  out  ? 

(They  cxi.   and  stand  at  half  closed  doors  up  c.) 

CHALMERS.  (SAJI  enters  L.  i.)  Go  back,  go 
back. 

WEEMS.  Tell  the  janitor  you're  ill  and  send 
Saji  for  champagne. 

CHALMERS.     Go  back  and  lock  everybody  out. 

JAY.    Oh  I  say,  Guardy. 

CHALMERS.    Go  back! 


SICK  ABED  2i 

(JAY  up  c.  They  shut  the  door  in  his  face.  CHAL- 
MERS and  WEEMS  Exeunt.  JAY  comes  down  to 
L.  of  chair  L.  of  table  disconsolately) 

SAJI.  Mr.  Jay!  I  so  glad  you  back.  (JAY  sits 
L.  of  table.  SAJI  crosses  to  c.)  Excuse  please  you 
go  out  tonight  to  club,  eh  ?  You  play  poker  ? 

JAY.    Club !  .  I  can't  go  out. 

SAJI.      (Pointing   to   JAY'S  face)      Oh   Mr.   Jay, 
you  look  velly  sick  in  the  face. 

JAY.    What! 

SAJI.    You  much  better  go  bed. 

JAY.  (Rises,  leads  SAJI  up  c.)  Don't  you  start 
that  too.  You  go  out,  lock  the  door  and  don't  let 
anybody  in.  I'll  lock  myself  in  my  room.  I  want 
to  be  alone.  (Bus.  of  locking  door  as  CONSTANCE 
enters,  turns,  starts  down  c.,  sees  CONSTANCE  and 
returns  to  door  alarmed) 

CONSTANCE.  (Crosses  to  c.)  Reggie!  (Pushing 
up  her  veil} 

JAY.  (Starts  to  go  up  to  doors,  then  cosses 
down  R.  to  back  of  table.  CONSTANCE  follows  JAY 
up  c.  Then  to  L.  of  table)  Oh  Constance!  Shoo, 
shoo,  you  don't  know  what  you're  doing. 

(CONSTANCE  comes  to  chair  L.  of  table.) 

CONSTANCE.  Indeed  I  do.  Reggie  you've  sim- 
ply got  to  help  me.  I  know  my  husband's  been  here 
talking  to  you.  It's  just  like  him  to  try  and  influence 
you — appeal  to  your  sympathies — I  knew  he  would, 
but  you're  going  to  help  me  to  get  that  divorce. 
{Crosses  back  of  table  to  R.  of  it) 

JAY.  (Backing  away  from  CONSTANCE)  Now, 
s'ee  here,  Constance — I  can't  help  you.  On  my  soul, 
I  hnozv.  Hang  it  all'!  I  can't  turn  on  Weems — he's 
my  guardian.  Now,  Constance,  be  a  sport.  (R.  of 


22  SICK  ABED 

table.  CONSTANCE  to  R.  of  it,  kneels  on  chair  and 
puts  arm  round  JAY.  He  R.  of  her,  tries  to  draw 
away) 

CONSTANCE.  I  am,  and  it's  my  turn  to  have  some 
sport.  Oh,  Reggie !  Why  did  you  run  off  to  Africa 
just  when  I  needed  you?  (Grabs  his  hand)  I  could 
have  got  this  divorce  a  year  ago.  Think  of  all  the 
wasted  time.  Reggie ! 

JAY.  (Backing  away)  You  don't  want  a  divorce. 
Have  a  heart. 

CONSTANCE.    It's  because  I  have  a  heart! 

JAY.  And  you'd  haul  that  poor  old  boy's  little 
vacations  right  out  before  everybody,  and  spoil  his 
whole  young  future. 

CONSTANCE.  What  about  mine?  Reggie,  how 
can  you!  (CONSTANCE  grabs  JAY'S  L.  hand.  He 
swings  down  and  crosses  to  L.  of  chair  and  L.  of  ta- 
ble, puts  chair  between  him  and  her.  She  holding 
his  hand  goes  to  chair  and  kneels  on  it)  You — you 
used  to  be  considerate  of  me.  (Kneels  on  chair) 
You  used  to  be  sorry  for  me.  You  said  yourself,  I 
was  ill-treated.  You  said,  oh,  you  know  what  you 
said !  (She  hangs  on  to  his  neck,  he  ducks  and  tries 
to  get  away  and  each  time  he  ducks  down,  she  lifts 
him  up  by  the  neck) 

JAY.  No — now,  I  didn't.  I  don't  say  you've  had 
a  square  deal  exactly 

CONSTANCE.  (Kneeling  on  the  chair  L.  of  table) 
Well,  I  mean  to  have  one  now,  yes,  I  do ! 

JAY.  I — I  tell  you,  Constance — I'm — I'm  not 
strong  enough.  I've  had  Jungle  fever;  I've  had  a 
relapse.  I — Constance — get  someone  else  to  do  this 
job — there  must  be  plenty  of  others — oh,  hang  it! 
What  am  I  saying !  Let  me  out  of  it — Lord !  You 
can't  make  a  woman  understand ! 

CONSTANCE.     It's  a  man  who  won't  understand. 


SICK  ABED  23 

Reggie  dear,  for  old  time's  sake — (Puts  arms  round 
JAY'S  neck) 

JAY.  Oh,  Lord !  How  would  I  look  helping  you 
get  a  divorce  from  father's  friend,  my  own  guar- 
dian !  Don't  you  see ?  Why,  I  couldn't  look  a  soul 
in  the  eye. 

CONSTANCE.  (Soulfully)  You  could  look  me  in 
the  eye. 

JAY.  Well,  I  couldn't  spend  the  rest  of  my  life 
looking  you  in  the  eye  now,  could  I  ? 

CONSTANCE.  (Sentimentally  tries  to  pull  him 
dose  to  her}  Why  not? 

JAY.  (Breaks  away  and  crosses  to  front  of 
hamper)  Don't  be  silly.  I've  got  to  be  loyal.  Why 
can't  you? 

CONSTANCE.  (Following  to  R.  of  basket}  Be- 
cause my  husband  wasn't  Reggie,  (Crosses  to  R. 
of  basket)  Don't  be  a  Don  Quixote.  We've  got 
to  think  for  ourselves  in  this  world.  (Possessively) 

JAY.    Well,  but  I  am. 

CONSTANCES  Well,  think  about  me  and  our  beau- 
tiful romance. 

JAY.    Our  beautiful  romance? 

CONSTANCE.  Don't  pretend  you  don't  rememr 
ber  our  wonderland.  (Draws  JAY  down  on  hamper) 

JAY.    Oh,  forget  it !    (Sits  L.  end  of  basket) 

CONSTANCE.  As  though  anything  could  be  so 
beautiful.  (Settles  herself  on  hamper  R.  of  JAY — 
Sentimentally)  As  the  Alice  in  Wonderland  ball 
when  you  were  dressed  as  Tweedledum  and  I  was 
Tweedledee  ? 

JAY.  (Melting)  Oh — er — yes — Jolly  good 
champagne  they  served  that  night — good  spread, 
too. 

CONSTANCE.  (Pulling  herself  closer  to  JAY) 
Don't  you  remember  after  supper  in  the  conser- 
vatory ? 


24  SICK  ABED 

JAY.    After  supper — awfully  good  vintage. 

CONSTANCE.  Don't  you  remember  how  we  ex- 
changed rings — so  delightfully  medieval  and  ro- 
matic,  wasn't  it? 

JAY.  Gad — yes — and  I  never  returned  it,  did  I? 
Rotten  careless  of  me. 

CONSTANCE.  (Puts  arm  around  JAY'S  neck) 
\Vhy  should  you?  Don't  you  remember,  we  made 
a  pact. 

JAY.    A  pact?    (mystified)    A  pact? 

CONSTANCE.  That  when  either  needed  the 
other — we  were  to  send  the  ring — just  like  a  fairy 
tale? 

JAY.  That  was  wonderful  champagne  that 
night. 

CONSTANCE.  (Intensely)  Reggie  -  -  here  — 
(Holding  out  her  hand  on  which  is  the  ring)  is  the 
ring. 

JAY.  H'm.  So  it  is.  That  was  the  best  ring 
I  ever  had. 

CONSTANCE.  Reggie,  you  won't  spoil  our  fairy- 
tale?  (She  holds  his  hand,  JAY  strokers  her  hand) 
hep  you,  but  my  dear  girl,  don't  you  see —  I  can't ! 

JAY.  Oh  Lord  !  Constance — I — I  wish  I  could 
help  you,  but  my  dear  girl,  don't  you  see — I  can't ! 

CONSTANCE.    Don't  you  remember  you  promised. 

JAY.  (Brightly,  with  a  new  inspiration)  Now, 
listen,  Constance.  I'll  tell  you  what  I  will  do.  I'll 
see  if  I  can  get  your  Old  Boy  to  frame  up  some- 
thing else,  and  let  us  all  get  out  of  it  easily. 

CONSTANCE.  But  he  won't.  (Withdraws  her 
hand — He  continues  to  stroke  his  own  hand)  No, 
it  won't  do.  He's  perfectly  capable  of  claiming 
illusion.  Reggie,  don't  you  want  me  to  get  a 
divorce.  Don't  you  want  your  little  Tweedledee  to 
be  happy  (She  puts  her  arm  around  him) 

JAY.  Of  course,  of  course  I  want  to  see  you 
happy.  You  ought  to  be  happy. 


SICK  ABED  25 


CONSTANCE.    Then- 


JAY.  Confound  it,  Constance.  Your  lawyers 
Tiave  subpoenaed  me.  (Takes  subpoena  out  of 
pocket}  Now  you  promise  to  call  them  off  and  I'll 
see  what  I  can  do  with  Weems.  There's  a  good 
Dee  dee. 

CONSTANCE.  My  Dum  dum.  (Removes  her 
hat  and  rests  her  head  on  JAY'S  shoulder) 

WEEMS.  (Voice  heard  off  stage)  Saji,  tell  Mr. 
Jay  I  am  here. 


(JAY  rises  and  brushes  the  powder  from  his  coat. 
CONSTANCE  rises.) 

CONSTANCE.    Oh !    Familiar  voice. 
(SAji  enters  up  c.) 


SAJI.    Excuse  please,  Mr.  Weems  at  door 

CONSTANCE.     (Alarmed)     My  husband! 

JAY.     Weems! 

CONSTANCE.  Oh  don't  let  him  see  me — (Crosses 
quickly  to  R.  c.  JAY  quickly  follows  her) 

JAY.    Thai's  my  bedroom.    You  can't  go  in  there. 

CONSTANCE.    I  don't  care  if  it  is. 

JAY.  Well,  I  do.  (Catches  hold  of  her,  drags  her 
to  L.)  Go  in  there.  (Runs  CONSTANCE  off  L.  I 
Turns  to  SAJI)  Saji,  show  him  in. 

CONSTANCE.  (At  the  door)  Reggie,  you  prom- 
ised to  help  me — 

JAY.  (Hustling  her  off)  I'll  make  him  agree  to 
a  frame-up  for  all  our  sakes.  Keep  this  door  shut. 
(Pushes  her  off;  shuts  the  door.  Crosses  up  c. 
Direcily  JAY  leaves  the  door  CONSTANCE  enters 
again) 

CONSTANCE.    Oh  Reggie,  I  want  to  hear.    (Goes 


26  SICK  ABED 

to  hamper,  opens  lid,  and  gets  in  with  a  giggle.  In 
closing  the  lid  after  her,  her  blue  ostrich  feather 
gets  caught,  and  protrudes  under  the  lid.  JAY  and 
'WEEMS  enter  talking} 

JAY.  (Taking  WEEMS  L.  arm,  coming  down  c) 
Now  see  here,  Guardy,  I've  been  thinking.  I  want 
to  talk  this  over  with  you.  Suppose  you  frame  up 
something  or  other  and  let  Constance 

WEEMS.     (R.   of  JAY)     Impossible,  impossible! 

JAY.  It's  being  done.  Now  see  here,  Weems,  I 
tell  you — listen,  I've  a  plan. 

WEEMS.  All  I  need  is  a  little  time,  and — (Sud- 
denly notices  the  blue  ostrich  feather  sticking  out  of 
hamper)  Good  heavens!  What  have  you  got  in 
that  basket?  (Points  to  it.  JAY  turns  and  sees 
the  feathers) 

JAY.  What!  Oh — Oh— (Collecting  himself) 
Oh,  that!  T — th— that's  an  ostrich 

WEEMS.    An  ostrich? 

JAY.    Yes,  a  live,  blue  ostrich. 

WEEMS.  A  blue  ostrich !  (Starts  to  cross  to  the 
basket.  JAY  intercepts  him) 

JAY.  Oh — keep  away  from  that!  She's  wild, 
and  he's  blue. 

WEEMS.    Whoever  heard  of  a  blue  ostrich. 

JAY.    Oh  it's  very  rare.    Very  ostrichazura. 

WEEMS.  Dear  me,  how  interesting.  Ostriches- 
azura.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  JAY  and  again  tries  to 
lift  the  lid.  JAY  grabs  his  arm  and  swings  him  to  c.) 

JAY.  (R.  of  WEEMS)  Now  see  here,  Weems,  I 
beg,  I  implore  you  to  let  Constance  obtain  the  di- 
vorce on  some  non-committal  ground.  Say  cruelty, 
or  habitual  drunkenness. 

WEEMS.  Reginald,  understand  me — once  and 
for  all,  I  will  not  free  Constance,  to  make  me  ridi- 
culous, by  marrying  the  whippersnapper. 

JAY.    Whippersnapper  ? 


SICK  ABED  27 

WEEMS.  I  simply  will  not.  Opprobrium,  while 
I  don't  court  it,  I  can  combat,  but  not  ridicule. 

JAY.    What  do  you  mean  Whippersnapper  ? 

WEEMS.     I  mean  that  Constance  is  infatuated. 

JAY.  I  don't  believe  it.  I  know  Constance.  No 
sir,  nothing  like  that. 

WEEMS.  I  tell  you  it's  so.  (He  moves  up  L.  c. 
Lid  of  basket  raises  and  closes  as  WEEMS  turns 
down  stage.  JAY  staggers  as  he  sees  lid  open}  She 
as  good  as  admitted  it 

JAY.    What  did  she  say? 

WEEMS.  She  called  me  an  old  nut.  (Crosses 
down  L.  c.) 

JAY.     Oh  that's  mere  married  persiflage. 

WEEMS.    She  taunted  me. 

JAY.    How  ? 

WEEMS.  She  said  she  didn't  intend  to  be  an 
old  man's  slave  all  her  life,  when  she  could  be  a 
young  man's  darling.  (Moves  to  L.  of  JAY.  Com- 
fidentially}  She  informed  me,  she  knew  a  young 
man  who  would  play  Tweedledum  to  her  Twee- 
diedee.  Ha,  ha !  Her  Tweedledum  indeed. 
(Crosses  to  R.  c.  JAY  registers  amazement.  Lid 
of  basket  slowly  rises.  JAY  terrified,  leans  against 
table}  What  do  you  think  of  that?  (WEEMS  goes 
down  R.  JAY  crosses  to  WEEMS  as  PAT  enters,  with 
truck} 

JAY.    Sh,  the  Janitor ! 

PAT.  That  black  and  tan  haythen  told  me  to  come 
for  the  basket.  And  by  the  same  token  if  it  wasn't 
for  yerself  Mr.  Jay,  I'd  not  be  takin'  orders  from 
the  loikes  o'  him.  (Puts  truck  down  alongside  the 
hamper.  JAV  crosses  to  help  him  with  the  basket. 
PAT  tries  to  lift  it}  Say,  that  Japanese  told  me 
this  was  empty. 

JAY.  (Holding  his  hand  on  the  lid  as  he  helps 
to  lift}  Now  be  very  careful  with  this. 


28  SICK  ABED 

(Hamper  moves.     PAT  jumps  away  alarmed.} 

PAT.    Oh,  it  moves.    What's  in  it? 

JAY.  An  ostrich.  Handle  with  care  and  don't 
put  that  over  the  bumps. 

PAT.  Wid  care  is  it?  D'ye  know  where  this  is 
going,  with  me  store  room  full,  and  me  furnace 
room  full  it  do  be  goin'  to  the  sub  cellar,  that  b 
where  it's  going.  (Exit  PAT  wheeling  off  the  ham- 
per. JAY  follows  him  up  c.  ad  lib  till  off) 

JAY.  (Up  c.  Sways  against  door  frame)  Ohi 
if  that  basket  had  stayed  a  minute  longer  I  believe 
I'd  have  fainted.  (Comes  down,  sits  on  sofa) 

WEEMS.    Why? 

JAY.    Why?    Why?    Oh,  why! 

WEEMS.     Why,   you're   acting   as   if   you   were 


JAY.    Well,  didn't  you  ask  me  to  be  ill  ? 

(Enter  CHALMERS  with  FLEXNER  and  WIDNER  up 
c.  CHALMERS  enters  first  and  goes  to  up  end  of 
table.  FLEXNER  follows  and  crosses  down  to 
L.  of  WEEMS  at  front  of  table.  WIDNER  fol- 
lows down  c.  FLEXNER  moves  a  step  to  R.  c. 
as  WIDNER  shakes  hands  with  WEEMS) 

CHALMERS.  Mr.  Weems,  the  doctors,  allow  me, 
"Dr.  Flexner.  (Back  of  table) 

FLEXNER.  (To  c.)  Ah  Mr.  Weems  delighted, 
I  remember  you  very  well. 

DR.  WIDNER.    Delighted.     (Shakes  hands) 

WEEMS.  (As  he  shakes  hands  with  WIDNER) 
•Gentlemen  you  must  find  this  an  odd  consultation. 

WIDNER.     (c.)    Where,  may  I  ask,  is  the  patient  ? 

CHALMERS.  (Who  has  moved  to  L.  c.  indicating 
JAY)  This  is  the  patient. 


SIGK  ABED  29 

(WIDNER  and  FLEXNER  look  at  JAY  and  then  at 
each  other.} 

JAY.  I'm  pleased  to  meet  you,  but  I'm  hopeful 
we  can  adjust  this  without  your  services.  If  Mr. 
Weems  will  only — 

CHALMERS.  (At  the  R.  end  of  sofa)  You  will 
have  to  be  guided  by  me. 

FLEXNER.  A  very  excellent  adviser.  (Crossing 
to  L.  c.  to  R.  of  sofa)  I  have  had  the  pleasure  of 
knowing  Mr.  Chalmers  for  years.  Mr.  Chalmers, 
I  have  every  confidence — 

WEEMS.     Be  seated,  gentlemen. 

(CHALMERS  gets  chair  from  up  c.  and  places  it  c. 
Sits  R.  of  table.  WIDNER  sits  L.  of  table. 
FLEXNER  sits  L.  of  WEEMS.) 

CIIAT.MERS.  (Crosses  to  back  of  table)  Let's 
get  down  to  business.  The  fact  is — as  I  have  told 
you,  Mrs.  Weems  wants  a  divorce. 

WIDNER.  I  am  thoroughly  opposed  to  divorce  for 
ethical  reasons. 

FLEXNER.  No  family  physician  could  feel  other- 
wise. 

CHALMERS.  To  assist  in  preventing  a  divorce  is 
a  worthy  act. 

WEEMS.  And  I  have  just  come  from  the  Bank. 
(JAY  rises  f  and  paces  nervously  up  and  down) 

JAY.    Where  the  fees  come  from. 

FLEXNER.  (Looks  at  JAY  then  at  WIDNER,  then 
back  to  JAY)  Upon  my  soul,  Mr.  Jay,  you  do  look 
badly. 

JAY.    Do  I? 

CHALMERS.  Mr.  Weems  I  think  we  had  best  be 
going. 

WEEMS.    Why? 


30  SICK  ABED 

CHALMERS.  It  wouldn't  do  to  have  it  known  that 
•\ve  were  here,  when  the  attack  took  place. 

JAY.    The  attack  !     (Sits  sofa} 

WEEMS.  Yes,  yes,  I  see.  (Rises  and  crosses  to 
"R.  of  chair,  R.  of  table) 

FLEXNER.  (Rising)  I  don't  wish  to  appear 
mercenary,  but  just  a  word  with  regard  to  fees. 

{  WEEMS  goes  up  R.  He  hands  money  to  FLEXNER, 
then  comes  down  and  hands  money  to  WIDNER. 
WIDNER  moves  to  R.  of  table.) 

CHALMERS.  (Comes  to  R.  of  sofa.  FLEXNER  re- 
places chair  up  c.)  I  hope  you  fully  understand  the 
gravity  of  the  situation. 

JAY.    Do  I? 

CHALMERS.    Well,  don't  forget  it. 

WEEMS.  (Crosses  to  JAY)  Good  bye,  my  boy. 
If  the  worst  comes  to  the  worst.  (Shakes  his  hand) 
God  bless  you. 


{JAY  turns  and  watches  WEEMS  off.  CHALMERS 
goes  up  c.,  exits  with  WEEMS.  DR.  WIDNER 
down  R.,  FLEXNER  up  c.  JAY  sitting  sofa) 

WIDNER.     (R.)    How's  the  patient,  eh? 

FLEXNER.  Now  we  had  best  proceed  with  the 
diagnosis.  (WIDNER  walks  down  c.  then  up  to  R. 
cf  sofa,  keeping  his  eyes  on  JAY.  FLEXNER  walks 
down  L.  JAY  looks  from  one  to  the  other  with 
suspicion) 

WIDNER.  (R.  of  sofa)  We  will  prepare  a  list 
of  your  symptoms  which  you  must  memorize.  We 
have  decided  on  nervous  prostration. 

JAY.    Why  nervous  prostration? 

FLEXNER.     (L.  of  sofa)     Because  it's  absolutely 


SICK  ABED  31 

impossible  to  prove  you  haven't  got  it.  See  the 
point  ? 

WIDNER.  If  you  say  you  have  fainting  spells. 
Dizziness — a  desire  to  scream,  bursts  of  laughter, 
who's  to  prove  you  haven't  ? 

FLEXNER.  Besides — I  have  a  clinical  thermome- 
ter that  always  registers  104.  (Taking  out  ther- 
mometer} 

JAY.     Why  104? 

FLEXNER.    104  is  hope  without  certainty. 

WIDNER.    But  you  must  remember  to  be  sick. 

JAY.  Do  you  know  of  some  prominent  under- 
taker? 

FLEXNER.     Leave  all  that  to  us. 

JAY.  (Rises  and  crosses  to  L.  of  table  R.  c.) 
I  will.  All  right,  I'll  be  ill.  I'll  have  mumps,  chick- 
enpox,  measles,  shingles.  But  not  nervous  prostra- 
tion!  (Crosses  to  front  of  table  L.  FLEXNER  to  c.) 

WIDNER.  (Moves  a  step  to  L.  of  JAY)  You 
have  got  to  have  sinking  spells. 

JAY.     (Sits  L.  of  table)     I've  just  had  one. 

FLEXNER.  Sudden  pains,  restlessness — Of  course 
you  can't  go  out. 

JAY.    But  lots  of  prostrates  go  out. 

WIDNER.  But  you  can't  or  you  could  go  to  Court. 
Why,  you're  too  ill  even  to  make  a  deposition. 

JAY.    Am  I  ? 

WIDNER.  You  will  be.  (Looks  meaningly  at 
FLEXNER)  Even  in  this  apartment,  you  have  to 
go  in  an  invalid  chair.  I've  left  orders  at  my  sani- 
tarium to  have  one  sent  over. 

FLEXNER.    How  about  your  nurse? 

JAY.  But  I  don't  want  a  nurse.  Can't  I  be  dying 
without  a  nurse  ? 

WIDNER.     They  always  go  with  dying. 

JAY.      (Crosses  to  R.   of  table)     Then  I  don't 


32  SICK  ABED 

want  a  nurse.    I  won't  have  it !    Let  Saji  take  care 
of  me. 

FLEXNER.  But  my  dear  sir — it  won't  do — It 
would  have  no  verisimilitude.  (Crosses  to  behind 
chair  L.  of  table.  WIDNER  crosses  up  round  table 
to  down  R.  of  table} 

JAY.  I  don't  want  any  veri-similitude ;  and  I 
won't  have  a  nurse.  They're  all  tyrants. 

WIDNER.    Not  at  all,  Air.  Jay,  not  at  all. 

JAY.  They  are  too.  Lemon-faced,  sour  old 
maids,  all  of  them. 

FLEXNER.    I  assure  you — 

WIDNER.  The  day  nurse  may  be  here  at  any 
moment.  (Moves  to  R.  of  JAY) 

JAY.    Oh  Lord ! 

FLEXNER.  (To  L.  of  JAY,  who  sits  R.  of  table} 
Come  on  now,  take  your  collar  and  shoes  off  and 
get  ready  for  the  nurse.  (WIDNER  and  FLEXNER 
start  taking  off  his  shoes — WIDNER  R.  and  FLEXNER 
L.  of  JAY) 

JAY.  But  hang  it,  get  me  an  orderly,  I  don't 
want  a  nurse.  (They  remove  his  shoes  and  collar 
and  hustle  him  off  R.  WIDNER  stands  at  the  door 
as  JAY  and  FLEXNER  move  to  door}  I  tell  you  I 
can  stand  anything  but  that — I  loathe  nurses.  They 
all  smell  of  ether. 

FLEXNER.    No,  they  don't. 

JAY.  Yes,  they  do  too.  I've  smelt  'em.  I'm  not. 
sick,  oh,  I'm  dying! 

(Door  closes.  As  WIDNER  stands  at  the  door  Miss 
DURANT  enters  up  c.  and  comes  down  c.  look- 
ing about  her.} 

Miss  DURANT.  Oh,  Dr.  Widner,  you  left  word 
for  me  to  come  right  up  and  the  door  was  blocked 


SICK  ABED  33 

open  and  nobody  about,  so  I  came  on  in.  I  hope 
it  was  all  right. 

WIDNER.  (Crosses  to  front  of  table  R.  of  Miss 
DURANT)  Oh  quite,  nurse.  Quite.  I  want  to 
explain  a  little  about  this  case.  It's  prostration.  He 
doesn't  realize  his  condition.  Or  rather  only  at  in- 
tervals. He  thinks  he's  perfectly  well — and  then  he 
thinks  he's  dying.  He — er — has  hallucinations — 
imagines  he's  involved  in  some  sort  of  conspiracy 
— don't  be  surprised  at  anything  he  may  say  or  do. 

JAY'S  VOICE.  (Heard  off)  Take  your  hands 
out  of  my  pocket. 

WIDNER.  Fancies  he's  being  robbed.  (Looks 
thoughtfully  toivards  the  door  R.)  I  wonder!  You 
must  be  gentle  with  him  but  very  firm.  Absolute 
necessity  for  him  is  quiet.  Under  no  circumstances 
must  he  see  anyone,  except  his  guardian,  Mr. 
Weems  and  Mr.  Chalmers,  his  lawyer.  Otherwise 
positively  no  one,  you  understand? 

Miss  DURANT.  Yes,  doctor,  I  understand. 
(Moves  to  front  of  sofa.  Loud  commotion  comes 
from  bedroom  R.  as  JAY  enters  wrapped  in  dressing 
gown.  He  walks  backwards,  talking  to  FLEXNER, 
inho  follows  him) 

JAY.  (Crosses  to  c.  to  L.  of  WIDNER.  FLEXNER 
R.  of  WIDNER)  Be  reasonable,  can't  you?  Remem- 
ber I'm  as  well  as  anybody.  I'll  agree  to  stay  put, 
but  I'm  hanged  if  I'll  stand  for  all  this  other  bunk. 
And  I  positively  will  not  have  a  nurse.  (He  turns 
and  catches  sight  of  Miss  DURANT)  Who  is  this 
lady? 

FLEXNER.    Your  nurse,  Miss  Durant. 

JAY.    I'm  sick.    I'm  dying.    I  want  a  nurse. 

Miss  DURANT.     (Humoring  him)    Yes,  yes. 

JAY.  (Crosses  to  Miss  DURANT  with  outstretched 
arms.  She  leads  him  and  seats  him  on  R.  end  of 
sofa)  Oh,  I'm  so  glad  you've  come.  Oh  good, 


34  SICK  ABED 

kind,  lovely  nurse,  oh,  don't  move,  you're  not  go- 
ing to  leave  me  ? 

Miss  DURANT.  (Standing  R.  of  JAY)  Why  no, 
certainly  not.  I  never  disappoint  my  doctors. 

JAY.  (R.  end  of  sofa,  holding  on  to  Nurse) 
You'll  surely  stay?  It's  one  of  my  symptoms.  I 
take  violent  likes  and  dislikes.  What  did  you  say 
your  name  was? 

Miss  DURANT.    Miss  Durant. 

JAY.    Miss  Durant.    Have  you  a  first  name? 

Miss  DURANT.    Georgina. 

JAY.     Georgina — beautiful  name! 

Miss  DURANT.    I'm  glad  you  like  it. 
FLEXNER.     (To  CHALMERS)    This  begins  to  look 
like  a  case ! 

WIDNER.    Yes.    Now,  Miss  Durant— 

(Miss  DURANT  turns  to  c.) 

JAY.  Oh — oh — ouch  !  My  head — oh,  it's  com- 
ing off — oh,  oh— hold  it  on  for  me — hold  it  on. 
(Miss  DURANT  at  arm  of  sofa.  FLEXNER  goes  up 
<:.  to  ring  bell.  WIDNER  then  moves  over  to  L.  of 
CHALMERS.  She  takes  his  head  in  her  hands,  and 
he  subsides  purring) 

Miss  DURANT.  (WIDNER  going  away  a  step  up 
c.  Miss  DURANT  putting  hands  on  JAY'S  fore- 
head, moving  back  of  him)  There — does  that  help? 

JAY.  (Smiling)  Does  it  help?  It  feels  like 
victory  on  a  capital  dome. 

FLEXNER.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  Miss  DURANT)  I'm 
araid  you'll  have  to  humor  him,  Miss  Durant ! 
(Goes  up  c.  to  ring  bell) 

JAY.  Oh — oh — don't  take  your  hand  off — it's 
loosening  again,  oh!  (Taking  down  one  hand  and 
looking  at  it.  FLEXNER  moves  a  step  L.  of  WID- 


SICK  ABED  35 

NER)  Why,  what  a  beautiful  hand.  Did  you  bring 
your  trunk? 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh  no,  just  my  grip  ! 

SAJI.  (Enters  L.  i.  Crosses  to  L.  of  JAY)  Ex- 
cuse please.  Somebody  ling? 

JAY.  Oh,  that  you,  Saji?  This  is  Miss  Durant, 
my  nurse. 

(SAji  looks  disgusted  at  Miss  DURANT.) 

SAJI.  (Amazed}  Much  better  get  honorable 
man  nurse. 

JAY.  (SAji  looks')  That  will  be  about  all  from 
you,  Saji.  Take  Miss  Durant's  grip  to  her  room. 
Miss  Durant  will  have  the  red  room  and  the  little 
sun-parlor. 

SAJI.  Yes,  sir.  (Picks  up  grip  and  starts  to 
go,  then  turns}  Oh,  excuse  please  —  Man  jus'  bling 
baby  carriage.  Who  for? 

JAY.  (Looks  slowly  at  WIDNER.  Miss  DURANT 
still  holding  his  forehead}  Am  I  going  to  have  a 
baby?  (All  register} 

WIDNER.  Miss  DURANT  moves  L.  and  back  of 
JAY)  It's  the  invalid  chair  - 

FLEXNER.  Send  it  in.  (Moving  up  c.  back  of 
lable  to  R.  Sits  R.  of  table} 

WIDNER.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  Miss  DURANT) 
Now,  Mr.  Jay,  you  must  remember  you  are  to  be 
quiet.  (To  Miss  DURANT)  Nurse,  he  is  not  to 
receive  visitors  under  any  pretext  whatever.  Nurse, 
give  him  your  best  attention.  (Sits  L.  of  table  and 


Miss  DURANT.     I  understand. 

JAY.    I  feel  I'm  going  to  be  sick  for  a  long  time 

(  WIDNER  to  up  R.  of  JAY.) 


36  SICK  ABED 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh  no  you're  not. 

JAY.     Oh,  yes  I  am.    I  feel  it  coming  on. 

(Enter  PAT  wi:k  zvheel  chair  to  c.) 

PAT.  (Looks  at  JAY  and  Miss  DURANT)  For 
the  love  o'  heaven,  what  next? 

(JAY  looks  at  if,  disgus'edly,  then  leaps  up  clutch- 
ing at  Miss  DURANT.) 

JAY.    Oh  there's  my  little  chair. 

(WIDNER  L.  of  table  and  writes,  sitting,  and  FLEX- 
NER  to  R.  of  table  sits  and  writes.} 

Miss  DURANT.    It's  very  comfortable. 

JAY.  I  want  to  get  into  my  chair !  ( Gets  in  and 
wheels  L.)  Who  wants  a  Buick?  (At  once  starts 
wheeling  it  down  to  L.  Nurse  to  L.  c.) 

PAT.  He's  not  an  explorer,  he's  a  nut.  (Exits 
muttering  "He's  a  nut"} 

WIDNER.  (To  R.  of  Nurse,  who  is  L.  c.)  Now, 
Miss  Durant,  here  is  the  regime  he  is  to  follow. 
(Sits  L.  of  table  and  writes — JAY  turns  his  chair 
and  faces  to  c.) 

FLEXNER.  (Crosses  up  back  of  table  down  to  L. 
of  nurse,  hands  her  prescription}  Have  this  made 
up. 

WIDNER.  Rest,  quiet,  isolation,  no  excitement,  no 
noise,  no  interviews ! 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crosses  to  front  of  sofa  to  R.  of 
JAY)  I  understand,  a  low  diet.  (Crosses  back  of 
sofa,  puts  prescription  on  mantel,  then  to  L.  of  sofa 
and  puts  pillow  at  JAY'S  back  in  chair) 

JAY.    (Loudly)    No! 

(Warn  bell.} 


SICK  ABED  37 

FLEXNER.  (L.  of  table.  Holding  up  restraining 
hand  to  JAY)  Unless  his  temperature  rises,  he  may 
eat  freely.  (Crosses  to  front  of  sofa  R.  of  nurse) 

JAY.    And  drink — and  drink? 

WIDNER.  It  would  be  unwise  to  break  suddenly 
into  a  well  established  habit.  GAY  looks  at  win- 
dow} A  highball  champagne,  when  weak. 

FLEXNER.  (To  WIDNER)  He  may  sit  up  for 
his  evening  meal,  don't  you  think? 

WIDNER.  I'm  opposed  to  nourisment  taken 
when  reclining.  (JAY  sits  up  straight}  Now,  Miss 
Durant,  gentle  but  firm.  (Crosses  to  c.  to  R.  of 
Miss  DURANT) 

FLEXNER.  (FLEXNER  and  WIDNER  go  up  c.) 
Good  day,  Mr.  Jay,  good  day,  Miss  Durant.  We 
may,  I  think,  safely  leave  him  to  the  progress  of 
his  malady. 

WIDNER.     Yes,  yes,  let  nature  take  its  course. 

FLEXNER.    We  hope  for  the  best. 

WIDNER.  But  prepare  for  the  worst.  (Exeunt 
WJDNER  and  FLEXNER  up  c.) 

(Miss   DURANT  moves   to   L.   of  JAY.     Starts   to 
•wheel  him  to  R.) 

JAY.     Solitude  for  two. 

Miss  DURANT.  And  now  I  must  wheel  you  to 
your  room. 

JAY.  No — don't  let's,  yet.  (Turns  chair. 
Nurse  wheels  him  a  step  towards  c.) 

Miss  DURANT.    But  you  must.     (Wheeling  him) 

JAY.  (Turning  chair  front)  The  doctors  said 
you  must  be  gentle  with  me.  (A  ring  outside — 
Bell) 

Miss  DURANT.     But  very  firm.     (Bell.)     Listen 

more  people.  Come  now,  you've  got  to  begin 
vour  isolation. 


38  SICK  ABED 

JAY.  (Turns  chair — face  front,  grinning  at  her) 
Not  icy  isolation.  (He  turns  the  wheel  chair  to 
face  her.  She  takes  the  handles  and  turns  him 
round  again) 

Miss  DURANT.  Now,  no.  Don't  let's  make  a  bad 
beginning.  (Turns  chair  to  face  c.) 

JAY.    But  that  makes  a  good  ending. 

Miss  DURANT.    That  remains  to  be  seen. 

JAY.    What? 

Miss  DURANT.     That  remains — 

JAY.     Don't  call  me  "remains,"  I  don't  like  it. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Wheeling  him  toward  door) 
Very  well  then.  One,  two,  three — (Bell)  Some- 
body's coming.  (At  c.  he  turns  the  wheels  again 
and  faces  her.  All  through  this  scene  they  struggle 
with  the  wheel  chair,  he  with  wheels,  she  with 
liandle  bars) 

JAY.  (Facing  front,  R.)  Say,  do  you  know  1 
don't  think  I  could  have  gone  through  with  it,  if  it 
hadn't  been  for  you. 

Miss  DURANT.  (To  L.  of  him)  You're  not 
through  with  it  yet.  You  haven't  begun. 

JAY.  (Beatifically)  We  haven't  begun.  We've 
got  this  whole  long,  beautifull  illness  to  go  through 
together,  haven't  we? 

Miss  DURANT.  That's  one  way  to  put  it.  Now 
come  along  av.d  wash  up  for  dinner. 

JAY.      (Turns   chair)      Do   you   dine   with   me? 

Miss  DURANT.    I  sit  with  you. 

JAY.  Say,  Nursey,  do  you  believe  in  love  at  first 
sight?  (Holding  chair  as  she  tries  to  turn  it — He 
wheels  about  again) 

Miss  DURANT.  Aren't  you  naughty!  (Bell) 
There's  the  door.  (Ring.  Goes  up  c.)  And  there's 
the  hall  bell.  (JAY  turns  chair  and  follows  her  up 

c.) 

JAY.     (Up  c.)     Nursey,  nursey,  what  is  love? 


SICK  ABED  39 

Tell  me.  {Nurse  come  c.  takes  chair  and  wheels 
JAY  off  R.  talking.  She  manoeuvres  in  front  of  the 
door) 

Miss  DURANT.  Love?  Love  is  emotional  hyper- 
strabismus — of  the  mental  optics  otherwise  known 
as  hallucination.  (She  whirls  him  expertly  to  the 
door) 

JAY.  Sounds  like  a  disease.  (They  exit  through 
the  door  as  CONSTANCE  staggers  into  the  room, 
followed  by  SAJI  protesting.  Her  hat  is  a  wreck, 
her  clothes  awry.) 

CONSTANCE.  I'm  going  to  see  him — I  tell  you! 
(Comes  down  c.  to  L.  of  table) 

SAJI.  (L.  of  CONSTANCE)  No  can  do.  Mista 
Jay  velly,  velly  sick. 

CONSTANCE.    Oh,  he  is,  is  he  ? 

SAJI.    Yes. 

CONSTANCE,  (c.)  I  knew  they  were  framing 
something. 

SAJI.  He  double  sick,  two  doctors,  two  nurses. 
No  have  pain.  No  can  see  anybody.  Velly,  velly 
sick. 

CONSTANCE.  (Backing  SAJI  to  D.)  It's  a  fraud! 
He  isn't  sick.  And  what  did  he  mean  by  having  me 
taken  down  a  service  lift  and  left  in  a  cellar?  I'll 
get  to  the  bottom  of  this. 

SAJI.     (c.)   You  got  bottom  pretty  damn  quick. 

CONSTANCE.  I'm  a  wreck.  And  I  had  to  bribe 
the  Janitor.  Where  is  he?  Where  have  they  taken 
him?  (Crosses  back  of  table  to  R.  of  it) 

SAJI.  (Moving  a  step  to  table)  Nurse  take  him 
to  bedloom. 

CONSTANCE.     (Crosses  to  R.  of  table)    Bedroom! 

SAJI.  (Looks  to  R.)  More  better  you  go  now. 
(Moves  to  L.  of  table) 

(CONSTANCE  crosses  quickly  with  SAJI  trying  to 
stop  her.) 


40  SICK  ABED 

CONSTANCE.  Sick,  indeed !  It's  a  heartless,  cruel, 
wicked  imposture !  (Starts  to  go  to  R.) 

SAJI.  (Nervously)  No,  no,  no  can  do.  Docta 
tell  nurse  girl  maybe  he  die. 

CONSTANCE.  (To  front  of  table)  Indeed!  We'll 
see.  (Turns,  comes  face  to  face  with  Miss  DUR- 
ANT, who  enters  and  firmly  closes  the  door  behind 
'her.  The  two  women  eye  each  other  at  R.  CON- 
STANCE utters  a  little  scream  of  surprise)  Oh!  I 
wish  to  go  in  there  to  see  Mr.  Jay. 

Miss  DURANT.  (At  door  R.)  It's  quite  impos- 
sible. 

CONSTANCE.  (Backs  a  step,  almost  in  furious 
tears)  So  you're  the  nurse.  (Backs  to  front  of 
table.  Miss  DURANT  slowly  walks  to  R.  of  table  as 
the  scene  progresses) 

Miss  DURANT.     (Quietly)     I  am  the  nurse. 

CONSTANCE.    I  want  to  see  Mr.  Jay. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Moves  towards  table)  I  have 
the  doctor's  explicit  orders  that  he  is  to  see  no  one. 
If  you  will  leave  your  name  and  address  I  will  see 
that  you  are  notified  daily.  You  will  attend  to  that 
Saji?  (Starts  to  clear  table) 

SAJI.  (Anxiously,  backing  a  step)  Yes — eviy 
day — I  tell  you  evelything.  You  go  now,  missy. 

CONSTANCE.     This  is  an  outrage!     (Crosses  to 

L.    C.) 

Miss  DURANT.    It  is  a  misfortune. 

CONSTANCE.  There  isn't  a  word  of  truth — I 
knew  it 

Miss  DURANT.  (R.  of  table)  If  you  please — 
Saji,  show  this  lady  out. 

(SAji  goes  up  c.) 

SAJI.    Yes,  pleasure,  please. 

CONSTANCE.     (Crosses  to  L.  of  table)     You'll  be 


SICK  ABED  41 

sorry — (She  turns  on  Miss  DURANT)  You  went 
into  this — I  don't  care  what  they  paid  you. 

Miss  DURANT.     (Firmly)    If  you  please. 

CONSTANCE.  (Crosses  to  sofa  L.  c. — Thumping 
herself  down  on  sofa)  I  won't  go.  I'll  sit  right 
here  till  I  see  him. 

Miss  DURANT.  (To  back  of  table)  Do  you 
wish  to  submit  to  the  indignity  of  being  carried 
out? 

CONSTANCE.  You  don't  dare,  either  of  you. 
(Exits  up  c.) 

(Enter  PAT  wheeling  the  mover  in  front  of  him. 
CONSTANCE  looks  up  in  terror  and  screams, 
makes  one  bound  for  the  door  and  runs  for  it, 
The  others  look  after  her  in  amazement. 
CONSTANCE  bumps  against  PAT  who  is  upset  on 
the  floor.) 

PAT.  (Picking  himself  up)  Howly  Saints! 
She's  nutty  to!  (SAji  exits  up  c.  laughing — PAT 
throws  the  last  empty  box  which  is  up  c.  to  L.  of 
center  doors  on  the  mover) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Moves  up  R.  c.)  Saji,  lock 
the  outside  door  after  her.  (To  PAT)  Janitor 

PAT.     (c.)     Superintendant,  ma'am. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Comes  down  R.  c.)  My  mis- 
take. You  don't  have  to  move  out  anything  more, 
and  that  door  must  be  kept  closed  and  locked. 

PAT.  Yes  miss.  Sure,  Miss,  I  don't  want  them 
nuts  loose  in  me  halls  no  more  than  you.  (Exits 
up  c.) 

Miss  DURANT.  Oh!  Saji.  Will  you  get  Mr. 
Jay's  dinner  please.  (Goes  up  c.  and  closes  doors) 

SAJI.    Yes,  Miss.     (Crosses  to  down  L.  and  exit) 

JAY.    (Wheeling  himself  in  R.)    She  gone? 

Miss  DURANT.     (Crosses  back  of  table  to  down 


42  SICK  ABED 

K.  Crossing  to  bedroom  and  speaking  as  she  opens 
the  door)  She's  gone.  I'm  sure  she'd  better  see 
a  doctor.  Wait —  (JAY  turns  chair  at  door  to 
face  front)  I'll  wheel  you.  (Returns,  wheeling  JAY 
towards  c.) 

JAY.  (Settles  himself  in  chair)  Oh,  thank  good- 
ness you  got  rid  of  her! 

Miss  DURANT.  (Wheeling  JAY  to  c.)  Don't 
worry.  I'll  see  that  nobody  troubles  you.  And 
now,  how's  the  appetite — hungry? 

JAY.  (c.)  Thirsty.  (Turns  chair  c.  to  face 
front)  Oh,  I  say,  we'll  split  a  little  bottle,  won't 
we? 

Miss  DURANT.    Nurses  never  drink. 

JAY.     It  isn't  any  fun  drinking  alone. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Starts  to  turn  chair  to  c.)  But 
you're  not  having  fun,  you're  ill. 

JAY.    Oh! 

(Enter  SAJI.) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Goes  to  c.,  takes  tray  from 
SAJI  and  comes  R.  of  table,  puts  tray  down.  SAJI 
stands  back  of  table)  And  here's  your  tray. 

(JAY  moves  chair  to  L.  of  table.) 

JAY.  (c.)  This  is  too  early  for  dinner.  I  dine 
at  eight. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Arranging  tray)  You  go  to 
bed  at  eight. 

JAY.    The  deuce  I  go  to  bed  at  eight ! 

SAJI.    That  all? 

Miss  DURANT.  Mr.  Jay  may  have  a  little  cham- 
pagne. (SAJI  crosses  down  L.  Miss  DURANT 
prepares  tray  for  JAY — Saji  stops  L.,  of  tray) 

SAJI.    She  good  nurse.     (Exit  L.  i.) 

JAY.       (Wheeling    himself    up    to    L.    of    table. 


SICK  ABED  43* 

Sniffing)      Um  —  um  —  chicken  broth.     Good! 
Where's  your  plate? 

Miss  DURANT.    I  have  my  dinner  later. 

JAY.    Then  I  can't  eat!     (Wheels  back  to  up  c.) 

Miss  DURANT.  Yes  you  can  too.  Comet 
(Takes  the  spoon  and  tastes.  JAY  playfully  swings 
chair  while  being  persuaded  by  Miss  DURANT,  then 
wheels  chair  to  table) 

JAY.  (Holding  out  spoon  to  Miss  DURANT) 
Now  you  taste.  I'll  yell  if  you  don't. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Back  of  table)  Give  me  that 
spoon.  Don't  act  like  a  child.  (Comes  to  between 
table  and  JAY,  takes  spoon  from  him,  picks  up  soup) 
Now,  open  your  mouth.  There!  (Holding  spoon 
to  JAY'S  mouth)  All  the  soup — all  of  it!  QAY 
take  spoonful  and  smiling,  wheels  backwards  up  c. 
Then  forward  for  more  soup,  approaching  her  with 
open  mouth.  Repeated  four  times.  The  fourth 
time  he  starts  chair  wheeling  past  Miss  DURANT, 
taking  soup  in  his  mouth  as  he  passes  her.  Then 
wheels  to  c.) 

JAY.    Say,  Nursey,  you're  a  peach. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Returns  to  R.  of  table)  Peach? 
It's  not  on  your  diet  list. 

JAY.     Oh  yes  it  is.     The  doctors  prescribed  one. 

Miss  DURANT.     When? 

JAY.  When  they  sent  you.  I  have  to  be  hu- 
mored. 

Miss  DURANT.  Well,  what  else  am  I  doing?  I'm 
spoiling  you. 

JAY.  No,  you're  not.  What's  that — sole? 
(Wheels  chair  to  table) 

Miss  DURANT.  Nice  fresh  sole.  (SAJI  enters. 
Crosses  to  behind  table  L.)  And  here's  your  cham- 
pagne. (She  takes  a  service  tray  with  champagne 
and  two  glasses  from  SAJI.  SAJI  crosses  interest- 
edly, shrugs) 


44  SICK  ABED 

JAY.  Ah  Saji,  you're  a  good  boy.  You  knew 
•enough  to  bring  two  glasses. 

SAJI.     (Back  of  table)    Me  got  wisdom. 

JAY.  Here.  (At  table.  Extends  his  glass  to 
Nurse)  Drink  my  health !  Please! 

Miss  DURANT.    No,  Mr.  Jay. 

JAY.     But  you've  got  to,  I'm  ill.     Now  please! 

Miss  DURANT.    No,  thank  you. 

JAY.    Saji,  take  my  dinner  away.     (Backs  away) 

Miss  DURANT.    No,  Saji,  no! 

JAY.    Do  as  I  tell  you. 

Miss  DURANT.    No! 

JAY.    Yes! 

SAJI.  (Looking  at  both)  Excuse  please,  who's 
boss? 

Miss  DURANT.    I  am! 

SAJI.  Yes,  Miss.  (Laughs — SAJI  crosses  to  the 
•door  L.  JAY  turns  when  SAJI  is  at  the  door) 

JAY.    Come  here,  Saji ! 

SAJI.  She's  boss.  (Looking  at  JAY)  You  got 
new  boss.  (Laughs.  Exit  L.) 

Miss  DURANT.     Eat  your  sole. 

JAY.  (Laughs}  Eat  your  sole! — it  sounds  dev- 
ilish, doesn't  it?  (Wheels  up  to  table)  You  won't 
drink  my  health? 

Miss  DURANT.  How  can  I  when  you're  ill?  Well 
then — (She  takes  her  glass,  they  clink)  Here's  to 
your  speedy  recovery — there !  (She  sips) 

JAY.  (Dismayed,  puts  glass  down)  Speedy 
recovery?  You  want  to  get  rid  of  mer 

Miss  DURANT.  (R.  of  table)  Get  rid  of  you? 
Of  course  I  don't.  GAY  starts  to  take  her  hand. 
Miss  DURANT  moves  it  away)  But  you're  not  eat- 
ing. 

JAY.     Say  "Please,  Reggie,  for  my  sake." 

Miss  DURANT.  I  don't  know  you  well  enough 
lo  call  you  "Reggie." 


SICK  ABED  45 

JAY.  But  you're  going  to.  Besides  I'm  taking 
a  chance.  I  don't  know  a  bally  thing  about  you, 
and  here  I  am  in  your  power. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Laughs,  leans  over  towards 
him}  Well,  then,  please  Reggie,  for  my  sake,  eat 
your  sole. 

JAY.  For  you  sake,  I'd  eat  anything.  Speaking 
of  souls — tell  me  about  yourself. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Gets  chair  up  R.,  places  it  R.  of 
table,  sits  R.  of  table}  Oh  no,  let's  talk  about  you 
— wouldn't  you  rather — most  men  would. 

JAY.     No,  I'd  rather  hear  about  you. 

Miss  DURANT.     Shall  I  begin  at  the  beginning? 

JAY.     From  the  day  you  were  born 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh,  but  I'm  not  interesting. 

JAY.  Oh  yes  you  are.  Tell  me  Nursey,  why  did 
you  take  up  nursing? 

Miss  DURANT.  Well,  I  come  of  a  family  who 
for  generations  have  been  famous. 

JAY.    I  can  believe  that  all  right. 

Miss  DURANT.  Yes — famous  as  dog  lovers. 
(JAY  registers}  I  was  so  successful  with  my  fam- 
ily of  delicate  Pekingese  that  I  realized  my  talent 
for  nursing. 

JAY.     Oh,  you're  chaffing  me. 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh,  no ! 

JAY.    I  want  the  real  story. 

Miss  DURANT.  But  you  don't  think  that  was  a 
nice  story?  All  my  patients  like  it  very  much. 

JAY.  Oh  come  on,  Nursey.  Tell  me  the  real 
story.  (JAY  wheels  chair  back  up  c.  and  down 
again} 

Miss  DURANT.  Well,  if  you  insist,  my  father 
was  a  stock  broker. 

JAY.  (Slowly  eating.  To  Miss  DURANT)  Go 
on,  your  father  was  a  broker- 
Miss  DURANT.  My  father  lost  everything  in  the 


46  SICK  ABED 

world  in  the  panic.  Poor  father  couldn't  stand  pov- 
erty, so  he — beat  it.  GAY  registers  and  jerks  his 
chair')  It  was  an  awful  shock  for  there  were  six 
•of  us — all  girls — and  something  had  to  be  done. 
Mother  went  on  the  stage  with  five  of  the  girls — 
that  made  a  sextette. 

JAY.  (Throws  down  knife  and  fork}  This  is 
interesting ! 

Miss  DURANT.  But  very  sad.  So  there  was  no 
place  for  me.  I'm  not  clever.  I  can't  sing,  and  I 
can't  dance — because  I'm  knock-kneed. 

JAY.  (Registers')  Oh,  I  don't  believe  a  word  of 
it.  (Backing  away  to  c.  Miss  DURANT  laughs) 
But  you  have  got  to  tell  the  real  story.  Please ! 

Miss  DURANT.  (Rises)  The  real  story  isn't  in- 
teresting. You  wouldn't  like  it. 

JAY.  Oh  yes,  I  would.  I'd  read  the  telephone 
book  all  day  if  it  only  had  your  name  in  it. 

Miss  DURANT.  Of  course  if  you  want  a  lot  of 
characters  and  very  little  plot — Your  napkin  please. 
(Reaches  for  it.  She  starts  gathering  up  the  lunch 
things} 

JAY.    Don't  you  bother,  that's  Saji's  business. 

Miss  DURANT.     Oh,  no,  it's  the  nurse's  business. 

JAY.  Your  business  is  to  soothe  and  console  me. 
It's  your  duty. 

Miss  DURANT.  I  only  soothe  and  console  when 
on  duty,  it's  7  o'clock  now.  I'm  off  duty.  (Walk- 
ing with  tray  to  L.  i.  Exits') 

JAY.  You  can't  soothe  and  console  me  by  leav- 
ing me.  Oh  I  say.  Come  back  here!  Confound 
it,  Nursey — nursey — (Starts  after  her,  zvheeling 
furiously — She  looks  at  him  with  a  teasing  smile 
and  shuts  the  door,  when  the  door  opens,  revealing 
Miss  HEPWORTH  in  uniform.  JAY  looks  at  her, 
grabs  the  wheels  of  his  chair  and  backs  frantically 
to  c.  and  stands  up  in  chair}  Who  are  you  ? 


SICK  ABED  47 

Miss  HEPWORTH.  (To  L.  c.)  I'm  the  night 
nurse. 

JAY.  (Rising  in  his  chair)  Do  I  have  to  spend 
the  night  with  you? 

Miss  HEPWORTH.     (Puts  hands  on  hips)    Yes. 

JAY.     Good  night  nurse!      (Collapses  in  chair) 

Curtain. 

ACT  II 

SCENE:  JAY'S  bedroom.  One  week  later.  9:00  A. 
M.  JAY  is  lying  in  bed,  humped  up.  Miss  HEP- 
WORTH  is  lying  on  settee  between  the  bed  and 
the  window,  still  on  duty.  JAY'S  bed  is  a  low 
bedstead  with  low  footboard,  so  that  he  can  be 
plainly  seen.  Bottles  of  sherry,  baskets  of  fruit, 
etc.  on  table  L.  c.  JAY'S  dressing-gown  hangs 
within  reach  on  a  chair;  his  slippers  are  by  the 
bedside.  Stage  semi-dark.  Electric  stand  lamp 
lighted — at  bedside.  He  looks  at  HEPWORTH 
— gives  a  grunting  snore.  SAJI  puts  his  head  in 
at  the  door  and  reconnoiters — tip-toes  in.  HEP- 
WORTH  snores,  heavily.  JAY  turns  and  sees 
.  SAJI,  and  begins  waving  at  him  to  keep  quiet. 
SAJI  crosses  to  L.  of  HEPWORTH,  looks  at  her 
and  grins. 
JAY.  Sh !  Sh ! 

SAJI.  (Crosses  to  above  bed)  I  come  like  sil- 
ences of  night  times.  ( HEPWORTH  snores)  She  no 
wake  up.  (SAji  by  this  time  is  in  front  of  HEP- 
WORTH  ;  he  looks  forward  and  peers  at  her,  making 
an  awful  face  as  if  nauseated) 

JAY.  (Watching)  Well,  how  do  you  like  the 
sleeping  beauty? 

SAJI.  (Gesture  of  disgust — In  a  raucous  whis- 
per) My  country  we  use  'em  scare  birds  off  rice. 
(Points  at  HEP.) 


48  SICK  ABED 

JAY.  It  would.  (SAji  starts  to  go,  nearly  fall- 
tug  into  HEP)  What  did  you  come  for,  anyway? 

SAJI.  (Crosses  down)  I  got  one  terror-gram. 
(Goes  to  head  of  bed — He  hands  out  telegram) 

JAY.  You  got  a  terror-gram — well,  maybe  you're 
right.  (HEP  snores,  they  both  hang  suspended, 
afraid  that  she  will  wake.  She  gives  a  comfortable 
snort  and  settles  back.  They  sigh  simultaneously 
with  relief.  JAY  opens  the  telegram,  his  face  gath- 
ers into  a  puzzled  frown)  When  did  this  "terror- 
gram"  come? 

SAJI.    It  just  come. 

JAY.  (Reading)  "Mr.  Reginald  Jay.  This  is 
the  I7th  of  March.  Do  you  remember?  Constance." 
Now  what  does  she  mean  by  that  ?  Saj  i,  do  you  re- 
member anything  particular  that  happened  on  the 
1 7th  of  March? 

SAJI.     I  know  all  light. 

JAY.  Well,  it's  more  than  I  do — what's  the  an- 
swer? 

SAJI.     Pattlick  glet  dlunk. 

JAY.     So  it  is  !    St.  Patrick's  day  ! 

SAJI.  Patlick — Pat — grouchy  Janitor  get  dlunk. 
Make  me  much  insult. 

JAY.  (Still  more  mystified)  But  why  the  dick- 
ens should  Constance  pick  on  that? 

SAJI.    Maybe  he  make  her  insult  too. 

(HEP  stirs.) 

JAY.  Sh !  (HEP  starts,  yawns  and  wakes — JAY 
throws  himself  back  on  the  bed  and  jerks  the  covers 
over  his  head.  SAJI  falls  on  stomach  below  bed) 

Miss  HEPWORTH.  (Yawns — pulls  herself  to- 
gether. Rises,  yawns  and  moves  chairs  up  c.,  looks 
at  bed  and  thinking  JAY  asleep  crosses  to  table  and 
takes  drink.  Then  crosses  to  below  bed  and  sees 
JAY  asleep.  Crosses  to  table  for  more  drink,  then 


SICK  ABED  49 

crosses  to  SAJI)  You  again!  How  dare  yoxi  fol- 
low me  like  this !  (SAJI  crosses  to  c. — R.  c.  to  SAJI) 
You  appear  to  forget  that  this  is  a  sick  room. 
(Points  L.)  Go! 

SAJI.  (Crosses  to  door  L.)  You  make  me  sick. 
(He  starts  for  the  door  again} 

JAY.     (Weakly,  imploringly)     Saji,  don't  go. 

(SAJI  stops.) 

HEP.  Wery  well,  the  patient  must  be  humored. 
You  may  remain —  (SAJI  starts  to  cross  back)  but 
don't  come  near  me.  And  now,  Mr.  Jay — (Crosses 
to  up-side  of  bed  after  taking  pills  from  tablet  HEP 
holds  up  restraining  hand — SAJI  up  L.  c.) 

JAY.     Oh — oh — (Groans) 

HEP.  It's  time  for  your  pill.  GAY  groans  and 
dives  under  covers.  Miss  HEP  takes  pill  and  ap- 
proaches the  bed.  HEP  raises  him  with  difficulty 
to  a  sitting  posture,  revealing  a  suit  of  noisy  pa- 
jamas. She  offers  him  the  pill.  He  looks  at  her  and 
is  unable  to  take  it)  Come — come — you've  had 
an  excellent  night. 

JAY.  I  know.  I  haven't  disturbed  your  snoring 
/once. 

Miss  HEP.  Do  you  mean  to  insinuate  that  / 
slept  while  on  duty ! 

JAY.  Of  course  not — of  course  not!  How  could 
I? 

HEP.  You've  groaned  a  good  deal  but  on  the 
whole  you've  had  a  very  good  night. 

JAY.    Oh,  I  have,  have  I  ? 

HEP.  Here's  your  pill.  (Puts  pill  in  JAY'S 
mouth — JAY  tries  to  take  pill,  gets  it  stuck  in  hi* 
throat.  HEP  turns  to  SAJI)  Water!  (SAJI  picks 
up  sherry  from  table,  meanwhile  HEP  slaps  JAY  on 
back.  He  swallows  pill.  SAJI  hands  sherry  to  HEP, 


50  SICK  ABED 

She  drinks  it}  I'll  take  another  little  sip  of  this 
sherry.  It  restores  one's  strength  after  a  night  of 
nursing.  (Crosses  to  table) 

SAJI.    She  drink  like  fish. 

HEP.  (Sits  R.  of  it,  helps  herself  to  all  the 
dainties  on  table)  I  dislike  ever  to  say  anything 
when  I'm  employed  in  the  house  of  others,  but  to 
maintain  my  strength  is  my  duty !  I  had  a  most 
unsatisfactory  supper.  That  Oriental — (Points 
to  SAJI) — takes  pleasure  in  tramping  the  halls  dur- 
ing my  hours  of  sleep.  Miss  Durant  persists  in 
leaving  me  all  of  her  work  to  do. 

JAY.  (Sitting  up  and  crawling  to  foot  of  bed) 
Now,  see  here,  Miss  Hepworth,  Miss  Durant  doesn't 
do  anything  of  the  sort — it's  you — you  leave  every- 
thing for  her  to  do — and  I  wish  you'd  stop  it. 

HEP.  (Crosses  to  upside  of  bed — SAJI  crosses 
to  above  table)  Indeed!  GAY  dives  under  covers) 
So  that's  what  you  think.  (Pulls  cover  back)  I'll 
have  you  understand  that  I'm  a  decent  nurse.  (SAJI 
start  to  remove  sherry  but  is  stopped  by  HEP)  Put 
that  down!  (SAJI  puts  decanter  down — To  SAJI) 
I'm  here  to  nurse — exclusively. 

JAY.    Well,  I  wish  you  weren't  here  to  nurse  me. 

HEP.  (R.  c.  foot  of  bed)  Indeed !  I  am  only  a 
nurse  and  I  must  overlook  your  insults.  But  I 
certainly  shall  complain  to  the  physicians  of  my 
inhuman  treatment  while  here. 

JAY.  Well,  what  do  you  want  me  to  do,  give  you 
a  little  kiss? 

HEP.     (Moves  to  c.)    I  shall  give  up  the  case. 
'  JAY.    Good. 


SICK  ABED  51 

HEP.  (Turns — crosses  to  foot  of  bed)  Only 
my  duty  keeps  me  here. 

JAY.  It  is  only  the  free  lunch  that  keeps  you 
here. 

HEP.  (To  c.)  I  shall  certainly  leave  if  my 
powers  of  endurance  are  over-taxed. 

JAY.  Tax!  It's  the  first  time  I  ever  liked  that 
word.  Oh  for  heaven's  sake,  get  out  of  here  and 
let  me  lay. 

HEP.  (Crosses  to  table.  Taking  another  drink 
of  sherry)  Thank  heaven,  I  shall  be  off  duty  at 
ten  o'clock.  GAY  leans  over,  takes  large  silver 
clock  from  the  night  table,  sits  up  in  bed  and  delib- 
erately moves  the  hands  ahead,  as  Miss  HEP  smacks 
her  lips,  and  pours  more  sherry;  she  then  makes  a 
selection  of  all  the  good  things  and  places  them  in 
her  apron  pockets,  talking  all  the  while)  I  trust 
you  have  no  objection  to  my  taking  a  trifle. 

JAY.    Not  to  a  trifle. 

HEP.  This  place  is  so  badly  managed  that  I  fear 
I  shall  hardly  have  the  breakfast  that  my  hours 
of  fasting  make  necessary.  Not  that  I  ever  permit 
myself  anything  but  the  simplest  diet.  But  when 
great  responsibilities  arise  they  must  be  met  by  a 
corresponding  number  of  calories.  (Moves  to 
mirror  L.  and  powders  her  nose) 

JAY.    Isn't  she  pretty  ? 

HEP.  (Rises,  crosses  to  front  of  table)  Besides 
to  one  in  your  condition  such  foods  as  these  are  un- 
suitable. I'm  sorry  there  aren't  any  alligator  pears, 
arid  in  these  troublesome  times  I  despise  wilful 
waste.  (Puts  apple  in  pocket  and  picks  up  crumbs 
on  table  and  eats  them.  Looks  in  mirror  L.  A 
final  drink  of  sherry  quenches  her  flow  of 
language) 


52  SICK  ABED 

JAY.     (Holding  up  the  clock)   Oh  look!  It's  after 

ten  now.    You  can  go — you're  off- 
Miss  HEP.     So  it  is.     How  time  flies.     And  I 

trust  you  will  tell  your  Asiatic  menial  to  keep  away 

from  my  bedroom.     I  do  not  wish  to  be  disturbed. 

(Starts  to  go  L.) 
JAY.     (To  SAJI)     Good  Lord!    Do  you  want  to 

disturb  her? 
SAJI.    No,  no. 

(Miss  HEP  returns  to  c.) 

Miss  HEP.  And  while  I  am  speaking  of  such 
unpleasant  matters,  permit  me  also  to  add  that  the 
attitude  of  the  Hungarian  Janitor  of  this  building 
is  no  less  than  insulting. 

JAY.    What,  Pat,  too? 

HEP.  He  pays  no  attention  whatsoever  when  it 
has  been  necessary  to  call  his  attention  to  misman- 
agement. 

JAY.    What,  no  attention? 

HEP.  No  worthy  attention.  And  as  to  his  in- 
sinuations and  innuendoes — well,  I'm  a  lady — 
(Exits) 

JAY.  (Calling  after  her)  You're  a  white  house 
picket.  (Bell) 

SAJI.  Excuse  please.  Bell  ring.  (Crosses  to 
L.)  I  go  out  on  door.  (Exits) 

JAY.  And  I  go  out  on  shutter!  (Gets  out  of 
bed,  puts  on  slippers  and  dressing  gown  and  crosses 
to  table.  He  mops  his  brow,  picks  up  sherry  decan- 
ter, and  starts  to  pour,  the  bottle  is  empty.  He  looks 
at  it  critically  and  then  at  the  door)  Gee,  the  old 
girl  must  have  hollow  legs.  (A  tap  on  the  door 


SICK  ABED  53 

and  SAJI  enters.  SAJI  crosses  to  L.  of  JAY  and  L. 
of  table) 

SAJI.  Excuse  please,  Mista  Jay.  Doctors  send 
lady  massage. 

JAY.  (R.  of  SAJI)  A  lady-what?  I  don't  get 
you. 

SAJI.  Massage — she  say  Dr.  Flexner — Dr.  Wid- 
ner  send  her — make  massage 

JAY.    No,  don't  get  you. 

SAJI.  Please,  what  you  call  lady  makes  slap — 
lap.  (Pats  himself,  trying  to  make  himself  un- 
dertood) 

JAY.  (Crosses  to  bed)  Lady  massage!  Oh, 
no!  (Takes  running  jump  over  footboard  into 
bed.  Gathers  bed-clothes  about  him  for  protection) 
I  don't  want  a  massage. 

SAJI.    I  tell  her  go  'way ! 

CONSTANCE.  (Enters  veiled — Outsde,  to  SAJI) 
Go  way,  my  man — doctor's  orders.  (Pushing  SAJI 
out) 

SAJI.     (Outside)     Mista  Jay  "no  can  do." 

(CONSTANCE  crosses  to  foot   of  bed  and  pinches 
JAY'S  foot.) 

JAY.  (Looks  out  of  bed  clothes)  Constance! 
Oh,  it's  you !  How  dare  you  come  in  my  bedroom  ? 

CONSTANCE.  Now,  Reggie,  how  dare  you  try 
to  balk  me?  Of  course,  I  understand  your  loyalty 
to  John,  but  how  about  your  loyalty  to  me—  (Lean- 
ing over  bed)  Of  course  I  know  people  will  talk 
at  first,  but  isn't  it  worth  it,  in  the  end? 

JAY.  The  end!  That's  just  it — the  end — My 
finish. 

CONSTANCE.      (Crosses  down   to  lower  foot  of 


54  SICK  ABED 

bed)     Reggie,  dear,  we  must  take  a  few  chances. 

JAY.    (Widly.    Rolls  over}    Help!  Help! 

CONSTANCE.  (Going  right  on — To  upside  of 
bed)  Sh !  What  will  they  think  of  your  masseuse  ? 
And  don't  you  think  I'm  taking  my  chances,  com- 
ing here  this  way? 

JAY.     You're  taking  chances  on  me. 

CONSTANCE.  (Interrupting)  You — you're  tak- 
ing no  chances.  You're  a  man.  My  dear  boy  let 
tne  tell  you  that  I  know  all.  About  everything 
here—  (Comes  down  foot  of  bed) 

JAY.  Constance,  your  place  is  in  your  home — 
go  to  it. 

CONSTANCE.  (Sitting  on  the  bed  beside  him)  A 
real  home — yes;  Reggie,  won't  you  stop  this  silly 
pretense  of  illness,  and  be  a  witness  for  me  about 
that  time  in  Spain — with  my  husband.  There's  a 
good  Reggie-weggie — (Sits  bed  L.  of  JAY) 

JAY.  Keep  off!  Let  me  alone.  (She  places 
her  hand  on  his  brow.  He  wriggles  and  fights,  try- 
ing to  reach  his  dressing  gown.  Rises  against  head 
of  bed,  covering  himself  with  covers) 

CONSTANCE.  Don't  be  absurd.  Listen.  (She 
seats  herself  on  the  edge  of  the  bed  again.  JAY  re- 
treats to  its  exireme  limits)  Be  a  good  old  dear, 
and  help  your  little  Constance.  Don't  you  under- 
stand— it's — for  us  both — you  and  me,  Reggie. 

JAY.    (Sits  on  bed)    Oh — oh 

CONSTANCE.  Look,  Reggie—  (She  pulls  out  from 
the  bosom  of  her  dress  a  crumpled  letter)  I  was 
looking  over  your  dear  letters  last  night.  I  brought 
this  one  with  me  to-day  to  remind  you. 

JAY.      (Eagerly)      Letters — did   you   bring    *em 


SICK  ABED  55 

all?  We'll  burn  'em  right  now.  (Tries  to  grab 
letter) 

CONSTANCE.  (On  foot  of  bed)  Burn  them — 
never ! 

JAY.     I  want  to  talk  to  you  about  those  letters. 

CONSTANCE.  I  know,  you're  just  like  every  other 
man.  You  don't  want  any  woman  to  have  any  let- 
ters— I  tell  you  they  are  my  precious  souvenirs. 

JAY.  But,  Constance,  suppose — they  fell  into 
your  husband's  hands  ? 

CONSTANCE.    They  can't.    They're  perfectly  safe. 

JAY.  And  I've  busted  a  lung  trying  to  majke 
Weems  consent  to  a  reconciliation— well,  he's  got  to, 
you've  got  to,  that's  all. 

CONSTANCE.  I  don't  want  a  reconciliation  I 
Reggie — did  you  get  my  telegram  ? 

JAY.    The  one  about  Pat's  getting  drunk? 

CONSTANCE.  Pat  ?  What  are  you  talking  about  ? 
I  telegraphed  you  to  remember  the  I7th  of  March. 
Reggie,  don't  you  know  what  day  this  is? 

JAY.    Porkless  Friday. 

CONSTANCE.  To-day  is  the  anniversary  of  our 
meeting,  five  years  ago. 

JAY.  Constance,  what  makes  you  so  confound- 
edly sentimental? 

CONSTANCE.    You,  I  guess.     (Tickles  him) 

JAY.  Have  pity!  Go  away!  I'm  a  sick  man 
I  tell  you. 

CONSTANCE.  But  listen  to  this  dear,  and  you'll 
feel  better. 

JAY.    No,  no. 

CONSTANCE.  Don't  be  ashamed,  it's  not  the  least 
bit  mushy,  just  nice.  It  begins  "Just  a  year  ago," 
you  wrote  that  letter  on  the  first  anniversary  of 
our  meeting.  (She  tickles  him) 


56  SICK  ABED 

JAY.  (Starts)  Say,  now,  Constance,  you're  a 
wild  woman.  Emotion  is  bad  for  me,  honest  it  is! 

CONSTANCE.  Lovely  Dee.  It's  just  a  year  ago 
since  dear  Alice  introduced  us  to  Wonderland.  Do 
you  remember,  and  I  am  still  the  devoted  Tweedle- 
dum of  the  most  beautiful  of  Tweedledees  who  by 
her  great  clemency  lets  me  call  her  Dee-Dee. 

JAY.    Damn,  damn. 

CONSTANCE.  (Sentimental)  A  pretty  thought 
isn't  it  ? 

JAY.    Very  pretty. 

CONSTANCE.  You  always  have  such  a  beautiful 
way  of  saying  things.  (Enthusiastic)  Listen  to 
this.  Do  you  know  what  it  says  here? 

JAY.    What  does  it  say  ? 

CONSTANCE.  (Giggles)  I  don't  blame  the  Wal- 
rus for  being  jealous. 

JAY.  The  Walrus?  Why  should  a  Walrus  be 
jealous? 

CONSTANCE.  (Laughing)  Don't  you  remember 
Doctor  Macklyn  came  to  the  Alice  in  Wonderland 
Ball  all  dressed  up  like  a  Walrus? 

JAY.    Oh,  Dr.  Macktyn,  the  Walrus ! 

CONSTANCE.  He  used  to  write  me  almost  as 
pretty  letters  as  you  did. 

JAY.    Did  he? 

CONSTANCE.  And  listen — (Reading)  "But  will 
tfie  fairest  of  Dee-Dees  come  to  supper  to-night 
again?  If  so  call  me  up  at  the  office.  I'll  be  wait- 
ing with  my  poor  little  heart  right  in  the  receiver 
for  a  "yes"  from  you  to  Tweedle-Dummy. 

JAY.  Dummy.  Did  I  write  that?  Oh  my  Lord! 
This  is  awful.  I'll  swear  I  never  wrote  it,  never, 
never. 

CONSTANCE.  (Indignant)  Reggie — what's  the 
matter  with  you — are  you  mad  ? 


SICK  ABED  57 

JAY.    Mad — mad — (Catching  at  straws) 

CONSTANCE.    Hush,  be  quiet ! 

JAY.  (Pretending  madness)  You've  said  it, 
you've  said  it  yourself,  I'm  mad.  It's  Alice — it's 
the  tea-party.  I'm  the  hatter.  I'm  the  March  hare. 
You've  said  it. 

CONSTANCE.  (Rising  alarmed,  backing  c.)  Why, 
you — you  look  awful ! 

JAY.  (Waving  his  hands,  kneeling  on  bed, 
salaaming)  I  hear  bells — the  birds  are  singing. 
Ah,  Yusef,  give  me  my  trusty  chibook!  (Stands 
up  on  bed) 

CONSTANCE.  Reggie,  if  you  keep  up  this  fool- 
ishness, I  shall  get  angry — and  I  warn  you. 
(Crosses  to  foot  of  bed)  If  you  won't  testify  will- 
ingly— you'll  go  to  prison.  (Raising  R.  hand) 

JAY.  (Waving  his  hands  wildly)  Votes  for 
\vomen ! 

CONSTANCE.  Reggie — I  warn  you !  You  know 
— a  woman  scorned 

JAY.  A  woman  scorned  is  twice  shy — not  much 
she  isn't.  (Grabs  bed  covers)  Ha,  ha.  (CON- 
STANCE takes  hold  of  sheet  while  JAY  holds  bed 
spread  so  getting  them  apart.  CONSTANCE  gets  on 
bed  to  prevent  JAY  going — JAY  bounds  out  of  bed 
on  the  far  side  and  runs  towards  the  door)  Save 
me!  Save  me!  (Enter  WEENS  to  down  L.  JAY 
staggers  to  foot  of  bed  for  support} 

CONSTANCE.  My  husband!  (At  sight  of  her 
husband  gives  one  gasp,  and  ducks  down  on  bed, 
puts  sheet  to  cover  head,  then  runs  into  dressing- 
room.  Crawling  in  stooping  position,  covered  wtih 
sheet) 

WEEMS.  (To  JAY,  laughing}  Oh  Reggie,  Reg- 
gie, who's  that? 

JAY.  It's — (Looks  at  the  bathroom  and  at 
WEEM'S  and  gulps')  It's  my  massage. 


58  SICK  ABED 

WEEMS.  And  you  calling  for  help!  (Laughs) 
Great  heavens  did  she  hurt  you  as  much  as  that? 

JAY.  Something  awful,  awful,  I  tell  you,  she's 
a  huge  great  Swede. 

WEEMS.  Dear  me,  why  did  she  run  away  like 
that? 

JAY.  I  don't  know.  I'm  too  weak  for  a  mas- 
sage. 

WEEMS.  That's  all  right,  my  boy,  I'll  discharge 
her.  (He  turns  to  the  door.  JAY  holds  him  back) 

JAY.  No,  no,  don't,  she'll  hurt  you.  She's  lia- 
ble to  hit  you  on  the  head  with  a  sponge. 

WEEMS.  Oh,  I  see,  excuse  me — de  trop  eh? — 
Well  discharge  her  yourself.  (Crosses  to  c.) 
Your  affairs  are  your  affairs,  my  boy.  Thank 
goodness  I've  no  curiosity.  Oh  Reggie!  (Crosses 
to  L.  and  exit,  laughing) 

CONSTANCE.    Has  he  gone? 

JAY.     See  here,  Constance,  I'm  through. 

CONSTANCE.    Oh,  no  you're  not. 

JAY.  I'm  disgusted.  I'm  indignant.  Don't  you 
dare  to  come  here  again.  (CONSTANCE  exclaims, 
recovers.  JAY  comes  c.  WEEMS  re-enters) 

WEEMS.  Ha,  ha,  ha.  Oh  Reggie — (Sees  CON- 
STANCE— Comes  down  L.)  Constance!  So!  You're 
the  masseuse!  (CONSTANCE  below  bed  R.  clutching 
sheet,  screams,  and  covers  her  head)  And  you! 
(Turns  to  JAY  who  hops  into  bed  over  footboard) 

JAY.  (Trying  to  calm  WEEMS)  She  got  in  to 
interview  me  that  way,  honest  it  was  only  that. 
I  didn't  want  you  to  know.  I  was  afraid  you'd 
think  the  worst  as  usual.  Oh  Lord!  She  knows 
I'm  ill,  she  knows  I'm  dying —  I  told  her  so ! 

WEEMS.  You  took  a  chance  on  this  poor  sick 
boy's  life. 

CONSTANCE.    He  isn't  sick. 


SICK  ABED  S9- 

WEEMS.    You  lied  your  way  in  here 

JAY.     (Falls  on  bed}     I'm  dying ! 

CONSTANCE.  Oh,  very  well.  I  wanted  to  see 
how  far  you'd  carry — this  travesty.  Let  me  tell 
you,  I'm  not  deceived — (Throws  sheet  on  bed,  hits 
JAY)  and  now  I  shall  act! 

WEEMS.    You've  been  doing  it  all  your  life. 

CONSTANCE.    Ha ! 

WEEMS.    Ha ! 

JAY.     (Weakly)     Ha,  ha! 

CONSTANCE.  You  won't  laugh  when  the  courts 
get  through  with  you.  I  tell  you  I'm  not  deceived. 
(At  foot  of  bed) 

WEEMS.  Nor  am  I.  Don't  you  suppose  I  know 
your  motive  in  all  this  ?  Don't  you  suppose  I  know 
you've  got  an  infatuation  for  a  bandolined  tame- 
cat  parlor-snake. 

CONSTANCE.    John  Weems ! 

JAY.    Not  that ! 

WEEMS.  Yes.  You've  been  in  love  with  him  for 
years.  Do  you  suppose  you  deceive  me  ?  Where  is 
your  Tweedledum? 

(CONSTANCE  draws  herself  up  proudly.) 

JAY.  Tweedledum!  Oh!  Hop.  (Hops  back 
in  bed) 

CONSTANCE.  (Too  upset  and  surprised  at  the 
assault  to  resist)  You — you  insult  me,  sir! 
(Crosses  to  up  L.)  But  you  shall  see,  I'll  punish 
you  both.  (Turns  to  JAY)  To  think  that  I  ever 
left  my  little  white-haired  mother  for  a  great  brute 
like  you.  (Exit  CONSTANCE) 

WEEMS.  (Follows  her  up  c.  Looks  after  her. 
JAY  puts  ice-bag  on  head)  By  Jove !  Reggie,  this- 
is  too  bad — too  bad.  Never  mind,  boy,  I  shall  never 
forget  what  you've  done  for  me — never!  Who 


60  SICK  ABED 

would  dream  she'd  be  so  damned  clever  about  it — 
impersonating  a  masseuse — damned  clever  woman, 
Constance,  damned  clever.  (Turns  to  JAY)  Why 
Reginald,  what's  the  matter — you're  white  as  a 
sheet.  You  look  positively  collapsed. 

JAY.    I  am. 

WEEMS.  But  my  boy,  why,  why — I'll  get  you  a 
doctor!  (Crosses  to  up  L.  c.) 

JAY.  (Explosively)  No!  Not  a  doctor. 
(WEEMS  crosses  to  JAY,  helps  him  out  of  bed. 
Gets  out  of  bed,  balancing  ice-bag  on  his  head — 
crosses  to  R.  of  table) 

WEEMS.  (Has  helped  JAY  to  chair  R.  of  table) 
Here — sit  down. 

JAY.  Oh!  Lord!  I  never  had  such  a  turn.  I'd 
rather  hunt  lions  or  tigers  or — or  kill  harems !  Oh, 
I'm  done.  I'm  all  in.  I've  got  enough.  (Leans  on 
table — WEEMS  crosses  to  bed  and  gets  one  of  JAY'S 
slippers) 

WEEMS.    Here's  your  slipper. 

JAY.    Oh  I'm  too  sick  for  slippers. 

WEEMS.  (Having  put  one  on  JAY'S  foot)  Well 
one  will  do.  (Back  of  table)  Cheer  up!  After 
all,  there's  good  news — an  adjournment.  (WEEMS 
drinks  the  drink)  And  I've  got  copies  of  her  whip- 
persnapper's  letters. 
JAY.  (Alarmed)  Not  originals? 

WEEMS.  No,  only  copies,  but  I'm  going  to  get 
the  originals  and  when  I  do,  ah,  ah !  ( Crosses  to  R.  ) 

JAY.    I  don't  like  that  laugh. 

WEEMS.  Reginald,  do  you  know  I  have  obtained 
a  permit  to  carry  a  revolver!  (Crosses  back  to  R. 
of  JAY,  presses  revolver  against  JAY — JAY  exclaims, 
rises  and  crosses  to  L.  of  table  and  sits — Crosses 
to  K.  c.)  There 'd  be  one  Tweedledum  less  in  the 
\vor1d,  that's  all!  Tweedledum,  ha!  (Taking  out 


SICK  ABED  61 

a  typewritten  sheet — Paces  to  c.)  Do  you  know 
I  can't  understand  it  at  all !  I  can't  understand  it. 
(Crosses  back  of  table)  Constance  is  clever, 
damned  clever,  and  this — Tweedledum  of  hers  is 
an  illiterate  yokel,  his  grammar,  his  spelling,  an- 
niversary with  an  n-nannyversary ! 

JAY.     Nanniversary — ! 

WEEMS.     Listen  to  this  ! 

JAY.    No,  no,  I  don't  want  to. 

WEEMS.  Listen!  "To-day  is  the  nanniversary 
of  our  meeting.  M-e-a-t-i-n-g — meating.  Lovely 
Dee."  I  suppose  that's  short  for  Tweedledee.  "It  s 
just  a  year  ago  since  Alice  introduced  us  to  won- 
derland. Do  you  remember?  And  I  am  still  the 
devoted  Tweedledum  of  the  most  beautiful  of 
Tweedledees,  who  of  her  great  clemency  spelt  with 
aK— 

JAY.    Ought  to  be  a  L. 

WEEMS.  Lets  me  call  her  "Dee-dee!"  Oh 
Lord !  And  to  think  that  such  an  ignoramus,  such 
a  nincompoop,  should  be  a  recognized  authority! 
(Crosses  to  c.) 

JAY.  (Rises)  A — a  recognized  authority  on — 
on  what? 

WEEMS.  The  illiterate  poppin  jay.  (Crosses 
down  R.) 

JAY.    What's  he  an  authority — on? 

WEEMS.  (Steps  mysteriously  to  c.)  Do  you  re- 
member that — Macklyn — the  man  who  used  to  be 
so  in  love  with — (Darkly)  Who  is  still  in  love 
with  her? 

JAY.    The  Walrus ! 

WEEMS.    No — the  Tweedledum 

JAY.  (Relieved)  Oh,  you  think  Dr.  Macklyn 
is  Tweedledum. 

WEEMS.    Yes,  Dr.  Macklyn. 

JAY.       (Relieved — rises)       Macklyn — oh — yes — 


<62  SICK  ABED 

yes  Dr.  Macklyn — oh  yes,  of  course!  How  stupid 
of  me  and  I've  been  worrying.  (Crosses  to  L.  of 
WEEMS) 

WEEMS.     What 

JAY.  (Quickly  correcting  himself)  I  mean 
wondering  who  it  was. 

WEEMS.  Yes,  it's  one  thing  when  she  can  dis- 
grace me,  and  of  course,  she's  peeved  about  the 
Letice  Mont  joy  business,  and,  on  my  honor,  Reggie, 
I  was  a  bit  of  a  fool,  you  know.  Constance  is  a 
damn  fine  figure  of  a  woman.  Damn  fine. 
(Crosses  to  down  L.  c.)  Once  I  can  get  the  shoe 
on  the  other  foot — damn  pretty  foot  my  wife  has, 
too. 

JAY.    You  bet !    (R.  of  WEEMS) 

WEEMS.    What ! 

JAY.    That's  what  you  said. 

WEEMS.  Just  pretend  to  be  ill  a  few  days  more 
and  I  fancy  I  can  promise  the  whole  mess  will  be 
all  right. 

JAY.  (Making  a  last  effort)  Now  see  here, 
Guardy.  Can't  you  drop  this  retaliation  thing.  Just 
be  reconciled. 

WEEMS.  Why,  I'd  never  be  master  in  my  own 
house.  I  want  Constance  subdued. 

JAY.  So  do  I !  Oh  so  do  I!  (Crosses  to  bed 
—He  is  on  the  point  of  making  a  clean  breast  of 
it  but  realizes  the  danger  and  the  uselessness)  Oh, 
I'm  sinking.  Call  my  nurse.  (Crosses  to  R.) 

WEEMS.    Your  nurse.    Certainly  my  boy. 

JAY.    My  day  nurse.     (Drops  onto  bed) 

WEEMS.  Oh  Miss  Durant!  (With  a  knowing 
wink  at  foot  of  bed)  Damn  pretty  woman,  Miss 
Durant,  damn  pretty!  You're  a  lucky  dog.  (Miss 
DURANT  enters.  WEEMS  to  c.  DURANT  crosses 
and  puts  tray  from  table  L.  c.  to  table  up  L.  then 
to  c.) 


SICK  ABED  63 

WEEMS.  Oh,  good  morning,  Miss  Durant. 
(Takes  her  hand) 

Miss  DURANT.    Good  morning,  Mr.  Weems. 

JAY.  Good  morning.  Good  morning.  (Getting 
no  attention,  turns  and  says  good  morning  to  the 
pillows} 

WEEMS.  Be  gentle  to  the  patient,  he's  a  nice 
boy,  be  kind  and  tender  as  you  would  be  to  my- 
self. 

JAY.    Leave  my  nurse  alone. 

WEEMS.  (Nurse  crosses  to  R.  c.  WEEMS  crosses 
to  foot  of  bed)  All  right,  my  boy!  I'm  off.  Just 
wanted  to  tell  you  it  won't  be  long  now  before  you're 
out. 

JAY.     Thank  you. 

WEEMS.  Cheer  up — cheer  up,  my  boy.  Let  this 
be  a  lesson  to  you.  Never  write  letters,  it's  cost 
many  a  good  man  his  life.  Never  write  letters! 
(Goes  up  c.  to  L.  of  DURANT,  he  bows  deeply  and 
cocks  a  wicked  old  leer  at  her)  Miss  Durant,  good 
morning. 

Miss  DURANT.    Good  morning. 

WEEMS.     Be  kind  to  him — be  gentle — 

DURANT.     Good  morning.     (Cutting  him  off) 

WEEMS.       (Crushed)       Er  good    morning. 

(Crosses   to   door  L.,   exit  WEEMS,   sticking   head 
back  for  a  last  look  at  Miss  DURANT,  winks) 

JAY.    Oh,  I  wish  I'd  never  learned  to  write. 

DURANT.  (Cross  and  sit  down  side  of  bed) 
Dear  me !  Why  you're  trembling ! 

JAY.  Oh,  I  am.  (Holds  out  treambling  hand;  she 
takes  it)  This  one's  trembling  too.  (Holds  out 
other) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Her  hand  on  his  brow)  Ami 
your  head — ? 

JAY.     Burning ! 


64  SICK  ABED 

Miss  DURANT.  This  won't  do — this  won't  do  at 
all. 

JAY.  I'm  dying.  (Puts  his  head  on  her 
shoulder) 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh  no  you're  not. 

JAY.    Yes,  I  am. 

Miss  DURANT.    I'm  taking  care  of  you. 

JAY.    Oh! 

Miss  DURANT.    And  all  my  patients  get  well. 

JAY.  (Jealously)  Oh  do  they?  Do  you  save 
'em  all? 

Miss  DURANT.    All? 

JAY.    Do  you  have  many  men  patients  ? 

DURANT.    Oh  yes,  a  great  many. 

JAY.     Do  you  save  them  all  too. 

Miss  DURANT.     Positively  all! 

JAY.    I  think  that's  wasteful. 

Miss  DURANT.  You're  just  over-tired.  You've 
seen  too  many  people. 

JAY.    Oh,  if  you  only  knew! 

Miss  DURANT.  You  must  be  quiet.  I'm  going 
to  take  your  temperature.  (Takes  thermometer 
from  table  at  head  of  bed) 

JAY.  Are  you?  (Miss  DURANT  goes  to  bath- 
room— sings)  Beautiful  voice! 

Miss  DURANT.  (Enters  from  bathroom  with 
thermometer)  Come  now — open — your  mouth. 

JAY.  And  shut  my  eyes?  (She  takes  out  the 
thermometer,  stands  L.  of  JAY  who  sits  on  bed) 
Nursey,  you  take  it  from  me,  it's  a  lot  safer  to  keep 
your  eyes  open  and  your  mouth  shut. 

Miss  DURANT.  Not  when  you're  running  a  tem- 
perature. 

JAY.  That's  exactly  the  time  -  -  when  you're 
all  het  up. 

Miss  DURANT.    Come  now,  do  as  I  tell  you. 

JAY.    I  don't  want  to  shut  my  eyes. 


SICK  ABED  65 

Miss  DURANT.  Then  don't.  Here!  (She  holds 
out  thermometer) 

JAY.    I  want  to  look  at  you. 

Miss  DURANT.  Very  well.  (She  pops  the  ther- 
mometer into  his  mouth;  he  looks  at  her  like  a  sick 
calf — Goes  up  and  gets  chart  from  table  up  R.  and 
comes  back  to  bed,  turns  to  chart,  JAY  tries  to  see 
it)  Patient  not  allowed  to  see  his  chart.  (Holds 
chart  away  from  him) 

JAY.  (Takes  thermometer  in  and  out  of  mouth 
like  a  cigarette)  Nursey,  you  saved  my  life. 

Miss  DURANT.  That's  my  vocation,  Mr.  Jay. 
(Put ling  thermometer  back  into  his  mouth  and 
crosses  to  table  to  get  pencil.  Returns  to  bed) 

JAY.  (Mumbling  through  the  thermometer) 
Thank  heavens  I've  got  your  hour  fixed  from 
ten  to  ten.  I  can  miss  Hep  almost  altogether — sleep 
right  through  her — that's  a  comfort,  anyway. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Marks  chart  and  puts  it  up 
K.  c.)  Now  I'll  get  you  ready  for  breakfast. 

JAY.    But  I  want  my  bath. 

Miss  DURANT.  No,  the  doctor  says  a  little 
nourishment  first. 

JAY.    Oh,  Nursey! 

Miss  DURANT.  And  in  half  an  hour,  the  bath. 
(At  finish  of  this,  enter  SAJI  with  breakfast 
wagon}  Good  morning,  Saji.  {Goes  in  bathroom) 

SAJI.  (Crossing  to  c.)  Good  morning,  good 
morning,  missie 

JAY.    Ah-ha !    Saji. 

SAJI.  Nice  breakfast  for  you  Mista  Jay !  Puts 
wagon  at  down  side  of  bed. 

JAY.    What  have  you  got  there? 

SAJI.  (Foot  of  bed)  Glape  fluit,  tea,  toast  and 
scandal  egg. 

JAY.     Scandal  eggs!     (Lifts  cover  from  dish) 

SAJI.    Excuse  please,  how  you  feel  now? 


66  SICK  ABED 

JAY.    Much  worse,  Saji — how  do  you  feel? 

SAJI.     I  feel  much  worse  than  you,  Mista  Jay. 

it  foot  of  bed) 

JAY.    What's  wrong,  Saji? 

SAJI.    Very  sick,  Mista  Jay. 

JAY.    Can  I  get  you  anything  ? 

SAJJ.    Yes  please,  I  like  you  get  me  nurse. 

JAY.  Saji,  I'll  go  you  50-50.  I'll  be  sick  in  the 
day  time  and  you  can  be  sick  at  night. 

SAJI.  (With  an  awful  face)  No  thank  you.  I 
all  right  now.  (Exits  L) 

(DURANT  enters  from  bathroom.) 

DURA  NT.    Oh  what  a  nice  breakfast. 

JAY.  (Attacking  his  breakfast)  M'mmm 
Nursey  had  your  breakfast  ? 

Miss  DURANT.  Long  ago.  (Sits  foot  of  bed) 
Salt  and  pepper? 

JAY.  No.  Some  tabasco.  (DURANT  helping 
him)  Just  a  dash.  (DURANT  puts  tabasco  on 
vigorously.  Enter  SAJI)  I  said  a  dash — not  a 
splash. 

SAJI.  Flowers,  for  Mista  Jay!  (Bus.  Miss 
DURANT  rises,  crosses  to  c.  and  takes  box  of  Amer- 
ican beauties  from  SAJI.  JAY  is  all  excited  interest. 
SAJI  exits) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Opens  box  looking  for  note.  To 
back  of  table)  Oh,  Roses. 

(JAY    starts    eating    and    burns    his    mouth    with 
tobasco.) 

JAY.    Oh !     (Drinks  water) 
DURANT.    Oh,  I'm  so  sorry.    Here's  a  note,  Mr. 
Jay.    (Hands  up  note) 
JAY.    You  can  read  it ! 


SICK  ABED  67 

Miss  DURANT.  (Opens  note  and  reads)  "Angel 
child. 

JAY.    That's  me. 

Miss  DURANT.  "I  can't  bear  to  think  of  you  ill, 
perhaps  dying.  It  seems  so  strange  to  be  sending 
you  roses.  Do  try  and  get  well  and  get  back  to  our 
original  arrangement.  Your  own  Maisie." 

(SAji  enters  with  a  number  of  boxes  and  a  small 
rose  tree  in  pot.} 

JAY.  That's  a  dear  old  lady  I  used  to  buy  my 
vegetables  from. 

SAJI.  (Crosses  to  back  of  table)  More  flowers, 
Mista  Jay. 

JAY.      I   feel  like  Gallli   fnrri's  farewell 

Miaa  DXJKAIMT.  (Opens  the  box  and  read*  curil) 
"I>lue  water  lilies  from  your  heart-broken  little 
mermaid."  (Looks  at  JAY  and  smiles  knowingly) 
1  suppose  she's  the  lady  you  used  to  buy  your  fish 
from. 

JAY.  That  was  two  summers  ago.  She's  a 
slicker. 

Miss  DURANT.    And  a  rose  tree,  from  Rose. 

JAY.  Poor  little  Rose.  (Looks  at  the  rose  tree) 
She  blew  herself. 

(Enter  PAT  L.,  carrying  funeral  wreath.) 


PAT.  (Foot  of  bed)  For  the  love  o'  Mike,  Mr. 
}ay,  somebody  sent  you  a  wreath. 

JAY.    What? 

PAT.  Somebody  must  be  looking  forward  to  your 
wake. 

Miss  DURANT.  (To  L.  of  PAT — Reading  the 
card  on  funeral  wreath) 


68  SICK  ABED 

"Here  lies  Reggie,  the  champion  liar 
If  Gabriel  raised  him  he'd  go  him  higher 
He  shuffled  home  on  a  heaving  deck 
But  we  bet  he  ain't  cashed  in  no  check." 

JAY.    Not  yet. 

DURANT.  From  the  Thursday  night  Poker  Club. 
Oh.  (Crosses  to  back  of  table) 

JAY.  (Poppy-eyedly  incensed)  Nursey  you 
write  on  that  card  "He  rose  from  the  dead  for  his 
nurse's  sake.  And  is  ready  to  play  them  for  any 
stake."  Send  that  back  and  tell  them  they're  the 
dead  ones. 

PAT.  (Crosses  to  L.)  Sure  I  will,  and  we'll  not 
be  havin'  any  funerals  around  here.  It's  bad  luck 

60  it  is  and  you're  too  yovmg  to  die.  And  beggin' 
jrwui  pa  i  dun,  Mr.  Jay,  while  I'm  here,  will  you  be 
after  telling  your  night  nurse  to  keep  away  from 
me,  a  respectable  married  man  with  eight  children. 
I  don't  want — (Exits  grumbling) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Busy  fixing  flowers — Back  of 
table)  Oh  here  are  some  violets.  Mr.  Jay,  why 
they're  directed  to  me.  How  odd !  Who  can  have 
sent  them  ? 

JAY.    I  sent  them. 

Miss  DURANT.    You  didn't. 

JAY.  I  did,  and  you'll  get  a  bunch  every  morn- 
ing. (JAY  starts  to  get  out  of  bed) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crosses  to  JAY,  upside  of  bed) 
You  go  right  back  and  stay — still.  QAY  hastily 
gets  back  under  covers)  Cover  up — you  must  be 
careful.  Don't  forget  you're  ill. 

JAY.  All  right  nursey,  you're  the  boss.  What's 
the  matter,  don't  you  like  violets? 

Miss  DURANT.  Of  course.  (Picks  up  boxes  and 
takes  them  to  chair  down  L.  over  which  hangs  a 
mirror) 


SICK  ABED  69 

JAY.    Aren't  you  going  to  wear  them? 

Miss  DURANT.  Nurses  aren't  allowed  to. 
(Crosses  to  chair  L.) 

JAY.    Say,  Nursey. 

Miss  DURANT.  Yes?  (She  has  her  back  to  him, 
setting  boxes  on  chair  down  L.  at  L.) 

JAY.    Look ! 

(She  looks  in  mirror.} 

Miss  DURANT.  (Smiling  in  mirror)  I  can  see 
you  right  in  there.  (Points  to  mirror) 

JAY.  (Crawls  to  foot  of  bed)  Can  you  see  me? 
Then  look !  ( Throws  her  a  kiss.  Then  quickly  gets 
back  into  bed) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Backs  toward  him  and  turns 
smiling)  You  silly  boy!  (Crosses  to  down  side 
of  bed) 

JAY.  No,  I'm  not.  I'm  just  your  patient — 
patient.  Isn't  it  true? 

Miss  DURANT.  (Gets  chart,  and  then  crosses  to 
foot  of  bed)  Yes,  it  is  true  that  you've  been  very 
good. 

JAY.  But  I  get  awful  blue  sometimes.  (Crawl- 
inn  to  foot  of  bed) 

Miss  DURANT.  Blue — why?  (Stands  at  foot  of 
bed) 

JAY.  (Holds  her  arm)  Oh,  tired  of  everything 
—myself.  You  know,  when  I  lie  here  at  night, 
listening  to  the  honk  of  automobiles  and  the  snores 
of  Hep. 

Miss  DURANT.    Mr.  Jay! 

JAY.    It  gives  you  a  lot  to  think  about. 

Miss  DURANT.    What?    The  snore — or? 

JAY.    No,  the  silent  loneliness  of  it  all. 

Miss   DURANT.     What!     An   explorer — lonely? 

JAY.     (Draws  her  to  him)     Nursey,  did  you  ever 


70  SICK  ABED 

think  about  getting  married? 

Miss  DURANT.    Mr.  Jay!     (Moves  away  a  step) 

JAY.     What's  the  matter? 

Miss  DURANT.  (At  foot  of  bed)  You  musn't 
say  things  like  that  to  me. 

JAY.  (Kneeling  on  bed  and  talking  to  nurse  over 
foot)  Why,  what's  the  matter?  I  haven't  said 
anything  yet.  I  only  asked  you  a  question.  Now 
I'll  tell  you  a  secret.  I'm  crazy  about  you.  I  know 
it's  sudden — I've  only  known  you  a  week,  but  I 
can't  help  that — I've  been  sudden  all  my  life. 
Nursey,  will  you  marry  me? 

Miss  DURANT.    Mr.  Jay! 

JAY.    What's  the  matter? 

Miss  DURANT.  You  must  not  say  such  things  to 
me. 

JAY.  But  I've  got  to.  I  can't  help  it.  Won't 
you  please  marry  me? 

Miss  DURANT.  I  won't  listen.  Not  professional 
etiquette. 

JAY.  Why  not?  You've  got  to  hear  it  sooner 
or  later.  And,  besides,  I  want  to  make  sure  nobody 
else  can  marry  me — 

Miss  DURANT.  (With  icy  determination,  disen- 
gages herself  from  JAY'S  hold  and  he  nearly  falls 
over  foot  of  bed)  Your  bath  hour,  Mr.  Jay. 

JAY.  Now  please  don't  throw  cold  water  on  me. 
(Sinks  on  bed) 

Miss  DURANT.  But  the  doctors  will  be  here  at 
any  moment,  and  if  they  find  you  haven't  had  your 
morning  bath,  it  will  be  a  good  night  nurse  for  me. 

JAY.  Oh,  I  don't  care  for  the  doctors. — Nursey, 
won't  you  please  marry  me ?  (Gets  off  bed.  Starts 
10  embrace  her) 

Miss  DURANT.  If  you  don't  stop.  I'll  call  the 
night  nurse. 

JAY.     I'll  be  good!     (Miss  DURANT  crosses  to 


SICK  ABED  71 

c.)  Come  back!  Nursey  I  just  couldn't  live 
without  you,  please  marry  me. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crosses  L.  of  JAY  front  of  bed 
urging  him  to  bath-room  L.)  Hurry  up — water  not 
too  cold—no  shocks. 

JAY.  (Hesitating  at  the  door)  Nursey,  I  don't 
want  to  be  away  from  you  so  long. 

Miss  DURANT.  Never  mind  the  time.  Take 
plenty,  and  for  heaven's  sake  take  your  bath.  {Exit 
JAY  to  bathroom.  He  is  heard  singing  and  shiver- 
ing, splash  of  water,  etc.  Miss  DURANT  fixes  bed, 
crosses  to  table  L.  c.,  arranges  flowers.  Picks  up 
violets,  kisses  them,  places  them  in  vase  near  bed. 
Crosses  to  bathroom  door  and  knocks  on  door) 

JAY'S  VOICE.     (Off)     Hello,  who  is  it? 

Miss  DURANT.    Your  nurse! 

JAY.    Day  or  night? 

Miss  DURANT.    Day. 

JAY.    Enter.     (Starts  to  sing  again) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Knocks  at  door  again)  Mr. 
Jay,  you  mustn't  sing.  It's  too  great  a  strain  on 
your  heart. 

JAY.    I  dare  you  to  come  in  and  discipline  me. 

Miss  DURANT.  (At  door  R.  shocked)  Mr.  Jay 
— will  you  behave  yourself? 

JAY.    What  for? 

(Miss   DURANT  goes  to   table  at  bedside   and  is 
straightening  out  table,  when  FLEXNER  enters.) 

FLEXNER.     Ah  good  morning,  Nurse. 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh,  Dr.  Flexner! 

FLEXNER.  (Crosses  back  of  table  to  c.)  Well, 
how's  your  patient? 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crosses  R.  of  FLEXNER  c.)  I 
think  he's  had  a  little  set  back  this  morning. 


72  SICK  ABED 

(JAY  sings  in  bathroom} 

FLEXNER.  (Crosses  R.  of  Miss  DURANT,  gets 
chart  up  R.  c.)  Indeed.  Let  me  see  his  chart? 

(Enter  WIDNER.) 

WIDNER.  (Crosses  to  back  of  table,  puts  bag  on 
table)  Why  did  you  leave  me  to  pay  the  taxi? 
Good  morning  Nurse.  Where's  the  patient? 
(FLEXNER  crosses  to  front  of  bed,  chart  in  hand. 
To  FLEXNER) 

Miss  DURANT.     (Coming  down  c.)     In  his  bath. 

WIDNER.    Late,  isn't  it? 

Miss  DURANT.    He's  shaving. 

WIDNER.  (Crosses  to  FLEXNER)  Let  me  see 
his  chart.  (Takes  chart.  Miss  DURANT  picks  up 
flower  boxes  from  chair  L. — Enter  CHALMERS, 
Noisily) 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  table,  puts  hat 
down.  Hastily  crosses  to  FLEXNER  at  foot  of  bed) 
Oh,  Doctors ! 

FLEXNER.  (R.  c. — R.  of  CHALMERS)  How  dare 
you  burst  into  a  sick  room  like  that  ? 

CHALMERS.    Never  mind.    Where's  Jay? 

Miss  DURANT.     In  his  bath. 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  a  step  to  c.)  Oh,  well, 
I — Miss  Durant,  leave  us  for  a  moment,  if  you 
please. 

Miss  DURANT.  Certainly.  (Goes  out.  CHAL- 
M  KRS  goes  up  and  closes  door) 

WIDNER.  (Coming  down  :o  front  of  bed — WID- 
NER looking  about,  fussing  wi:h  flowers)  Why 
these  flowers  in  a  sick  room?  (Crosses  to  side  of 
bed  R.) 

FLEXNER.    (At  c.)    He  isn't  really  sick. 

WIDNER.    But  she  doesn't  know  it. 


SICK  ABED  73 

CHALMERS.  (Who  has  been  standing  by  door 
listening)  I'm  not  so  sure  about  that !  (Comes  to 
front  of  table) 

(WIDNER   down   R.    paying   no   attention,   fussing 
about  service  table  at  the  head  of  the  bed.) 

FLEXNER.  (c.)  I  understand  you've  secured  a 
postponement 

CHALMERS.     Oh,  yes,  I've  got  a  postponement. 

FLEXNER.  (c.)  Well,  you  say  it  as  if  you'd  got 
a  post  mortem. 

CHALMERS,  (c.  crosses  to  L.  of  WIDNER)  I'm 
not  so  sure  we  haven't  got  something  worse. 

WIDNER.    What — what  do  you  mean? 

CHALMERS.  (R.  of  FLEXNER)  I'm  afraid  we're 
in  bad — bad — bad.  (Paces  the  floor  nervously  up 
and  down  c.) 

WIDNER.    Why?    What's  happened? 

FLEXNER.  Am  I  to  understand  that  we  are — 
er — in — difficulties  ? 

CHALMERS.  Difficulties — ha!  We're  in  a  hell  of 
a  hole,  that's  where  we  are.  (Goes  up  R.  c.) 

WIDNER.    But  how?    But  what? 

CHALMERS.  (Savagely,  coming  down  to  foot  of 
bed)  Mrs.  Weems  has  secured  a  court  order  to 
have  your  patient  examined,  that's  what.  (CHAL- 
MERS up  L.,  WIDNER  foot  of  bed) 

WIDNER.  Examine  the  patient!  (Sinks  on  foot 
of  bed.  JAY  sings) 

FLEXNER.    (Sits  R.  of  table)    Good  Lord ! 

CHALMERS.  (Crossing  to  L.)  Exactly.  Oh,  you 
can  wager  she's  been  well  advised. 

FLEXNER.  (Rises)  But  she  must  have  shown 
justifiable  suspicion  of  fraud  before  she  could  get 
such  an  order ! 

CHALMERS.    She  did ! 


74  SICK  ABED 

FLEXNER.    She  did  ? 

CHALMERS.  (L.  of  table}  She  says  there's  a 
plot.  She  claims  she  can  prove  that  his  charts  show 
no  deviation  from  the  normal. 

FLEXNER.  (L.  c.)  His  charts!  How  could  she 
know  about  his  charts.  (Waiving  the  idea  away, 
goes  up  c.) 

CHALMERS.  Mrs.  Weems'  lawyers  know  every- 
thing --  what  he  eats,  drinks,  what  he  says — and 
they've  been  as  jolly  well  right  as  if  they  lived  right 
here  in  these  rooms.  Someone  in  this  house  has 
been  giving  information  to  Mrs.  Weems.  There's 
a  spy  in  the  house  and  it  must  be  Miss  Durant. 
(Crosses  to  c.) 

WIDNER.    Miss  Durant.     (Sits  foot  of  bed) 

CHALMERS.    Yes,  Miss  Durant. 

FLEXNER.    Are  you  sure  it's  Miss  Durant? 

CHALMERS.  I'm  positive,  and  furthermore  do  you 
know  that  it's  Dr.  Macklyn  Mrs.  Weems  has  had 
appointed  to  make  the  examination. 

WIDNER.    Dr.  Robert  Macklyn?    (Rises') 

CHALMERS.  Yes,  Macklyn,  he's  been  in  love  with 
Mrs.  Weems  for  years. 

FLEXNER.  What  has  that  to  do  with  Miss 
Durant  ? 

CHALMERS.  Miss  Durant  was  one  of  Macklyn's 
nurses.  She's  got  to  go,  and  she's  got  to  get  out  of 
here  before  he  comes. 

WIDNER.  (Crossing  to  R.  of  FLEXNER  for  sup- 
port) I  knew  it !  I  knew  it !  I  had  a  premoni- 
tion! 

FLEXNER.    Then  of  course,  she's  got  to  go. 

CHALMERS.  (Crossing  to  R.  of  WIDNER — Com- 
ing down  R.)  Yes.  (Crosses  to  R.  c.)  This  situ- 
ation has  gotten  beyond  all  of  us. 

WIDNER.  (Goes  up  c. — Crosses  to  c.)  Oh,  oh, 
I  felt  it.  I  felt  it. 


SICK  ABED  75 

FLEXNER.    When  is  he  coming? 

CHALMERS.    To-morrow  at  three. 

WIDNER.  (As  JAY  sings,  FLEXNER  front  of 
table)  To-morrow  Flexner,  at  three! 

WIDNER.  There's  nothing  for  it,  we've  got  to 
make  him  sick.  (Leads  CHALMERS  R.  and  FLEXNER 
L.  of  him  to  L.  c.) 

CHALMERS.    Yes. 

FLEXNER.    Exactly  what  I  was  going  to  suggest. 

WIDNER.    What'll  we  use? 

CHALMERS.  (Grabs  WIDNER'S  arm  and  turns 
him  toward  him)  Germs,  medicine.  Anything. 

WIDNER.  (To  FLEXNER)  He'll  never  stand  up 
to  it. 

CHALMERS.  You'd  better  hurry.  (Turns  WID- 
NER to  him) 

FLEXNER.  (WIDNER  R.  of  table)  We  must  get 
to  work  immediately.  (Turns  WIDNER  to  him. 
CHALMERS  goes  back  of  table  to  L.) 

WIDNER.  Oh!  Do  you  realize  that  this  makes 
us  guilty  of  conspiracy? 

(FLEXNER  goes  up  to  table  up  L.  and  takes  drink) 

CHALMERS.  I  do —  and  we've  got  to  conspire  till 
he's  half  dead.  But  first,  I'm  going  to  discharge 
Miss  Durant  and  get  her  off  the  premises  before  she 
finds  out  this  too.  I'll  be  right  back.  (Exit  CHAL- 
MERS up  L.) 

FLEXNER.  (Comes  to  L.  of  table}  Dr.  Widner 
you  have  your  emergency  case? 

WIDNER.  (Back  of  table}  Yes,  indeed.  For- 
tunately it  has  just  been  refilled.  (WIDNER  comes 
to  R.  of  table.  FLEXNER  to  L. — Takes  out  assort- 
ment of  dangerous  looking  surgical  instruments, 
puts  them  on  table.  WIDNER  holding  up  blue  phial. 
smiling}  This  will  give  extreme  griping  pains,  and 


76  SICK  ABED 

it  produces  extreme  pallor.  (Pours  some  medicine 
into  measuring  glass) 

FLEXNER.  (L.  of  table,  taking  another  bottle)  I 
would  suggest  Bella-donna  in  the  eyes.  The  dila- 
tion of  the  pupils  gives  a  strained  expression  and 
will  produce  naturally  the  symptoms  of  imperfect 
visron  due  to  extreme  mental  debility. 

WIDNER.  If  we  had  a  little  more  time  we  could 
innoculate  him  with  some  pernicious — germ. 

FLEXNER.  That's  what  we  should  have  done  in 
the  first  place;  by  now  he  would  have  had  a  nice 
case  of  chicken  pox  or  German  measles. 

WIDNER.  German  nothing.  He  ought  to  have 
good  American  hives.  (Another  bottle)  Ah,  here 
we  have  it — Cannabis — indica 

FLEXNER.  Indian  hemp,  hasheesh.  Excellent. 
Now,  if  we  could  only  induce  him  to  take  this  in 
combination  with  that.  (He  shows  WIDNER  a  bot- 
tle, WIDNER  smiles  delightedly. — Pours  a  few  drops 
from  it  into  measuring  glass) 

WIDNER.  Yes,  yes.  Cannabis  has  a  bitter  taste. 
He  will  call  for  water. 

FLEXNER.  (Goes  up  to  table  L.,  pours  water  into 
f/lass  and  brings  it  to  WIDNER.  WIDNER  puts  some 
pills  into  glass)  Of  course,  of  course.  Hand  it  to 
him  and  then  such  results. 

WIDNER.  I'll  dissolve  a  few  of  these.  (He 
takes  the  glass  of  water  and  dissolves  the  pills  and 
puts  it  on  table)  Ah — and  whatever  you  do  don't 
forget  your  thermometer — that  always  registers  one 
hundred  and  four. 

FLEXNER.    It  never  leaves  me. 

WIDNER.  Well,  that  insures  his  temperature 
anyway.  (Sits  R.  of  table) 

FLEXNER.  Sh!  Here  he  comes  (Goes  up  c. 
Sound  of  yodel.  Enter  JAY — pink  and  shining,  he 
yodels  up  to  WIDNER) 


SICK  ABED  77 

JAY.     (c.)  Good  Lord,  what  a  bunch  of  crepe. 

WIDNER.    This  is  no  time  for  asinine  quips. 

JAY.    Oh  isn't  it? 

FLEXNER.  (Comes  to  L.  of  JAY)  Let  me  tell 
you  something  that  will  spoil  some  of  your  pep 
Mrs.  Weems  has  secured  a  court  order  to  have  you 
examined  by  a  strickly  neutral  physician ! 

JAY.    No! 

FLEXNER.  Claiming  she  has  evidence  that  you're 
as  sound  as  a  dollar. 

JAY.    No ! 

WIDNER.  And  since  we  can't  refuse  to  have  you 
examined  we  have  got  to  make  you  something 
worth  examining. 

JAY.  Make  me  something  worth  examining? 
(Crosses  to  R.  of  WIDNER)  What  do  you  mean? 

FLEXNER.  Make  you  a  patient,  that's  what. 
(Taps  JAY  on  shoulder} 

JAY.  Do  you  mean,  make  me  sick!  (Crosses  R. 
of  WIDNER) 

WIDNER.     Yes. 

JAY.     Not  on  your  life. 

WIDNER.  You  don't  think  you  can  get  by  like 
that,  do  you  ?  There's  nothing  else  for  it. 

JAY.    I  tell  you  flat  I  won't. 

WIDNER.  Don't  you  know  that  we  will  all  be 
guilty,  it's  perjury,  it's  conspiracy,  it's  all  our  repu- 
tations! ( WIDNER  grows  apoplectic  and  unable  to 
speak  further  subsides  in  chair  R.  of  table') 

FLEXNER.    Yes  and  your  freedom  too — 

JAY.  Say — count  me  out!  I  didn't  bargin  for 
this.  (Crosses  to  R.  c.) 

FLEXNER.  Don't  forget  where  your  guardian 
stands  in  all  this,  it  will  be  the  worse  for  him. 

JAY.     (R.  of  FLEXNER)     By  jove  so  it  will! 

FLEXNER.  It's  absolutely  imperative  that  you  be 
genuinely  ill — 


;8  SICK  ABED 

JAY.    Can't  I  just  pretend  to  faint? 

FLEXNER.  This  is  no  time  for  anything  but  facts. 
( Passes  JAY  to  L.  of  him  and  WIDNER  forces  him  to 
chair  R.  of  table)  How  about  his  heart?  (Crosses 
io  back  of  table) 

WIDNER.  (Sounds  wrong  side.  Listening  R., 
then  thumps.  FLEXNER  moves  WIDNER'S  hand  to 
i..  side.) 

FLEXNER.  Heart — over  this  side.  He's  got  a 
heart  like  a  bull. 

WIDNER.  Oh,  pardon  me,  my  mistake.  (R.  of 
JAY) 

JAY.    He  knows  where  it  is. 

(FLEXNER  pours  a  spoonful  of  medicine.) 

FLEXNER.  Give  him  this  right  now.  (Hands 
WIDNER  spoonful  of  medicine) 

JAY.    I'll  be  hanged  if  I  will. 

WIDNER.  Come,  come,  be  a  man.  (As  JAY  ex- 
/•  >stulates,  WIDNER  puts  the  dose  in  JAY'S  mouth) 

JAY.  Woo — that's  bitter!  Give  me  some  water 
(  FI.EXNER  goes  up  L.  for  water,  turning,  sees  JAY 
lias  drunk  the  dosed  water — JAY  grabs  the  dosed 
nlass  of  water  which  he  gulps  greedily)  Woof — 
;shat  a  relief!  What  a  relief  ! 

FLEXNER.  (Rubbing  his  hands)  You  will  find 
it  so — to-morrow — (Come  L.  of  table) 

JAY.     (Rising)     What — you  dosed  that — 

WIDNER.     Only  a  little,  pardonable  camouflage. 

FLEXNER.  (Hands  JAY  pills)  Come  on  now, 
take  these,  they  won't  hurt  you. 

(JAY  takes  pills  in  hand  and  throws  them  away  as 
he  crosses  to  R.  c.) 

WIDNER.     (To  L.  of  JAY)     And  these  powders 


SICK  ABED  79 

every  two  hours  during  the  night. 

JAY.     (Takes  powder  box}     Suppose  I'm  asleep ? 

WIDNER.     You  won't  sleep.     (Crosses  to  L.  c.) 

FLEXNER.  (Crosses  to  upside  of  bed)  I  think 
the  necessity  of  quick  action  suggests  a  double  dose 
of  this. 

JAY.  (Gels  on  bed  and  takes  fencing  mask  from 
chair — above  bed)  I  will  not — oh — (Puts  on  fenc- 
ing mask)  Why  didn't  I  think  of  that  before. 
Nothing  doing.  I'm  muzzled. 

FLEXNER.  Don't  be  silly — in  a  serious  situation 
like  this.  Widner  hold  him  while  I  give  him  this. 

JAY.  Safety  first!  (He  bounds  out  of  bed  and 
dashes  into  bathroom,  slamming  the  door.  WIDNER 
starts  after  him  carrying  surgical  forcepts  but  is  in- 
terrupted by  CHALMERS'  entrance  L.  CHALMERS 
I/lances  quickly  around  the  room  and  motions  the 
Doctors) 

CHALMERS.  (Crossing  tj  up  c.)  Oh,  doctors, 
she's  going 

WIDNER.     (At  head  of  bed)     Without  any  fuss? 

CHALMERS.  Miss  Durant  is  the  spy,  she's  been 
giving  information  to  Mrs.  Weems  and  I  fired 
her. 

FLEXNER.  (R.  of  CHALMERS)  Did  you  tell  her 
anything? 

CHALMERS.     Of  course  not.     It  isn't  necessary 

( WIDNER    crosses    to    foot    of    bed — Enter    Miss 
DURANT.) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Comes  down  L.  of  table)  Dr. 
Widner,  may  I  speak  to  you? 

CHALMERS.    Miss  Durant — 

Miss  DURANT.  Dr.  Widner — (She  sees  JAY  is 
not  in  the  room  and  advances  firmly)  Mr.  Chal- 
mers tells  me  that  my  services  aer  no  longer  desired, 


8o  SICK  ABED 

but  as  you,  Dr.  Widner,  retained  me — I  can't  of 
course  recognize  Mr.  Chalmers'  authority. 

WIDNER.    Oh,  dear — I  felt  it 

FLEXNER.  Mr.  Chalmers  is  quite  correct.  We 
have  decided  to  release  you  from  the  case. 

Miss  DURANT.  Oh,  I'm  sorry  if  I  haven't  given 
satisfaction. 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  to  door — opens  it)  Kindly 
leave  at  once — (He  throws  open  the  door  as  JAY 
vpens  bathroom  door  and  overhears  the  last) 

JAY.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  window)  What's  that? 
Chalmers,  what  are  you  saying? 

Miss  DURANT.  Good-bye,  Mr.  Jay.  I  am  leav- 
ing the  case. 

JAY.  Leaving  the  case!  Who  says  you're  leav- 
ing the  case? 

FLEXNER.     (A  step  to  R.)     We — have  decided — 

JAY.  And  I  decide  that  she  shan't — oh,  nursey — 
it  isn't  anything  that  I've  done,  is  it?  Have  I 
offended  you? 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crosses  to  c.  to  L.  of  JAY) 
No,  no,  you  haven't,  you  couldn't. 

WIDNER.  Oh,  Lord,  I  knew  it.  I  felt  it! 
(Crosses  to  L.  of  table  and  sits) 

CHALMERS.  (Above  table)  Miss  Durant,  will 
you  kndly  not  linger?  This  is  most  unprofessional. 

Miss  DURANT.    What  is  unprofessional? 

CHALMERS.  Your  coming  back  when  you  have 
been  discharged.  (Comes  down  L.) 

JAY.    Don't  you  dare  to  talk  to  her  like  that. 

Miss  DURANT.  I  couldn't  leave  Mr.  Jay  with- 
out one  word  of  thanks  for  all  his  kindness  and 
courtesy.  I'm  sure  if  there  has  been  unprofes- 
sional conduct,  Mr.  Chalmers,  it  is  not  mine ! 

JAY.  There's  something  here  I  don't  understand. 
What's  the  answer? 


SICK  ABED  81 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  to  JAY)  The  doctors  have 
decided 

JAY.  (Brushes  him  aside  as  he  crosses  to  R.  of 
DURANT)  I'm  asking  her,  not  you.  Nursey,  tell 
me 

Miss  DURANT.  I'm  sorry,  Mr.  Jay,  but  I'm  told 
to  go  and  I  must — go. 

JAY.  (Holding  DURANT'S  arm)  Very  well 
then  if  you  go,  I'll  go  with  you  right  out  just  as  I 
am. 

FLEXNER.    Oh ! 

Miss  DURANT.    Please,  Mr.  Jay. 

JAY.  (To  CHALMERS)  Chalmers,  the  truth — 
come  across  with  it. 

CHALMERS.  (At  foot  of  bed)  Well,  if  you  will 
have  it — somebody  in  this  house  is  a  traitor.  Sell- 
ing us  out. 

Miss  DURANT.     Mr.  Chalmers! 

JAY.  Are  you  accusing  Miss  Durant  of  being  a 
spy? 

CHALMERS.  I  don't  accuse  anybody,  but  she 
leaves. 

Miss  DURANT.  Mr.  Jay — I  couldn't  and  wouldn't 
do  anything  to  hurt  you  in  any  way,  I  hope  you 
know  that. 

JAY.  I  do.  (To  CHALMERS)  Don't  you  dare 
mix  her  up  in  this — this  is  my  affair — leave  her  out 
of  it. 

CHALMERS.  It's  our  affair — Flexner's,  Wid- 
ner's 

WIDNER.  (Alarmed)  Don't  bring  me  into  it. 
(Crosses  up  to  L.  of  FLEXNER,  back  of  table} 

CHALMERS.    Yes,  mine  and  others,  too ! 

JAY.  Oh,  it  is  You  think  she's  a  spy,  do  you? 
Now  I'm  going  to  show  you  the  kind  of  confidence 
I've  placed  in  Miss  Durant.  Nursey,  here's  the 
story.  I'm  perfectly  well.  I'm  shamming  sick  with 


82  SICK  ABED 

the  help  of  that  lawyer  and  those  doctors  because 
1  don't  want  to  give  evidence  in  a  divorce  case.  The 
whole  thing  is  a  fraud,  a  conspiracy.  Now  there's 
the  truth  and  nothing  but  the  truth,  so  help  me  God. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Taking  JAY'S  R.  hand)  Mr. 
lay!  (A  pause — while  she  looks  at  him)  I  ap- 
preciate your  trusting  me,  like  this.  (She  turns 
pleadingly  to  the  doctors.  Crosses  to  R.  of  table}' 
I  Oh, — please,  let  me  stay  on  the  case,  and  I'll 
do  everything  I  can  to  help  you. 

JAY.  (A  step  to  DURANT — Takes  DURANT'S 
hand")  You  will?  Nursey,  you're  a — you're  a 
brick.  (Enter  SAJI,  R. — Crosses  to  table  at  bed  and 
looks  at  chart,  picks  it  up. — JAY,  furiously  to 
CHALMERS)  Now  you'll  apologize  to  Miss  Durant 
-  -all  of  you ! 

CHALMERS.  Apologize?  I  will  not.  (Crosses 
down  L.) 

JAY.  (Moving  to  R. — sharply  to  SAJI) — Saji! 
What  are  you  doing  there? 

SAJI.  Me?  I  look  your  sick  chart,  Mista  Jay. 
I  gotta  telephone  Misses  Weems.  (Crosses  to  c.) 

ALL    Mrs.  Weems ! 

SAJI.  Sure.  She  come  first  day  you  get  sick, 
Mista  Jay.  Nurse-girl  tell  her,  walk  right  out, 
quick!  If  she  wants  know  how  Mista  Jay  is — me 
let  her  know  on  telephone.  Misses  Weems  she  give 
me  ten  dolla.  I  let  her  know  evely  day  on  tele- 
phone. (Crosses  front  of  table  and  exits — carry- 
ing chart) 

JAY.  (Falls  on  bed — WIDNER  sits  R.  of  table — 
FLEXNEH  back  of  table)  Good  God! 

I  WTDNER  walks  around  in  a  small  circle,  c. — then 
sits  R.  of  table — head  in  hands.) 

ALL.    Oh! 


SICK  ABED  83 

Miss  DURANT.    Good  gracious ! 

CHALMERS.  (L.  of  table}  Miss  Durant,  I 
apologize. 

Mrss  DCNANT.  It  was  all  my  fault.  I  thought 
she  vv.is  some  relative.  I  didn't  know.  Oh,  I  hope 
it  hasn't  ruined  everything.  (Crosses  to  foot  of 
bed]  Is  she — is  she — the  case? 

JAY.  (Crawls  to  foot  of  bed)  If  you  don't  pro- 
tect me  from  :hat  sentimental  vampire — she'll  marry 
me.  (Sits  bed) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Suddenly  aware  of  a  new  in- 
terest in  JAY)  Marry  you!  (She  looks  puzzled  at 
the  others)  I  don't  understand. 

JAY.     Divorce • 

Miss  DURANT.    Divorce ! 

CHALMERS.  Yes,  she  wants  to  be  rid  of  her 
husband. 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh,  indeed ! 

(  I-  I.EXNER  crosses  to  R.  of  table,  above  WIDNER.) 

JAY.  So  those  quacks  filled  me  full  of  dope  to 
make  me  sick  enough  for  Dr.  Macklyn's  examina- 
tion to-morrow — ? 

Miss  DURANT.  (c.)  Dr.  Macklyn — Dr.  Robert 
Macklyn? 

CHALMERS.     (Sadly)     Yes. 

JAY.     (Jealously)     Do  you  know  him? 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh,  very  well. 

JAY.    Eh! 

Miss  DURANT.  We— I  mean — I've  nursed  for 
him 

JAY.      Oh,   you've   nursed   for  him — (Relieved) 

Miss  DURANT.  But  wh — y — why  are  you  call- 
ing him  in?  (To  WIDNER — Crossing  a  step  to 
table) 


84  SICK  ABED 

WIDNER.  (Sits  R.  of  table)  Calling  him  in? 
Oh,  ray  God ! 

FLEXNER.  Unfortunately — he  isn't  called  in — 
he's  brought  in.  (Crosses  to  back  of  bed) 

CHALMERS.     (To  Nurse)     Understand? 

FLEXNER.    And  he  comes  to-morrow  at  three. 

CHALMERS.  Dr.  Macklyn's  been  in  love  with  Mrs. 
Weems  for  years. 

Miss  DURANT.  (c.)  Yes,  I  know.  I've  heard 
all  that. 

JAY.    Oh,  nursey,  I'm  going  to  be  so  ill. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Looking  at  JAY,  then  crosses  to 
WIDNER,  anxiously)  Oh — what  have  you  done  to 
him? 

WIDNER.     (Meaningly)     Everything. 

Miss  DURANT.  (To  FLEXNER)  And  you  say 
that  Dr.  Macklyn  is  coming  to-morrow  at  three? 

CHALMERS.     (Moves  up  L.)     Yes. 

FLEXNER.  And  he  will  diagnose  a  very  sick 
man. 

(Enter  SAJI  upside  of  bed.) 

SAJI.  (Crosses  to  c.  L.  of  DURANT)  Excuse, 
please — a  gentlleman  to  see  Mr.  Jay. 

(Miss  DURANT  takes  card,  glances  at  it.) 

Miss  DURANT.    Oh — oh ! 

JAY.    Nursey- -nursey — what's  happened? 

(Miss  DURANT  in  high  excitement.) 

Miss  DURANT.     They've  sprung  him  to-day  in- 
stead of  to-morrow. 
ALL.    Who? 
Miss  DURANT.    Dr.  Macklyn !    He's  here  now. 


SICK  ABED  85 

JAY.    What! 

CHALMERS.     No ! 

FLEXNER.    It's  impossible ! 

WIDNER.     We're  ruined! 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crossing  quickly  to  JAY)  They 
notified  us  he  was  coming  to-morrow,  so  they  could 
fool  us  to-day. 

JAY.    Oh,  nursey,  what'll  we  do 

CHALMERS.  I'll  be  disbarred.  (Crosses  up  and 
down  L.  agitated) 

WIDNER.  (Rises — crosses  to  foot  of  bed) 
There's  nothing  else  for  it,  he's  got  to  frame  a 
blank ! 

FLEXNER.  (Moves  to  upside  foot  of  bed)  That's 
it — amnesia — loss  of  identity. 

(CHALMERS  crosses  to  door.) 

WIDNER.  (Apoplectic  with  excitement)  De- 
lusions, hallucinations.  Come — come — we've  got  to 
go  through  with  it — be  brave.  Don't  get  excited, 
Flexner- — (Becomes  speechless  with  excitement — 
grows  red  in  face  and  is  about  to  collapse.  FLEX- 
.\  KR  comes  L.  of  him,  loosens  his  collar,  and  ruffles 
Iris  hair — DURANT  R.  of  him,  supporting  him) 

CHALMERS.  Sh!  Here  he  comes — (Crosses 
to  c.— Miss  DURANT  crosses  down  R.  quickly — 
FLEXNER  supporting  WIDNER  who  is  utterly  col- 
lapsed, and  dishevelled,  collar  undone  and  hair  on 
end — At  upside  foot  of  bed  WIDNER  R.  of  FLEX- 
XF.R — -Door  opens  admitting  DR.  MACKLYN,  CON- 
STANCE and  POLICEMAN. — DR.  MACKLYN  advances 
slowly  and  seriously  to  c. ) 

MACKLYN.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  table,  puts  case 
doivn  and  starts  to  take  off  gloves)  Gentlemen. 
(  Hows  gravely) 

Miss  DURANT.     Good  morning,  Dr.  Macklyn. 


86  SICK  ABED 

DR.  MACKLYN.  (R.  of  table)  Ah,  Miss  Durant, 
I  see  the  patient  is  in  competent  hands. 

Miss  DURANT.    Thank  you,  Dr.  Macklyn. 

CONSTANCE.  (L.  of  table)  Now  we'll  see  if  he 
really  is  ill  or  not. 

DR.  MACKLYN.  Mrs.  Weems,  I  shall  have  to  ask 
you  to  wait  in  the  other  room. 

CONSTANCE.    Oh,  very  well.    (Exit) 

MACKLYN.  (Turns  to  the  OFFICER)  Officer,  it 
will  not  be  necessary  for  you  to  remain  in  the  room. 
If  it  is  necessary  to  make  the  arrest — (All  regis- 
ter) I  will  notify  you. 

POLICEMAN.    (Touching  his  hat)    Yes,  sir. 

MACKLYN.    You  may  wait  outside  the  door. 

POLICEMAN.    Yes,  sir.     (Exits) 

CHALMERS.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  table — recovering 
himself  after  an  anxious  glance  at  the  policeman) 
Oh,  Dr.  Macklyn,  may  I  introduce  myself?  Chal- 
mers, Mr.  Weems'  attorney. 

MACKLYN.     (Haughtily)     Mr.  Chalmers. 

CHALMERS.  (Indicating  WIDNER  and  FLEXNER) 
These  gentlemen  I  think  you  know,  Dr.  Flexner  and 
Dr.  Widner. 

(FLEXNER  and  WIDNER  come  forward  a  step  side 
by  side — extending  hands.) 

MACKLYN.  (With  scorn  for  the  small — ignoring 
them)  Have  not  had  that  privilege.  (Gravely — 
WIDNER  and  FLEXNER  bow  expressly  to  MACKLYN'S 
stiff  nod — and  scared,  slowly  back  to  former  posi- 
tions) 

WIDNER.  We  are  honored.  (Both  back  together 
to  former  position  and  shakes  hands  with  each 
other) 

CHALMERS.  I  understand  you  have  been  ap- 
pointed by  the  Court.  Nevertheless,  I  must  protest. 


SICK  ABED  87 

MACKLVN.  I  am  sorry  to  intrude,  but  I  have  no 
alternative.  My  authority — (Produces  document} 

CHALMERS.  (To  MACKLYN)  But  I  want  it  to 
go  on  record — Mr.  Jay  is  too  ill. 

MACKLYN.  (Looks  at  WIDNER  and  FLEXNER) 
I  am  the  best  judge  of  that.  Mr.  Chalmers,  I  must 
ask  you  to  retire. 

CHALMERS.     Certainly — (Exit) 

MACKLYN.  Dr.  Flexner,  will  you  close  the 
door? 

(FLEXNER  starts  to  go  L. — WIDNER  holds  on  to 
coat-tail.  FLEXNER  sharply  disengages  his 
grasp — Crosses  to  D.  and  exit) 

MACKLYN.  Now,  I — (Turns  and  sees  WIDNER 
shaking  with  fright  and  smiling  a  sickly  grin  at 
him)  Where  may  I  wash  my  hands? 

WIDNER.  This  way,  please.  Hot  or  cold? 
(Hardly  able  to  speak — crossing  down  R.) 

MACKLYN.  (Crossing  to  bathroom  R.)  Will  you 
get  the  patient  ready,  Nurse? 

Miss  DURANT.  Yes,  doctor.  (Puts  chair  c. — 
MACKLYN  and  WIDNER  exit  down  R.)  Come,  Mr. 
Jay — (JAY  gets  out  of  bed — DURANT  crosses  to 
him  and  helps)  Sit  there — 

JAY.  (Sitting  in  chair  c.)  Stand  close  to  me, 
Nursey,  stand  close  to  me. 

Miss  DURANT.  (R.  of  JAY — spreads  bed  cover 
over  JAY'S  knees)  Sh,  sh! 

JAY.  (Grasping  her  hands)  Say,  let  me  hold 
your  hands. 

Miss  DURANT.     No,  I'm  going  to  need  them. 

JAY.  May  I  have  a  glass  of  water?  (DURANT 
crosses  to  table  R. — gets  water-pitcher  and  glass, 
crosses  to  JAY  and  hands  him  water) 

Miss  DURANT.     (To  JAY,  as  JAY  drinks)    When 


88  SICK  ABED 

I  pinch  you,  look  at  me. 

JAY  You  don't  have  to  pinch  me  to  make  me 
look  at  you. 

Miss  DURANT.    Remember,  and  follow  my  lead. 

JAY.  I'd  follow  you  to  the  end  of  the  world. 
(Miss  DURANT  crosses  back  of  JAY  to  table  L.  c. 
and  places  pitcher  and  glass  on  it)  Oh,  nursey, 
whenever  you  look  at  me,  my  heart  jumps  a  mile. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crossing  back  to  R.  of  JAY) 
Honest  ? 

(Enter  MACKLYN  and  WIDNER  from  R.  i.) 

MACKLYN.     Is  the  patient  ready,  Miss  Durant? 
Miss  DURANT.    Yes,  doctor. 

(MACKLYN  crosses  to  L.  c.  followed  close  by  WID- 
NER who  collides  with  MACKLYN  when  he 
s^opsf  the  edges  to  L.  and  collapses  into  arm- 
chair down  L.) 

MACKLYN.  How  long  have  you  been  on  the 
case? 

Miss  DURANT.  From  the  beginning.  About  a 
week. 

MACKLYN.    Is  there  a  night  nurse? 

(JAY  groans) 

Miss  DURANT.  Yes,  Miss  Hepworth,  Presby- 
terian Hospital.  Would  you  like  to  see  the  charts? 

MACKLYN.  (R.  of  table)  No,  I  shall  use  my 
own  judgment.  (Looks  critically  and  disapprov- 
ingly at  JAY)  H'm ! 

FT.EXNER.  (Coming  down  R.  of  MACKLYN)  As 
I  explained,  Dr.  Macklyn,  the  hysterical  features  ot 
the  case  are  marked — (Taps  JAY'S  knee  which 


SICK  ABED  89 

causes  JAY  to  kick)  His  reactions  are  of  a  spas- 
modic nature.  His  delusions  produce  digressive 
motor  phenomena.  (Backs  up  back  of  table) 

MACKLYN.  (Paying  no  attention,  moves  to  L.  of 
JAY)  Body  seems  well-nourished — a  trifle  flabby 
perhaps. 

WIDNER.  (L.  of  table — gasping)  Defective  vis- 
ion, expansion  and  contraction  of  the  retina — the 
cynus  congested. 

MACKLYN.  That  may  have  various  causes.  I 
observe  a  certain  assymetry  of  cranial  formation 
common  in  defectives — heart  action? 

WIDNER.  (Panting)  Like  a  bull — (Angry  look 
from  FLEXNER — Hastily)  Oh,  er — sinking  spells 
at  irregular  intervals. 

MACKLYN.  Hm!  Thyroid  secretion,  perhaps — 
ometimes  responsible  for  ego-mania — Appetite? 

Miss  DURANT.  None — we  cannot  induce  him 
to  eat.  (Points  to  tray.  MACKLYN  peers  at  tray) 

MACKLYN.  Bad  teeth,  probably — what  stimu- 
lants? He  looks  to  me  like  a  man  who  has  con- 
tinually over-stimulated.  I  will  take  the  patient's 
temperature. 

(  WIDNER  rises  and  goes  up  to  L.  of  FLEXNER  and 
nudges  him.  FLEXNER  offers  his  thermometer 
that  registers  104  degrees.) 

FLEXNER.  Permit  me,  may  I  offer  you  my  ther- 
mometer? (Back  of  table) 

MACKLYN.  (Looks  at  him  and  takes  his  own 
from  pocket)  Thank  you,  I  always  use  my  own. 

(FLEXNER  and  WIDNER  register  dismay.  DURANT 
crosses  to  tray  and  gets  tabasco.  DURANT 
gently  crosses  to  R.  of  JAY  carrying  tobasco  be- 
hind her.  MACKLYN,  with  back  to  JAY,  pre- 


90  SICK  ABED 

paring  thermometer — JAY  has  been  watching, 
fascina.ed  by  fright — Miss  DURANT  sidles 
along,  pinches  JAY — JAY  turn  and  opens  his 
mouth.  She  deluges  him  with  tabasco,  with 
one  wild  shriek  of  pain,  doctors  look  on  aston- 
ished. FLEXNER  crosses  behind  JAY.  DURANT 
R.  of  JAY,  trying  to  pacify  him.  WIDNER  leans 
against  FLEXNER  for  support.  FLEXNER  trying 
to  hold  JAY  still) 

MACKLYN.     Curious,  very  curious. 
WIDNER.    One  of  his  spasms.    Not  quite  as  vio- 
lent as  usual,  very — (Panting)   difficult  to  control. 

(They  hang  over  JAY  who  gasps  and  inarticularly 
tries  to  talk.) 

MACKLYN.  (Very  calm  as  one  used  to  such 
cases)  Sounds  like  delirium.  Can  you  hold  him 
while  I  take  his  temperature? 

Miss  DURANT.  (With  hypnotic  gentleness)  Mr. 
Jay,  you  must  be  quiet  in  order  to  enable  Dr.  Mack- 
lyn  to  take  your  temperature. 

MACKLYN.    Do  these  attacks  occur  often? 

WiixNER.  Very  frequent — periodical,  oh.  (Nearly 
expires) 

FLEXNER.  He's  quieter  now.  (Crosses  to  back 
of  table,  WIDNER  to  L.  of  it) 

(MACKLYN  inserts  the  thermometer  in  JAY'S  mouth 
and  opens  his  watch-case  to  note  time.  All  are 
giving  up  hope.  Miss  DURANT  takes  ice  bowl 
from  tray,  picks  up  piece  of  ice,  pinches  JAY, 
who  again  obediently  turns  his  head  and  opens 
mouth.  She  pops  the  piece  of  ice  into  JAY'S 
mouth  and  replaces  thermometer.  He  with 
cheeks  bulging  looks  at  her,  while  she  cauti- 


SICK  ABED  91 

ously  removes  ice  bowl  out  of  sight,  under  bed. 
MACKLYN  takes  thermometer  out  of  JAY'S 
mouth  and  looks  at  it.  Starts.  FLEXNER  and 
WIDNER  hang  to  each  other  hopelessly.) 

MACKLYN.  Why,  it  can't  be.  It's  impossible. 
The  patient  has  no  temperature.  He  ought  to  be 
dead.  (Crosses  to  L.  DOCTORS  exchange  wonder- 
ing looks) 

FLEXNER.  Exceptional  case,  very  —  unpre- 
cedented. (  WIDNER  and  FLEXNER  register  amaze- 
ment. MACKLYN  takes  JAY'S  hand,  feels  his  head) 

MACKLYN.  Dear  me,  dear  me,  I  must  test  the 
heart.  (Turns  to  his  bag)  My  stethescope.  A 
chair  Dr.  (MACKLYN  opens  bag,  takes  out  a  stethe- 
scope. WIDNER  throws  up  his  hands  helplessly. 
FLEXNER  moves  a  chair  to  L.  of  JAY.  Then  moves 
to  front  of  chair  L.  of  table  and  nearly  expires. 
FLEXNER  grabs  hold  of  WIDNER.  MACKLYN  set- 
tles the  stethescope,  attaches  the  ear  pieces  and 
leans  over  JAY,  looking  down.  His  head  nods  as  he 
counts  the  steady,  even  beats  of  JAY'S  heart  with 
finger — Miss  DURANT  takes  JAY'S  chin  in  her  hands 
and  lifts  his  face,  and  kisses  him  full  on  the  mouth. 
JAY'S  faces  is  a  study  of  emotion.  His  heart  has 
jumped  wildly.  MACKLYN'S  eyes  widen  with 
horror,  he  cannot  believe  his  ears,  and  his  finger 
counts  furiously  the  quick  beats.  His  face  shows 
serious  alarm,  rises  quickly  as  he  takes  down  and 
folds  the  stethescope) 

MACKLYN.  (Rises,  alarmed  and  facing  front) 
My  God,  what  a  heart !  (Bus.) 

(  WIDNER  expires,  flops  back  against  FLEXNER,  who 
falls  back  into  chair  L.  of  table,  with  WIDNER 
on  his  knees.) 

Curtain. 


92  SICK  ABED 

ACT  III 

SCENE:  Miss  DURANT  alone.  Fixing  bed,  Crosses 
down  R.,  rings  bell,  goes  to  foot  of  bed  picks 
up  ice  bowl,  puts  it  on  table  up  R.  SAJI  enters 
cautiously,  stands  holding  door.} 

SAJI.    You  ring? 

Miss  DURANT.  (Up  R.  c.)  Saji,  go  tell  Mr.  Jay 
to  hurry. 

SAJI.    Yes,  missie.     (Crosses  to  R.  c.) 

Miss  DURANT.  Tell  me,  Saji,  when  you  came 
through  what  were  the  Doctors  saying?  What  were 
they  doir.f;  ? 

SAJI.  Oh  they  talk,  talk,  talk,  awful!  All  talk! 
Nobody  know  what  they  talk  about.  All  same 
Holshevicki.  (Crosses  to  down  R.) 

Miss  DURANT.  (A  step  to  down  c.)  Oh  dear, 
I'm  so  afraid. 

SAJI.     Me  too.    I  awful  sick! 

Miss  DURANT.    What's  the  matter  with  you? 

SAJI.    Nervous  population.     (Exits} 

( /inter  JAY  from  dressing-room  R.     Miss  DURANT 
crosses  to  door  L.  and  listens.} 

JAY.      (Crosses  to   c.)      Nursey  come  here — 
(She  crosses  to  him)    Please  pinch  me  again. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  JAY)  Sssh — 
don't  be  silly ! 

JAY.  (Tries  to  hold  her)  Oh  don't  pull  away 
from  me. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Looking  to  L.)  Oh  dear,  what 
— are  the  doctors  saying  there? 

JAY.  I  don't  care  what  the  doctors  are  saying — 
1  don't  care  if  I'm  dying — you  kissed  me! 

Miss  DURANT.     I?    What!    Oh,  Mr.  Jay! 


SICK  ABED  93 

JAY.    You  don't  deny  it? 

DURANT.  Oh  dear  now  you  have  got  an  hallu- 
cination. Doctor  Macklyn  will  be  furious  if  he  finds 
out  I've  tricked  him. 

JAY.  Oh  but  it  was  such  a  beautiful  trick.  Talk 
about  your  magic ! 

Miss  DURANT.  You'd  better  not  talk — we're  not 
out  of  the  woods  yet. 

JAY.  But  I  want  to  be  in  the  woods,  a  jug  of 
wine,  a  loaf  and  thou  beside  me!  Kissing  in  the 
wilderness. 

DURANT.    You  mean  singing  in  the  wilderness — 

JAY.  Well,  you  can  do  the  singing  and  I'll  do  the 
kissing.  Don't  you  know,  my  darling  nurse,  that 
I  love  you,  I  love  you,  I  love  you 

Miss  DURANT.  Now  isn't  it  too  bad !  You  were 
getting  on  so  nicely.  And  now  you're  delirious. 

JAY.  Delirious  !  Deliriously  happy !  (She  turns 
her  head  and  looks  at  him)  No  wonder  my  old 
heart  jumped  when  you  kissed  me. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Door  L.  starts  to  open)  Sh — 
sh — someone's  coming! 

(Enter  MACKLYN  L.) 

MACKLYN.  (Goes  down  L;)  Miss  Durant,  will 
you  kindly  assist  Dr.  Flexner.  Dr.  Widner  has 
fainted. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Obedient,  but  terrified  to  leave 
JAY  alone  with  MACKLYN)  Yes,  yes,  doctor,  but — 
(Hesitates) 

MACKLYN.  Quickly,  please — (Crosses  to  front 
of  table  L.  c.)  I  wish  to  further  question  the 
patient. 

Miss  DUKANT.     Yes,  doctor.     (Crosses  to  door) 

MACK  YN.  Oh,  Miss  Durant — tell  Dr.  Flexner 
we  will  continue  the  consultation  here  when  Mr. 


94  SICK  ABED 

\\  idner  comes  to.  (Turns  to  JAY.  Behind  MACK- 
LYN'S  back  Miss  DURANT  shakes  a  warning  finger 
at  JAY  and  exits.  MACKLYN  advances  to  JAY,  who 
looks  at  him  resentfully.  He  sees  JAY'S  expression, 
turns  to  Miss  DURANT  who  quickly  tries  to  cover 
up  her  signs  to  JAY) 

Miss  DURANT.    Yes,  doctor.     (Exits) 

JAY.  (At  end  of  bed)  Look  here.  /  haven't 
i-oine  too,  either. 

MACKLYN.  (Crosses  to  c.)  It  is  necessary  to 
learn  the  cause  of  your  palpitation. 

JAY.  The  cause?  Of  my  palpitation?  Why,  I 
just  palp. 

MACKLYN.  May  I  ask  what  sensations  lead  up  to 
it? 

JAY.     Sensations !    That  would  be  telling. 

MACKLYN.    But  I  want  you  to  tell  me. 

JAY.     They're  perfectly  indescribable. 

MACKLYN.     Please  be  explicit. 

JAY.     Well,  after  that  I  became  unconscious. 

MACKLYN.  That  fit!  How  did  you  feel  before 
you  became  violent? 

JAY.  Oh,  awful !  Intense,  burning,  stinging- 
pain — Phew,  I  can  taste  it  yet! 

MACKLYN.  (Turning  sharply)  You  tasted  the 
ht? 

JAY.     I  did,  I  tasted  it  all  over. 

MACKLYN.  And  your  lack  of  temperature,  what 
caused  that  ? 

JAY.    Cold.    Exceedingly  ice  cold  cold. 

MACKLYN.    This  is  no  time  for  flippancy. 

JAY.  I  won't  be  badgered  like  this.  My  nurse 
says  I've  had  an  hallucination  and  that's  all  there 
is  to  it. 

MACKLYN.  Your  nurse  says  you've  had  an  hal- 
lucination, eh?  Of  what  nature? 

JAY.    A  blonde  hallucination,  in  heavenly  blue. 


SICK  ABED  95 

MACKLYN.  Good  God!  (MACKLYN  has  been 
standing  near  table  L.  c.  He  picks  up  the  bottle 
marked  Cannabis  Indica.  Starts,  looks  sharply  at 
JAY)  What's  this?  (Crosses  to  table  L.  c.  picking 
up  the  bottle)  Indian  hemp,  hey?  A  very  singu- 
lar prescription.  The  nurse  may  be  right  about 
\our  hallucination. 

(Enter  Miss  DURANT  L.) 

Miss  DURANT.  Dr.  Macklyn,  Dr.  Widner  Has 
partially  revived. 

MACKLYN.  Good!  Let  him  come  in.  (Crosses 
iip  c.  with  bottle  in  hand} 

Miss  DURANT.  (Going  to  door  and  speaking 
through}  Dr.  Flexner,  will  you  bring  Dr.  Widner? 

MACKLYN.  Miss  Durant,  kindly  accompany  Mr. 
Jay  to  his  dressing-room.  He  cannot  be  present 
while  his  case  is  under  discussion. 


(Miss  DURANT  crosses  to  L.  of  JAY.) 

JAY.  I  won't  be  ordered  out.  If  this  is  my 
autopsy,  I'm  going  to  attend  it. 

MACKLYN.  Then  I  wash  my  hands  of  any  shock 
that  may  result. 

JAY.  Wash  whatever  you  like,  but  I  sit  here. 
( Sits  foot  of  bed) 

Miss  DURANT.  No,  no,  you  mustn't!  Come, 
Mr.  Jay! 

MACKLYN.  Miss  Durant  will  assist  you — kindly 
get 

Miss  DURANT.    Please,  Mr.  Jay.     (Urging  him) 

JAY.  Oh,  very  well,  if  Miss  Durant  will  assist 
me — (He  rises  and  they  cross  to  the  dressing-room 
door)  Now  don't  you  pinch  me  again,  Nursey,  un- 


96  SICK  ABED 

less  you  mean  it.  (They  exit  dressing-room — En- 
ter WIDNER  and  FLEXNER) 

MACKLYN.  And  now,  gentlemen,  I  find  this  bot- 
tle of  Hashsheech  on  Mr.  Jay's  table — (Holding 
up  bottle.  Crosses  to  c.)  What  is  the  meaning 
of  this? 

WIDNER.  Oh,  why  did  I  ever  get  into  this? 
(Sits  chair  R.  o  table.  FLEXNER  to  back  of  table, 
WIDNER  to  chair  R.  of  table,  sits) 

MACKLYN.    What  about  this?    Answer  me. 

FLEXNER.  (c.  to  L.  of  MACKLYN)  That?  I 
never  saw  it  before.  It  is  doubtless  some  drug  Mr. 
Jay  is  in  the  habit  of  taking 

MACKLYN.     Nonsense ! 

WIDNER.    Oh,  that !    It's  mine 

MACKLYN.  Yours  ?  Then  that  accounts  for  your 
hallucination 

WIDNER.     What  hallucination? 

MACKLYN.  Thinking  that  you  are  a  doctor— 
(MACKLYN  crosses  to  back  of  table  and  puts  bottle 
down  c.)  Dr.  Flexner,  are  you  familiar  with  Mr. 
Jay's  general  condition?  You  are  his  regular  phy- 
sician, I  presume? 

FLEXNER.  I  never  attended  him  before. 

MACKLYN.    And  you,  Dr.  Widner — ? 

WIDNER.    He's  new  to  me. 

MACKLYN.  (To  c.)  Indeed!  Then  what  made 
you  take  the  case? 

WIDNER.    Five  Thousand  Dollars. 

MACKLYN.  (Turns  to  WIDNER,  sharply)  Five 
Thousand  Dollars  ? 

FLEXNER.  (Covering  the  break — Rises,  touches 
WIDNER'S  head  and  seeing  MACKLYN'S  gaze  turned 
away  pushes  WIDNER'S  head  to  wake  him  up  to  his 
slip)  He  is  still  er — light-headed — from  his  faint. 
It  was  an  emergency  call,  Dr.  Macklyn. 

MACKLYN.     Who  called  you  in,  Dr.  Widner? 


SICK  ABED  97 

FLEXNER.  Mr.  Chalmers  was  with  him  when  he 
was  stricken — 

MACKLYN.    How  was  he  stricken? 

FLEXNER.  Um— the  same  thing,  only  different. 
(Sits) 

MACKLYN.  That's  very  clear.  And  what  did  you 
give  him? 

WIDNEK.     Nervous  prostration. 

(FLEXNER  kicks  WIDNER  under  the  table.) 

MACKLYN.  (Turning  quickly  on  WIDNER)  You 
prescribed — what  ? 

FLEXNER.  He  means — (Half  rising) — we  pre- 
scribed for  nervous  prostration  and  fits. 

MACKLYN.  Well?  And  what  did  you  give  him, 
Dr.  Flexner? 

FLEXNER.  I  gave  him  a  sedative.  Dr.  Widner 
prescribed  for  the  fit.  Dr.  Widner  is  a  specialist  on 
fits,  he  has  fits  himself. 

MACKLYN.  (Moving  to  R.  c.)  I  can  readily  un- 
derstand that.  Do  these  attacks  occur  frequently? 

FLEXNER.    Before  and  after  meals. 

WIDNER.     Excuse  me,  after  and  before  meals. 

MACKLYN.  (Pacing  up  c.)  Are  they  always  so 
exhausting? 

FLEXNER.  Very.  That's  what  throws  him  into 
the  low.  The  carburretor  needs  adjusting.  The 
spark  plug — 

MACKLYN.  (Coming  down  c.)  Dr.  Flexner,  this 
is  a  consultation,  not  a. garage. 

WIDNER.    Wake  up,  it's   you  who's  light-headed ! 

FLEXNER.  Pardon  me — (Rises)  a  slight  con- 
fusion as  to  terms — but  the  diagnosis  stands. 

MACKLYN.  (To  R.  c.)  But  his  heart,  gentlemen, 
his  heart — it  beat  perfectly,  was  normal,  steady,  full 
— then  wild,  fluttering,  leaping,  my  God,  how  it 


98  SICK  ABED 

leaped !    I  wish  I  had  him  in  a  hospital,  I'd  operate! 

WIDNER  and  FLEXNER.  Operate?  (FLEXNER 
sits) 

MACKLYN.  I  mean,  place  him  under  observation. 
( Crosses  to  R.  c. )  A  most  unaccountable  heart  I 

CONSTANCE.  (Rushing  in,  from  the  sitting  room) 
Unaccountable  heart!  I'll  account  for  his  heart. 
(Crosses  to  c.  to  DR.  MACKLYN)  I've  got  to  see 
you  alone,  and  I'll  account  for  his  heart ! 

WIDNER.  (Half  rising,  CONSTANCE  turns  on 
WIDNER  and  he  sits  again)  Be  calm,  dear  lady ! 

FLEXNER.  Mrs.  Weems,  this  is  a  consultation. 
(Back  of  table  to  L.  of  CONSTANCE) 

CONSTANCE,  (c.)  I  don't  care  if  it  is,  you're  a 
fool !  You're  all  fools !  Send  those  idiots  away — 
you're  my  doctor,  Bobby.  (Crosses  to  down  R.  c. 
to  L.  of  MACKLYN)  /  brought  you  into  this!  If 
you  don't  send  them  out,  I'll  scream ! 

WIDNER.  (Rises,  crosses  to  c.)  Before  scream- 
ing— 

CONSTANCE.  (Moving  again  angrily  to  WIDNER) 
Oh,  take  that  kewpie  out  of  here  before  I  step  on 
him. 

WIDNER.  Dear,  dear,  dear,  dear!  (Retreats  to 
L.  and  exits  with  FLEXNER) 

CONSTANCE.  (Crosses  to  front  of  bed  to  R.) 
Now,  where  is  she?  That  horrid,  hateful,  thing! 
I  wish  I'd  run  in  and  scratched  her  eyes  out  right 
then,  I  do! 

MACKLYN.  (R.  c.  to  L.  of  CONSTANCE)  Be  calm, 
be  calm,  what  is  all  this? 

CONSTANCE.  (At  R.  of  MACKLYN)  I  ran  down- 
stairs, to  telephone  my  lawyers — and  I  couldn't  get 
them  and  I  ran  all  the  way  back. 

MACKLYN.     But  why? 

CONSTANCE.     Never  mind!     Where  is  she? 


SICK  ABED  99 

MACKLYN.  My  dear  girl,  you  are  positively  in- 
coherent. 

CONSTANCE.  Why  wouldn't  I  be  incoherent  and 
she  kissing  him? 

MACKLYN.  Come  now,  don't  give  away  to 
nerves ! 

CONSTANCE.  Nerves  ?  Ha !  She's  got  the  nerve. 
Who  is  that  nurse? 

MACKLYN.    What  nurse? 

CONSTANCE.    That  yellow-headed  Easter  chicken ! 

MACKLYN.    You  mean  Miss  Durant? 

CONSTANCE.    Yes,  who  is  she? 

MACKLYN.  She  used  to  be  one  of  my  specials. 
(Crosses  to  c.) 

CONSTANCE.  Does  she  kiss  you  too?  (Follows 
him  to  c.  * 

MACKIAN  (Turns)  What  are  you  talking 
about? 

CONSTANCE,  (c.  R.  of  MACKLYN)  Talking?  I 
saw  her  do  it !  I  was  standing  outside  that  door ! 
and  I  looked  through  that  very  keyhole,  and  I 
saw- 

MACKLYN.    You  saw  what? 

CONSTANCE.  You,  listening  to  his  heart — he  sat 
right  here — you  using  your  stethescope.  And  that 
nurse  kissed  him — right  on  the  mouth.  And  he 
jumped — and  you  jumped  and  you  said  "My  God, 
what  a  heart !" 

MACKJ.YN.  Oh!  (Crosses  to  L.)  You  mean — 
while  I  was  listening  to  his  heart — she — kissed  him? 
(Crosses  back  to  L.  of  CONSTANCE) 

CONSTANCE.     She  did— she  did ! 

MACKLYN.    Are  you  sure? 
.M  STANCE.     Positive ! 

MA<  KT.VN.  So,  that's  what  gave  him  palpita- 
tion! (A  step  to  L.) 

CONSTANCE.     Discharge  that  nurse!     Wretched, 


ioo  SICK  ABED 

little  blondine  trickster!     Are  you  going  to  allow 
it?    (Moves  towards  door  R.) 

MACKLYN.  Certainly  not!  They  can't  make 
game  of  me  like  that!  (Crosses  up  c.) 

CONSTANCE.  Then  what  are  you  waiting  forr 
Go  right  in  and  discharge  her. 

MACKLYN.  (Turning  on  CONSTANCE.  Crosses  to 
end  of  bed  to  L.  of  her)  But  see  here,  Constance, 
suppose  she  did  kiss  him,  what's  that  to  you? 

CONSTANCE.  (At  foot  of  bed)  It's  an  insult  to 
all  womanhood,  that's  what  it  is ! 

MACKLYN.    Then  why  do  you  resent  it? 

CONSTANCE.      I    mean — she's    a    trained    nurse. 

MACKLYN.    Well,  they're  human,  aren't  they  ? 

CONSTANCE.  You  call  an  exhibition  like  that  hu- 
man? 

MACKLYN.     Now  Constance,  what  is  he  to  you? 

CONSTANCE.  He's — he's  my  witness — and  he's, 
shamming  sick — to  get  kissed  by  a  trained  nurse, 
and  you  let  her  fool  you — but  /  won't  let  him  fool 
me — never ! !  (  Crosses  to  L.  c. ) 

MACKLYN.  You  won't  let  him  fool  you.  What 
about  ? 

CONSTANCE.  /'//  show  her  she  can't  come  in  and 
snatch  him  like  that!  /'//  show  her! 

MACKLYN.  You'll  show  her?  (Enter  Miss 
DURANT  and  JAY  R.)  Very  well.  Ah,  Miss  Durant, 
you're  just  in  time.  Now  the  quickest  way  to  get 
to  the  bottom  of  this  is  to  let  me  hear  you  show  her. 
(Miss  DURANT  to  -foot  of  bed.  JAY  R.  of  her. 
MACKLYN  crosses —  opens  dressing  room  door — At 
sight  of  Miss  DURANT,  CONSTANCE  flies  into  a 
passion} 

CONSTANCE.  Very  well.  So!  There  you  are! 
Just  let  me  tell  you,  I  saw  you!  Kissing  Mr.  Jay 


SICK  ABED  101 

—when  he  was  perfectly  helpless  and  couldn't  de- 
fend himself ! 

(Miss  DURANT  gives  terrified  look  at  MACKLYN 
who  watches  them  all  grimly.) 


Miss  DURANT.    Kissing  Mr.  Jay ! 

JAY.  Constance,  you're  a  pest!  (Crosses  to  R. 
of  her)  I've  ordered  you  out  of  this  house  a  dozen 
times.  If  you  think  you're  going  to  come  back  and 
make  trouble  for  Miss  Durant,  I  tell  you  right  now 
I  won't  have  it. 

CONSTANCE.  If  she  thinks  she  can  win  you  over 
like  that  /'//  show  her  who  has  a  prior  claim. 

Miss  DURANT.    What  do  you  mean,  prior  claim? 

JAY.     Now  you  leave  her  alone  and  me  alone. 

CONSTANCE.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  JAY)  I  don't  care, 
T  won't  have  her  coming  between  us.  I  won't ! 

JAY.  Between  us  nothing!  Can't  a  fellow  even 
dare  be  polite  to  you,  without  all  this  silly  non- 
sense ? 

CONSTANCE.  Silly  nonsense!  So,  that's  what 
you  call  it!  Now  I  will  show  her! 

MACKLYN.    Show  her  what? 

CONSTANCE.    I'll  go  and  get  the  letters. 

MACKLYN.    My  letters? 

CONSTANCE.     No,  Mr.  Jay's  letters. 

MACKLYN.  (Goes  up  c.  relieved)  Oh,  that's 
different ! 

(  CONSTANCE  crosses  to  door  L.    JAY  crosses  to  L.  of 
Miss  DURANT.) 

CONSTANCE.  Wait  till  I  get  back  with  those  let- 
ters and  then.  Bobby,  you  bounce  her  and  bounce 
her  hard !  (Exits  slamming  door) 


102  SICK  ABED 

(MACKLYN  comes  down  to  L.  of  JAY,  looking  after 
CONSTANCE.) 

MACKLYN.    So  there  have  been  letters,  eh? 

JAY.  (Trying  to  square  himself  with  MACKLYN) 
Look  here,  Dr.  Macklyn,  that  girl's  beside  herself. 
You  can't  believe  a  word  she  says. 

MACKLYN.  I  have  reason  to  believe  some  things 
she  says. 

JAY.     No,  you  casnot  believe  one  thing! 

MACKLYN.  (Crossing  as  he  speaks  to  sitting 
room  door)  I've  learned  a  number  of  things,  but 
here's  one  for  you  to  learn,  Mr.  Jay,  you  can't  make 
game  of  Science  and  the  Law,  and  get  away  with  it  r 
Hven  if  you  do  qualify  as  a  sick  Romeo!  You've 
elected  to  be  sick,  now  you're  going  to  go  through 
with  it  and  all  the  way  through.  (Crosses  to  door 
and  opens  it) 

JAY.    Oh  nursey,  nursey,  save  me! 

MACKLYN.     (Opening  door  L.)     Gentlemen! 

(Enter  WIDNER  and  FLEXNER.  WIDNER  comes 
down  and  catches  sight  of  his  face  in  mirror 
and  is  shocked  at  his  appearance.) 

MACKLYN.  It's  all  right,  doctor,  it's  only  your 
face. 

(  WIDNER  sits  armchair  L.    FLEXNER  to  L.  of  table. ) 

Miss  DURANT.  (Following  him)  Doctor,  let  me 
explain !  Really,  you're  under  a  misapprehension. 

MACKLYN.  I'm  under  no  misapprehension  now. 
The  patient  cannot  remain  here.  He  will  be  re- 
moved to  a  hospital  at  once !  Where  he  will  be 
placed  under  my  personal  observation.  And  under 
the  care  of  a  competent  doctor. 


SICK  ABED  103 

FLEXNER.    Meaning — ? 

MACKLYN.  Precisely,  and  a  specially  trained 
nurse. 

DURA  NT.    Oh ! 

JAY.  I  tell  you  flat  I  won't  go.  I'm  a  perfectly 
sound,  healthy  man,  and  I  will  not  be  separated 
from  my  nurse.  (Crosses  to  c.) 

MACKLYN.    You  will  go  and  you're  going  now ! 

FLEXNER.    I  protest !    I  protest ! 

WIDNER.  You're  right,  but  I  don't  agree  with 
you! 

FLEXNER.  I'll  make  a  statement:  this  is  nervous 
prostration.  This  excitement  may  kill  him. 

WIDNER.    I  hope  so! 

MACKLYN.    May  I  use  your  phone. 

JAY.    What  for? 

MACKLYN.  Call  the  ambulance.  (Goes  up  to 
phone  up  R.) 

ALL.     The  ambulance! 

( WIDNER  rises  and  crosses  up  to  side  of  FLEXNER.) 

MACKLYN.  Certainly  he  goes  to  the  hospital  at 
once.  Immediately ! 

Miss  DURANT.  (Following  up  to  L.  of  MACK- 
LYN) Before  you  give  that  call,  Dr.  Macklyn,  let 
me  have  a  word  with  you  in  private. 

MACKLYN.     There's  no  time  now,  Miss  Durant. 

Miss  DURANT.  But  there  must  be  time.  Dr. 
Macklyn,  as  nurse  in  this  case  I  insist  on  being 
heard. 

MACKLYN.     Very  well. 

Miss  DURANT.  (A  step  to  c.)  Gentlemen,  will 
you  excuse  us,  please?  It  is  a  professional  matter. 

FLEXNER.  We  are  ordered  around  like  a  couple 
of  flunkeys.  (Exit  FLEXNER  and  WIDNER) 


104  SICK  ABED 

Miss  DURANT.  Mr.  Jay,  will  you  please  leave 
us?  (Crosses  to  JAY  at  R.) 

(MACKLYN  comes  down  c.) 

JAY.     I  don't  trust  that  man,  he's  too  slick. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Urging  him  to  go)  You  can 
trust  me,  please  go. 

JAY.  I'll  trust  you,  and  I'll  go.  But  I'll  return, 
;md  when  I  return — well,  I'll  return.  (Exits) 

MACKLYN.    Now,  Miss  Durant. 

Miss  DURANT.  (Crosses  to  foot  of  bed)  Dr. 
Macklyn,  when  I've  nursed  for  you,  you've  been 
good  enough  to  commend  me. 

MACKLYN.  Up  till  now,  yes.  But  this  time 
you've  failed  me.  I  granted  you  this  interview,  not 
because  of  anything  you  want  to  say  to  me,  but  for 
what  I  want  to  say  to  you. 

Miss  DURANT.    But  Doctor — ! 

MACKLYN.  Not  only  did  you  betray  a  sacred 
tiust  but  you  exposed  me  personally  to  professional 
ridicule.  And  for  this  I  could  have  you  black- 
listed in  every  hospital,  and  nurses'  register  in  the 
state. 

Miss  DURANT.  But  you  wouldn't  if  you  knew 
i  \y  reason. 

MACKLYN.  Your  reasons  have  nothing  to  do  with 
it.  You  were  trusted  and  you  failed. 

Mrss  DURANT.  But  I  haven't  failed,  in  protect- 
i  ig  my  patient  from  the  advantage  you  were  taking 
<  f  him;  I  also  am  protecting  you. 

MACKLYN.     Protecting  me? 

Miss  DURANT.  Yes,  you!  Everyone  knows  that 
you  were  in  love  with  Mrs.  Weems  and  that  you 

rote  a  lot  of  foolish  letters. 

MACKLYN.     We  leave  Mrs.  Weems  out  of  it. 

Miss   DURANT.     We  can't.     She's  the  cause  of 


SICK  ABED  105 

the  whole  unfortunate  affair.  In  trying  to  get  this 
divorce  from  her  husband  who  adores  her,  she  is 
using  you  as  her  tool. 

MACKLYN.    Me !    Her  tool ! 

Miss  DURA  NT.    Yes  and  spelt  with  an  F. 

MACKLYN.  F  double  o — Oh,  thank  you,  Miss 
Durant.  (A  step  to  L.) 

Miss  DURANT.  Don't  mention  it,  Dr.  Macklyn. 
In  shamming  sickness  Mr.  Jay  is  trying  his  best  to 
stop  that  silly  child  from  further  folly.  And  you  are 
blocking  it. 

MACKLYN.     Again  you  fail  to  convince  me. 

Miss  DURANT.  (A  step  to  R.  of  MACKLYN)  Then 
I'll  try  again.  If  you  persist  in  forcing  Mr.  Jay  to 
testify  everyone  will  think  you  helped  the  divorce 
in  order  to  marry  Mr.  Weems  yourself. 

MACKLYN.    I  never  thought  of  that. 

Miss  DURANT.    Therefore  I'm  protecting  you. 

MACKLYN.  All  very  well  for  you,  but  what  of 
me?  When  a  man  has  been  goaded  beyond  en- 
durance—  ? 

Miss  DURANT.    Ah,  you  admit  you  were  goaded  ? 

MACKLYN.    I  admit  nothing. 

Miss  DURANT.  Then  don't  go  on  with  this  per- 
secution, don't  send  Mr.  Jay  away  and  don't  take 
me  off  the  case.  Why,  you  see.  Mrs.  Weems 
wouldn't  want  to  divorce  her  husband  if  she  knew 
that  Mr.  Jay  was — well — interested  in  someone  else. 

MACKLYN.  Oh,  I  see!  So  that's  the  way  the 
cat  jumps! 

Miss  DURANT.     But  she  hasn't  jumped  yet. 

MACKLYN.  She  might  though.  If  she  gets  the 
chance. 

Miss  DURANT.  She  won't  if  you  help  the  mouse. 
Will  you? 

MACKLYN.      A   nurse,   perhaps;   but  not   a  jay- 


106  SICK  ABED 

bird.  (Sternly)  No,  Miss  Durant — (Pointing  to 
JAY'S  room.  Crosses  front  of  bed  to  R.)  That 
young  scalawag  got  himself  into  this.  Now  let  him 
get  out  of  it  as  best  he  can. 

Miss  DURANT.  (At  foot  of  bed)  Very  well, 
Doctor.  Then  don't  blame  me  if  the  cat  shows  her 
claws! 

MACKLYN.    You  mean  you'll  fight  me  for  him 

(Enter  CONSTANCE.) 

CONSTANCE.  Oh  Bobbie,  they're  gone,  they're 
gone,  they're  gone!  (Crosses  to  L.) 

(Enter  JAY  R.) 

JAY.  (Down  R.  )  Constance,  what's  the  mat- 
ter? 

MACKLYN.    What's  gone?     (Crosses  to  c.) 

CONSTANCE.  All  your  letters,  they're  stolen! 
Save  me!  Save  me!  My  husband's  got  your  let- 
ters! (Crosses  to  JAY) 

JAY.     I  told,  you  to  burn  them. 

CONSTANCE.  Oh,  he'll  kill  me,  he'll  kill  me. 
(Clutches  at  JAY) 

MACKLYN.  A  cat  and  a  mouse  and  now  the  bull 
dog!  I'm  going!  (Crosses  to  L.) 

(Enter  SAJI  L. — Crosses  to  R.  of  JAY.) 

SAJJ.  Mister  Jay !  Mr.  Jay !  Mr.  Weems,  he 
come  crazy !  Kick  door,  kick  me,  my  God !  More 
better  you  go  France! 

(Noise  off  stage.     WEEMS'  voice  as  door  quickly 
opens,  WIDNER  and  FLEXNER  enter  hastily.) 


SICK  ABED  107 

WEEMS.     (Offstage}    Open  that  door ! 
WIDNER.     He's  a  madman! 
FLEXNER.     (To  c.)     A  lunatic!    A  lunatic! 
JAY.    Oh  he's  shamming! 

WIDNER.  He  isn't  shamming,  believe  me,  he's 
real! 

(FLEXNER  holds  door  L.     WEEMS'  voice  off  stage. 
CONSTANCE  crosses  to  c.) 

WEEMS.    Open  that  door !    Open  that  door ! 

(CONSTANCE  grabs  nearest  man  to  her  who  happens 
to  be  WIDNER  to  R.  of  her.) 

CONSTANCE.    You  save  me ! 

(Door  bursts  open,  enter  WEEMS,  crosses  down  L.  to 
front  of  table,  holds  position  a  moment.) 

WEEMS.     Viper!     Serpent!     Worm!     (Crosses 
to  c.) 
JAY.    Serpent !    Worm  ? 

(CONSTANCE   to  front   of   table  R.    of   MACKLYN. 
WIDNER  creeps  back  of  settee  to  L.) 

WEEMS.  Worm  that  bites  the  hand  that  caresses 
it.  (Turns  on  CONSTANCE)  And  you!  Hypocrite! 
Double-dealer!  Conniving  Schemer! 

CONSTANCE.  Oh,  he's  calling  me  names !  ( Throws 
arms  around  MACKLYN'S  neck) 

MACKLYN.  No,  not  me.  (Releases  himelf  from 
CONSTANCE) 

WEEMS.  (Turning  to  MACKLYN)  And  you! 
What's  the  meaning  of  this,  madame?  A  soiree  for 
your  lovers  ?  A  rendezvous  for  your  parlor-snakes 


io8  SICK  ABED 

your  boudoir  chamelions 

(WIDNER  and  FLEXNER  up  L.) 
MACKLYN.     Boudoir  camelions! 
WEEMS.     I  have  his  letters — that  lounge-lizard's 

letters — the  originals,  in  your  own  handwriting 

JAY.     Whose  hand  do  you  think  I'd  write  them 


in 


CONSTANCE.     (L.  of  WEEMS)     You  thief! 

WEEMS.  And  now  I'm  through!  I  shall  bring 
suit.  And  I  shall  name  one  of  these  vipers ! 
(Pointing  to  JAY  and  MACKLYN) 

CONSTANCE.  No,  no,  no,  you  couldn't  do  that, 
you  mustn't. 

( WIDNER  and  FLEXNER  come  down  L.) 

WEEMS.  We  shall  see  to  whom  a  divorce  is 
granted — Do  you  see  the  crowded  court-room — do 
you  see  the  reporters  in  rows — do  you  hear  the  cold 
voice  of  my  lawyer  reading?  "Meet  me  at  Mr. 
Sherry's  beauty  parlor  for  tea."  But  you  know,  and 
doubtless — (Turns  to  MACKLYN) 

MACKLYN.    I  do  not.    I  don't  drink  tea.    Damn  it ! 

CONSTANCE.  Johnny  you  wouldn't  let  them  read 
those  letters — in  court,  you  couldn't  be  so  unfair. 

WEEMS.  Unfair — Miss  Durant,  listen  to  this 
one ! 

CONSTANCE.    No,  no,  no ! 

MACKLYN.    Mr.  Weems ! 

WEEMS.  You'd  better  be  quiet !  I  found  some 
of  your  letters  too.  But  I  couldn't  read  your  rotten 
writing! 

MACKLYN.     Thank  God  I'm  a  rotten  writer. 

CONSTANCE.  I  beg,  I  pray  of  you,  don't ! 
<  Kneels  at  L.  of  WEEMS) 

JAY.  I  swear  there  wasn't  a  thing  in  it.  I  was 
just  trying  to  be  nice  to  her,  because  she  was  sore 
that  you  neglected  her  so.  I  give  you  my  word  of 
honor. 


SICK  ABED  109 

WEEMS.  Your  word  of  honor!  You  leper! 
(Crosses  to  R.  of  table  to  L.  of  CONSTANCE) 

Miss  DURANT.  Mr.  Weems  how  dare  you!  A 
finer,  more  honorable  man  than  Mr.  Jay  never  lived. 

JAY.    And  I  agree  with  her. 

Miss  DURANT.  It  was  a  perfectly  innocent  little 
flirtation,  and  you  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourself 
— Dr.  Macklyn,  isn't  that  true  ? 

MACKLYN.  A  despicable  exhibition  of  insane 
jealousy! 

(WIDNER  R.  of  FLEXNER.) 

WEEMS.    Oh,  indeed! 

MACKLYN.     (L.  of  table)     Yes,  indeed! 

JAY.  I  should  say  so !  And  after  all  I've  suffered 
for  you.  At  the  hands  of  Dr.  Mutt  and  Jeff. 

FLEXNER.    Mutt ! 

WIDNER.    Jeff ! 

MACKLYN.  Yes,  and  shame  your  poor  little  in- 
nocent wife,  who  was  fool  enough  to  marry  you. 

Miss  DURANT.  Your  wife  says  you're  a  gentle- 
man, but  the  way  you're  acting  now,  you're  not  even 
a  man ! 

MACKLYN.    That's  right.    He's  not  a  man  ! 

WEEMS.     What  do  you  mean  ? 

FLEXNER.    He's  a  mental  degenerate. 

WIDNER.  A  throw-back  to  a  family  of  prehis- 
toric apes. 

MACKLYN.  You're  a  roue  and  a  reprobate  !  And 
not  fit  to  live  with  any  woman ! 

ALL.     Yes!     (WEEMS  sinks  in  chair  R.  of  table) 

CONSTANCE.  Stop  it!  (Rises)  How  dare  you 
talk  to  him  like  that!  What  do  you  mean  by  say- 
ing he's  not  fit  to  live  with ! 

MACKLYN.    Why,  he's  a 

CONSTANCE.    Don't  you  dare  abuse  him  any  more. 

JAY.  But  you  wanted  me  to  help  you  to  divorce 
him. 


no  SICK  ABED 

CONSTANCE..  Divorce!  Do  you  think  I'd  divorce 
my  big,  .splendid,  beautiful  husband? — for  a  little 
snip  like  you  ? 

JAY.    Can  you  beat  it! 

MACKLYN.  I'll  never  diagnose  another  woman 
so  help  me  God ! 

CONSTANCE.  I  never  wanted  to  go  through  with 
my  divorce.  Never,  never!  It  was  just  to  discip- 
line you.  Oh,  Johnny,  how  you  could  you  think  it 
of  your  dear,  little  wife,  who  adores  you?  Oh! 
(Feigns  a  sob,  falls  on  WEEMS'  neck) 

WEEMS.    Oh,  I'm  weak ! 

JAY.    You  were  a  week  in  Spain. 

WEEMS.  Why  you!  I'll  brain  you!  (Rushes  at 
JAY) 

Miss  DURANT.      (Intercepts  him)     Mr.  Weems! 

\.\CK  grabs  WEEMS'  L.  arm.  All  three  go 
up  stage.  WEEMS  c.,  DURANT  R.  of  him,  and 
CONSTANCE  L.  of  WEEMS.  MACKLYN  to  L.  c.) 

WEEMS.  Let  me  get  at  him !  (WEEMS  turns  and 
hugs  Miss  DURANT)  My  darling!  CONSTANCE  and 
DURANT  scream.  He  turns  to  CONSTANCE)  Par- 
don me,  Miss  Durant,  my  mistake!  (Hugs  CON- 
STANCE) My  darling!  (Takes  CONSTANCE  to  door 
L.  )  Constance,  my  darling,  go  to  the  motor,  and 
wait  for  me.  I've  just  one  more  word  to  say  to  this 
person. 

JAY.    Person  ? 

MACKLYN.  (To  JAY)  He  means  you.  (Kiss. 
P.x'tf  CONSTANCE) 

WEEMS.  (At  door  L.  Turns  and  winks  at  JAY) 
Didn't  mean  a  word  of  it.  I  never  read  more  inno- 
cent letters  than  yours  Reggie.  Thanks  to  you  we're 
reconciled.  Damn  fine  woman  my  wife,  damn  fine. 
Ha.  ha.  (Exits) 


SICK  ABED  in 

JAY.    (JhLord!    I'm  dizzy. 

WEEMS.  (Sits  chair  down  L.)  Dizzy,  I'm  faint- 
ing again! 

JAY.  Oh,  you,  I  forgot  about  you  two  veterinary 
surgeons.  But  now  it's  all  off.  There  isn't  any 
more  divorce  suit,  no  more  dope,  no  more  anything. 
And  out  you  go. 

MACKLYN.  (Comes  to  c.  I'm  still  an  authority 
here.  If  you  please  the  pleasure  is  mine. 

(  WIDNER  rises  indignant.) 
WIDNER.    But — but — but 


.FLEXNER.     Hush,  you  sound  like  a  motor  boat. 
JAY.    All  right  the  pleasure  is  yours. 

( WIDNER  sits  again.) 

MACKLYN.  (Crosses  to  R.  of  table)  Gentlemen, 
you  are  dismissed  from  the  case. 

FLEXNER.  Dr.  Macklyn,  you  are  exceeding  your 
authority. 

MACKLYN.  Dr.  Flexner,  you  are  exhausting  my 
patience. 

WIDNER.     (Rises  and  crosses  to  L.  of  table)    Dr. 

Macklyn,  we  refuse  to  be  bamboosled  by  you  any 

longer.    Sir,  I  warn  you  I'm  roused.    And  when  I'm 

roused  I'm  a  riot.    I  shall  report  your  conduct,  sir ! 

(MACKLYN  R.  of  table.) 

FLEXNER.     (Urging  WIDNER  on)    Don't  weaken. 

WIDNER.  All  I  can  say  to  you,  sir  is — (WIDNER 
chokes  with  indignattion.  Becomes  red  in  the  face) 

MACKLYN.  That's  enough.  Take  him  out  be- 
fore he  bursts.  (FLEXNER  hustles  WIDNER  out. 
Exit  FLEXNER  and  WIDNER)  And  now,  I  shall 
discharge  myself. 

Miss  DURANT.     (Crosses  to  c.)    But  doctor,  they 


ii2  SICK  ABED 

filled  him  full  of  medicine — what  will  I  do  ? 

MACKLYN.  (Stops  and  turns)  Give  him  a  seda- 
tive and  put  him  in  a  dark  room ! 

JAY.  (At  R.  c.)  I  don't  want  to  be  in  a  dark 
room ! 

MACKLYN.    But  your  nurse  will  be  with  you. 

JAY.    Then  make  it  as  dark  as  you  like. 

Miss  DURANT.    But  Dr.  Macklyn,  this  is  serious. 

MACKLYN.  All  heart  troubles  are  serious,  but  it 
happens  to  be  a  case  where  the  services  of  his  nurse 
are  more  valuable  than  those  of  a  physician.  As  an 
emergency  nurse,  you  have  few  if  any  equals  and  I 
bid  you  pair  of  idiots  good  morning.  (Crosses — 
Exit  L.) 

JAY.  (A  step  to  DURANT)  Georgina,  dear,  we're 
alone  at  last ! 

Miss  DURANT.  Come,  I  must  take  care  of  you. 
(Goes  up  table  to  get  medicine) 

JAY.  (Follows  her — to  L.  of  her)  No,  you're 
through  taking  care  of  me,  I'm  going  to  take  care 
of  you.  Won't  you  stop  being  my  nurse,  and  be 
my  wife?  (They  sit  on  upside  of  bed) 

Miss  DURANT.  You  dear  boy !  Don't  you  know 
that  every  wife  is  her  husband's  nurse? 

JAY.  And  don't  you  know  I  love  you?  Isn't  it 
time  for  another  hallucination?  (They  kiss  with 
backs  to  audience) 

(Enter  DR.  MACKLYN — crosses  to  table  up  L.  c.  to 
get  his  bag.) 

DR.  MACKLYN.  I  beg  your  pardon,  I  forgot  my— 
(Sees  their  position.  They  are  sitting  on  bed  with 
backs  to  audience,  Miss  DURANT  resting  her  head  on 
JAY'S  shoulder — Picks  up  bag,  smiles)  However,  I 
beg  your  pardon.  (Exit  L.) 

Curtain. 


(D 


UC  SOUTHERN  REG 


NOTHING 


BUT   THE   TRUTH 


Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  James  Montgomery.  5  males, 
6  females.  Modern  costumes.  2  interiors.  Plays  2^  hours. 

Is  it  possible  to  tell  the  absolute  truth  —  even  for  twenty-four 
hours?  It  is  —  at  least  Bob  Bennett,  the  hero  of  "Nothing  but 
the  Truth,"  accomplished  the  feat.  The  bet  he  made  with  his 
partners,  his  friends,  and  his  fiancee  —  these  are  the  incidents  in 
William  Collier's  tremendous  comedy  hit.  "Nothing  but  the 
Truth'  '  can  be  whole-heartedly  recommended  as  one  of  the  most 
sprightly,  amusing  and  popular  comedies  of  which  this  country 
can  boast.  (Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  Price,  75  Cents, 


SEVENTEEN 

A  comedy  .of  youth,  in  4  acts.  By  Booth  Tarkington. 
8  males,  6  females.  1  exterior,  2  interior  scenes.  Costumes, 
modern.  Plays  21/4  hours. 

It  is  the  tragedy  of  William  Sylvanus  Baxter  that  he  has  ceased 
to  be  sixteen  and  is  not  yet  eighteen.  Baby,  child,  boy,  youth 
and  grown-up  are  definite  phenomena.  The  world  knows  them  and 
lias  learned  to  put  up  with  them.  Seventeen  is  not  an  age,  it  is  a 
disease.  In  its  turbulent  bosom  the  leavings  of  a  boy  are  at  war 
•with  the  beginnings  of  a  man. 

In  his  heart,  William  Sylvanus  Baxter  knows  all  the  tortures 
and  delights  of  love ;  he  is  capable  of  any  of  the  heroisms  of  his 
heroic  sex.  But  he  is  still  sent  on  the  most  humiliating  errands 
by  his  mother,  and  depends  upon  his  father  for  the  last  nickel 
of  spending  money. 

Silly  Bill  fell  in  love  with  Lolo,  the  Baby-Talk  Lady,  a  vapid, 
if  amiable  little  flirt.  To  woo  her  in  a  manner  worthy  of  himself 
(and  incidentally  of  her)  he  stole  his  father's  evening  clothes. 
When  his  wooings  became  a  nuisance  to  the  neighborhood,  his 
mother  stole  the  clothes  back,  and  had  them  altered  to  fit  the 
middle-aged  form  of  her  husband,  thereby  keeping  William  at 
home  in  the  evening. 

But  when  it  came  to  the  Baby-Talk  Lady's  good-bye  dance,  not 
to  be  present  was  unendurable.  How  William  Sylvanus  again 
got  the  dress  suit,  and  how  as  he  was  wearing  it  at  the  party  the 
negro  servant,  Genesis,  disclosed  the  fact  that  the  proud  garment 
•was  in  reality  his  father's,  are  some  of  the  elements  in  this 
charming  comedy  of  youth. 

"Seventeen "  is  a  story  of  youth,  love  and  summer  time.  It  is 
a  work  of  exquisite  human  sympathy  and  delicious  humor.  Pro- 
duced by  Stuart  Walker  at  the  Booth  Theatre,  New  York,  it  en- 
joyed a  run  of  four  years  in  New  York  and  on  the  road.  Strongly 
recommended  for  High  School  production.  (Royalty,  twenty-five 
dollars.)  Price,  75  Cents. 


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